Re-Parenting: It’s Not About Them…It’s About You
Ever feel like your mom or dad’s words just came out of your mouth while parenting your child?
Ever find yourself saying things that you swore you’d NEVER say to YOUR child?
Where does this stuff come from?
It’s left over from your past. From the way you were parented. Actually, more to the point, it’s left-over from the FEELINGS that you had about the way you were parented.
Here’s what happens….
You’re a child with needs. Need for love, attention, affection, appreciation, autonomy, acceptance, connection….you get the picture.
And when one of these needs wasn’t met, you had some feelings around it. When you were between 0-7 years old, these were probably some pretty BIG feelings given the growth of the emotional center of the human brain during these very formative years.
So, here you are with your big feelings and your parents began their parenting journey: how did they react or respond to your big feelings? Did you feel like you were really heard? Understood? Can you even remember?
Maybe so. Maybe not. These are all feelings that are NOW locked inside of your body as a parent.
These feelings are doorways into your true peace because here’s what happened next.
When you had your big feelings as a child, your mind got to work saying certain things to yourself based on your feelings. These statements that you started to tell yourself as a child may have seemed VERY TRUE at the time.
These statements are guiding your actions with your child now.
These statements are most likely NOT SERVING YOU anymore.
They are commonly known as your LIMITING BELIEFS.
So, what are your limiting beliefs?
They could be anything like, ‘Nobody listens to me’ or ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘Nobody Cares About Me.’
Your mind is super-duper creative during these moments of intense stress when the stress hormones were flooding your system as a child causing your mind to race with all kinds of thoughts- some were supportive, yet, most were definitely not.
And that’s how it all started.
Now, flash forward and you’re a parent. And your kid has needs that you’re either aware of or unaware of.
You may just see your child as ‘acting out’ or ‘misbehaving.’
What’s really happening is that your child, much like you as a child, has needs and when these needs don’t get met, guess what happens?
Your child has some pretty big feelings. This is what ‘acting out’ or ‘tantrums’ look like.
Them, you start stressing out and your body floods with that stress hormone called ‘cortisol.’. Here’s where you may lose your &#%*!!
Why?
Because those old limiting belief patterns from when you were a child are getting triggered in your brain, causing you to react VERY STRONGLY during those HEATED MOMENTS with your child.
Thus, the cycle continues. Until your child becomes a parent and so on and so on and so on.
These cycles are generational. Limiting beliefs are right now being passed down from generation to generation. Consciously and unconsciously.
So, what to do?
We need to Re-Parent ourselves. First and foremost.
You need a way to release those old LIMITING BELIEFS that are no longer serving you as a parent (as a person!) and replace them with NEW BELIEFS that completely SERVE YOU and How You Truly Want To Be With Your Child.
This is your time as a parent. This is your greatest opportunity to break the cycle. To give your child something that maybe you didn’t have. To turn the tides of disconnected, angry, hurtful behavior and allow your first reaction to be one of EMPATHY – for yourself and your child.
Join me this Thursday, April 7th at 1pm PST on your phone and I’ll share with you my 5 Secrets to the Re-Parenting Process.
Click here to register…it’s on the house.
Can You Truly Forgive Your Child?
Our children are always pushing our buttons. Doesn’t it just seem that they’re specifically designed to do so?
We talk a lot in our classes about connection. Deep connection. We live and breathe connection, making it the intention within communications with our children. Yet, you’re the parent. Don’t you always know what’s right for your child and what’s not?
Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to have the last say about everything?
Well, maybe yes, but if you are truly interested in connecting with your child, then the answer to that last question would be a definitive ‘NO.’
Connection is all about cooperation. It’s about taking the journey together. And the trick is, as a parent, that you might just have to give up being right or knowing the answer within a situation in order to connect with your child.
What’s more important? Being right or connecting?
The journey of learning –gathering the tools to learn- is a journey of discovery and exploration. If you are to connect –deeply connect with your child- then this journey must be done together.
You and your child exploring and discovering new lands – new ideas, concepts, actions, ways of being and most of all, discovering each other.
But, how do you get to the feeling of being a curious explorer when your buttons are being pushed for the umpteenth time and the urge to just tell your child what to do and what to do next and what to do next is welling up inside of you, threatening to explode into the space between you and your child? (Whew! That was a mouthful!)
We need to drastically shift our mindset as parents if we really want to connect with our children and engage in that co-creative relationship with them.
The mindset we need to adopt, you might ask?
Wonder.
Wonderment.
That place where you just marvel and wonder about something.
Are you willing to be in a place of wonder?
When we stand in that place of wonderment together, then universes open up to the infinite possibilities of connection that now lay before us. Wonderment offers you a space where anything is possible.
Remember being a kid and just wondering whether something you did would cause something else? All of those endless hours of experimentation with all sorts of things, situations, and communication?
We are naturally in a state of constant wonderment and exploration as a child. It’s infectious. It’s the core of learning.
And the greatest learning that we have to do here in this life – the greatest opportunity we have to grow spiritually and emotionally is with each other. In relationship.
What makes you tick? What ticks you off? What excites you? Moves you to passion? Or passionately moves you away from your child (or anyone else) ?
What is your child trying to learn about you in this moment?
And what can you learn about your child in this moment?
A very accomplished entrepreneurial mom asked me the other day if it was possible for her to repair some of the ‘disconnection’ that happened with her children (ages 7-12) during the time that she was working full time and going through a divorce. Once the patterns of disconnection are ‘set in place’, is there really any way to establish that sense of trust, safety and intimacy that’s possible to have between a parent and child?
‘Isn’t it too late?’ she asked.
And I blurted out my answer based in brain science (because that’s where my brain went in that moment!): ‘No, it’s never too late because the brain has neuroplasticity, which means that our brains, at any moment, can grow and change and learn new patterns.
Upon deeper reflection of her question today, I might add, “Hmmm, I wonder.” And then, invite her to step into that place of wonder with me.
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can really embrace my child for all that she/he is and all that she/he is not.”
“Hmmm, I wonder if my child is really capable of cooperating with me?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I could really understand what my child is going through right now?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can truly forgive my child?”
With Christmas around the corner, we are reminded of the incredible energy and teachings of Jesus around forgiveness.
So, here is my invitation to you.
I invite you to step into a place of wonderment now with your child and just notice if anything new opens up.
Maybe your greatest present that you’ll receive this holiday is the gift of true presence.
So, What’s Up With All This Anger?
I was just sitting on my bed last night with my 4-year old son playing behind me when all of a sudden, ‘Whack!’ A punch delivered right between my shoulder blades, in the back of my ‘heart’ totally knocked the wind out of me. I turned abruptly in shock. 
Ok, well… quasi-shock. He had been unusually quiet and ‘moody’ ever since picking him up from school and I knew that something was up. So, here it was. Here was the release. I just wasn’t expecting it in THAT moment.
Isn’t it always like that, though?
Do we ever really know when emotions will release and allow us into an understanding of what’s REALLY going on underneath the surface?
Here’s where you will really get to know your child but only if you’re willing AND only if you’re really listening.
Our kids (and us, too!) have so many levels of emotions that they go through in a day. Many of these deeper emotions are building up inside, just looking for a way to release. I know some of you may be thinking, ‘Yea, but I’m not ready (or willing) to be the punching bag for my kid’s emotions.’
And, here’s where so many of us as parents get tripped up.
Why?
Because it’s very hard to remember in the moment when your child hurts you either physically or emotionally that it’s not about you.
I’ll say it again. It’s not about you.
This is one of the core lessons to remember in the practice of empathy and connected communication. In order to authentically connect with your child, discover what’s REALLY going on, and develop that lasting, deep bond of trust and safety with your child, you’re going to have to make a choice here in your thinking.
Choice A: Immediately reprimand, punish, or ‘correct’ your child’s behavior.
Choice B: Seek to understand the feelings and needs of your child (AND yourself) in that moment and then set the limit for what behavior ‘works’ in your family.
When we automatically dive into Choice A, we lose so much of the understanding and connection that’s actually possible during those moments. We don’t get to find out what’s REALLY going on.
Because those moments of release – even though they may look like a punch, a scream, a door slammed – are your moments of opportunity for connection. The ‘outbursts’ are windows into your child’s complex emotional realm.
Your child is crying out during those moments on a deeper level to be heard, to be acknowledged and ‘discovered.’ There are emotions on top of emotions on top of emotions just looking for a place to be expressed.
As the parent, you can provide that place.
When talking with a dear colleague last week, Genevieve Simperingham, she said it best, ‘it takes a while to get to the more vulnerable emotions.’
The more vulnerable emotions.
Sure, it’s easy to say that your child is ‘angry’ or ‘moody’ or whatever, but that is just the first level of an emotion that you’re seeing.
Anger, as we talk about in our Glide Program, is a compound emotion.
What does that mean?
A compound emotion means that there are levels of other emotions stirring underneath that simple expression or outburst of anger. It’s actually taken a while for the emotion of anger to come bubbling to the surface because there are underlying, more vulnerable emotions that eventually call the anger forth.
Here is where the true ‘meat’ of connection lies. Want to find out what’s really going on with your child?
Be available and willing to dive into these moments with an open heart.
So, was I just punched in the back for no reason whatsoever? Probably the mind of a four-year old just ‘being bad’, some may say.
But I had chosen ‘Choice B’ in that moment and as difficult as it was (with a throbbing back), I kept telling myself that there was more here than meets the eye. I became this curious explorer in search of some treasure. I wanted to know the story behind the story – why my sensitive, funny and curious little guy had suddenly turned moody and withdrawn.
Ever since I had picked him up with school, he seemed distant – not really wanting to connect or play like we usually do at that time of day. Then, upon arriving home, he was screaming and lashing out at my friend’s two young children. I knew something was up, but couldn’t really get to the core of it until the punch.
The punch opened up those other vulnerable emotions for him because I chose ‘Choice B’ – I chose to be vulnerable with him in that ‘punch’ moment and express my feelings first.
‘Ow! That really hurt! (pause to catch my breath) Whoa! I’m feeling shocked! I’m so sad. Why did you punch me?’
And then, from the deepest well within my son’ heart, the more vulnerable feelings and details about his day began to emerge. Soon, I learned that his friend had pushed him again at school and that he had done ‘bad things’ back to his friend.
I remembered that this is pre-school but our conversation could have really been taking place with a child of any age.
Because in that moment, I became so aware of the cycles of hurt. The cycles of ‘violence’ that are perpetuated throughout our lives, throughout our generations, and throughout our souls. One hurts another and the other hurts another and so on and so on.
Until the cycle stops.
The question is : how do we break the cycles of pain and hurt? How do we move into a more evolved way of communication?
How do we move beyond the existence of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ and realize that we’re all just people having very real life experiences?
Communication, true communication begins with vulnerability.
Those deeper, vulnerable emotions need to be given a voice and a space to release in a safe manner, free of blame, shame, manipulation, punishment or rewards. Here’s where the stuff underneath the stuff gets to come out and you really get to know yourself and your child.
This is the stuff that made the Velveteen Rabbit real or gave young Santiago the fortitude to go in search of his dream in The Alchemist. This is the stuff that true, authentic, long-lasting relationships are made of.
There is a well of underlying emotions beneath the surface just bubbling, ready to explode. This is the buried treasure within the heart of your child.
Go in search of the buried treasure and you just may find your child waiting there, longing to be discovered.
Can You Release Your Expectations? This Moment Is Your Life
So, why would you ever want to release your expectations? Isn’t it your expectations that fuel your quality of life? Isn’t it your expectations of how your child should be acting that is defining your family values.
Maybe. But maybe not.
When you’re stressed about how everything SHOULD look or SHOULD be in a certain moment (hint: all of your expectations) then, guess what?
Your stress could actually be causing more disconnection between you and your child and guiding you further away from whatever you really want to teach/model for your child about communication, cooperation and honesty.
In order to connect with your child, both of you may just really be craving some good ol’ fashioned acceptance.
Acceptance? Yes, acceptance.
Can you really accept your child for everything he is and everything she’s not. Can you fully accept a moment for everything it is and everything it’s not?
In every moment of your life, whether you realize it or not, you are being guided by your unconscious beliefs and brain patterns. Now, you may have formed some very strong beliefs, some conscious and probably some very unconscious, about how you’re ‘supposed to act’ as a parent and how your child is ‘supposed to act’ as a child.
And it’s all of the ‘supposed to’s’ that may just be blocking you truly accepting yourself and truly accepting your child in every moment, now matter how wacky the moment may seem to be.
We are so quick to judge our children sometimes….so quick to want to stop whatever’s going on instead of striving to accept each moment for exactly what it is.
Maybe your child is trying to kick you in this moment. Maybe your child just won’t listen to you in this moment. Maybe you’re disagreeing with your child in this moment. Maybe your child just can’t express herself in this moment and so, she’s sitting very silently. Well, maybe…just maybe, you’re expecting something else to happen.
Maybe you’re expecting your child to BE a different way from how he/she is BEING in this exact moment. And, don’t we do this all the time? Come on, be honest.
How is your child supposed to be acting right now? And, how is a ‘perfect parent’ supposed to be acting right about now?
Our minds are so caught up in these ideals of what’s supposed to be that we are missing out on what is – we are missing out on the present moment. And, guess what?
The present moment is your life. Right now is ‘all right’. No matter what is happening. There really is nowhere else to be and really, there is really nothing else that your child SHOULD be doing than what he/she is doing right now.
Sure, there are places and activities that you want to guide your child into doing – like eating or bathing or sleeping. But, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about all of those times where you’re feeling frustrated or upset because of whatever your child is doing or however your child is being. I’m talking about all of those moments BEFORE you choose to act as a parent where you make a decision that whatever is happening at the current moment is NOT OK.
And that’s where we’re missing out. Here’s where we get swept up in the expectations of the mind (from your present and your past), and you lose all of that yummy connection in the present moment.
You know when my son laughs the hardest? It’s when I’m really being present and laughing or making fun of whatever IS in that moment. Maybe I’ve just knocked over a whole box of opened cereal onto the floor while grabbing for the milk or maybe he’s running around the house naked with one shoe on when we have about one minute to get him out the door to school. Whatever the moment brings, it brings.
Your acceptance, your complete acceptance will bring about your humor.
Your humor will bring you into the present moment.
And the present moment is where your gift lies.
I was once at a backyard barbecue party with Woody Harrelson, his wife and 2-year old daughter. This was many years ago yet, I’ll never forget what happened.
Woody’s 2-year old daughter tripped by accident in the back doorway as she was walking into the house. Immediately, Woody was over there at lightning speed when he heard his daughter cry. But, it was his next choice of response that really captured my heart. What did he do?
After seeing that his daughter was ok and checking in with her, Woody stood up, tripped and fell too, imitating his daughter’s fall. He completely accepted what was happening in that moment.
His acceptance of the moment was fueling his empathy for his daughter.
Then, the funniest thing happened. One by one, other folks at the party tripped and fell next to Woody and his daughter, everyone imitating her fall. Soon, Woody’s daughter (and everyone else) was in a big dog pile on the ground, belly laughing!
And I just thought…how wonderful. Woody completely embraced the moment. He didn’t even need to use any words. Then, everyone joined him in completely embracing the moment.
Well, guess what? You’re no different than Woody. You too have a choice about how to respond in any given moment with your child. You really do. You have a choice.
Your moment is now. Your child may be doing the ‘WRONG’ thing right now. What is it going to take from you to completely accept yourself, release your expectations, and completely accept your child in this moment?
Because this moment is your life.
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