Can Parenting Be A Partnership?
I used to think that I had to do it all by myself. By ‘it’, I mean just about everything. I used to think that everything was up to me and I never allowed myself to receive that much support. Crazy, huh?
And this was in every area of my life – relationships, health, finances, business, and yes, even parenting. Actually, it stood out the most when I became a mom.
I allowed other people to BE there but I didn’t always allow them to contribute. I hardly ever asked when I really, really needed help.
I remember when I was breastfeeding and my son was about six months old, I would feel terrible when my sister came over and immediately started cleaning my dishes in the sink. (she was and is notorious for being the most rockin’ supportive sister and fellow mama traveler.) I always wanted to tell her to stop…that I would take care of the dishes. Yet, when you really looked at the situation, I was completely overwhelmed with stuff to do and the reality was that those dishes were probably going to be sitting there until somebody else helped with them….at least for that day.
Yet, there was something inside of me that truly believed I didn’t need the help.
Any of this sound familiar?
I thought that I had it all handled. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ those words echoing now in my head like some kind of tribal call gone awry.
I thought that I didn’t want to trouble anyone else and that these were my responsibilities alone to figure out.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ soon became, ‘I know I can handle this!’ which then morphed into something like ’Why can’t I handle all of this?’, which quickly turned into , ‘There must be something wrong with me. Those OTHER moms can do all of this’ and ultimately, ‘Help!!!’
My a-ha moment happened somewhere along those string of thoughts. I began to wake up.
I opened up to the idea that I could receive as well as give. It was completely revolutionary and completely what I needed.
It may sound strange but this whole idea of receiving was a completely new way of being for me. Sure, I had received gifts before for special occasions but just the notion now of receiving support, assistance, guidance, and love unconditionally – without having to give anything back – was, indeed, revolutionary.
I remember attending T. Harv Eker’s The Millionaire Mind workshop years ago and he had us do this exercise where everyone was to walk around the room giving and receiving compliments. If you were on the receiving end, all you could say was ‘thanks’ and receive the compliment. Nothing more.
I so remember how that exercise moved me. For what seemed like the first time in my life, I felt this huge sense of relief and acceptance in just being able to receive. Receive for the sheer joy of receiving. And not feeling like I had to give back immediately.
Thus began my journey towards partnership.
As I opened my heart more and more towards this idea of partnership, all of my old ideas of ‘I can do this on my own,’ began to melt away. I began to receive more help, more love, more of whatever was needed in that moment.
And, you know what?
I really, really love partnership.
And I believe that partnership is what parenting is really all about.
I believe that you as a parent right now need to receive just as much as you need to give.
We need to arrive in partnership with our children.
For when you are living in the spirit of partnership, you are modeling these FIVE core practices:
- Giving and receiving. It’s just as important for a child to learn to give as to receive and vice versa.
- Gratitude for this time together.
- Respect for each other’s unique perspective, thoughts and ideas.
- Clear communication of each person’s feelings and needs.
- Working together to come up with solutions.
Partnership isn’t perfect, just like parenting is never perfect.
Yet, partnership allows the space for you AND your child to thrive.
Approaching parenting as a partnership has allowed me to breathe. It’s allowed my child to do for himself and contribute to our family. Allowing him the space within our relationship to have the answers sometimes. Allowing myself to give him my pause and take a breath before reacting when I’m feeling angry or upset. Allowing both of us to feel, to mess up, to explore, to be right, to be wrong, to not have all of the answers, to discover and ….
To return to who we truly are and what we’re truly capable of.
Ready to Rock and Roll with Me?
Someone who knows me well told me recently that I can get inspiration from anywhere. It’s so true. I’m one of those people who’d be happy looking at a tree in the forest all day. This morning, my latest inspiration came from a small rock in my shoe.
Yes, one small rock.
I tried so hard to ignore this one small rock because I desperately wanted to continue my morning exercise.
Finally , I leaned down to take it out of my shoe and that was when it hit me. This realization.
Actually, the realization came in two parts.
The first part went something like this:
A child’s feelings can be something like that small rock in my shoe. It’s there, it’s solid, it’s real and yet, I’m wanting it to go away at first without actually paying much attention to it. Why won’t it just leave so I can continue on my walk?
Think you’re getting the picture here. Sometimes, our children’s feelings are just like this rock. The feelings that your child has are very real, very ‘solid’ from your child’s perspective. From your perspective as the parent, your child’s big feelings that have him/her crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, slamming doors are all things that you may just want to ‘go away’ so you can get on with whatever it is that you’re doing. To move through life ‘as planned.’
Yet, it’s these big emotional moments that really wake us up to having the deepest connection with our children. When you can focus your undivided attention on holding the space for your child to move through a big feeling, then something miraculous happens. You get a quality of connection with your child that enriches everything that you’re doing from that point forward.
When you pay attention to your child’s feelings and needs, you are taking that rock out of your shoe.
Now, for the second part of my realization that really rocked me to my core.
I realized in that small moment of feeling pestered by this small rock in my shoe just how significant things that are really not that significant can seem at times. Your world really revolves around your perspective.
For a moment, my perspective was altered (pain, instead of a pleasurable morning walk) and I drew my attention away from my larger intention of why I was even on that walk in the first place! (to reflect on some areas in our new Parent Coach Training program….my favorite thing being to walk and brainstorm.)
It was then that I realized just how quickly and significantly a perspective can shift.
And, isn’t it the same in our parenting?
You may be feeling calm and satisfied during your day and then your child does one thing that really sets you off and there shifts your whole perspective.
So, how do you retain your perspective while allowing for you and your child to go through the veritable plethora of emotions you may find yourselves experiencing daily?
In order to answer this, I need to take you to my son’s preschool and something that touched me deeply last week while I spent some time there.
We were all gathered around in a reading circle after nap time ( I was visiting) and the new teacher was trying to read a book to all of the kids, ages 3-5. Many of the kids began fidgeting and needed to move their bodies, given that they had just been sleeping for a while. As I watched my son and his friends fidget, play, laugh and intermittently wrestle each other, I was amazed at the new teacher’s response.
She calmly connected with each one of them and had these very fun, engaging conversations about what they were doing. What amazed me was her demeanor. The fact that nobody was really listening to the book and wanted to do something else wasn’t bugging her at all. She used the moment to really connect with all of them. I felt as if there was something magical taking place in those moments.
Later that afternoon at the school holiday party, I talked with the new teacher and acknowledged her for how great she was at connecting with the children. She just smiled and knowingly said, ‘Yes, I’ve been used to working with special needs kids before I came here. If one of those kids could just sit up while you were reading, it was a huge accomplishment. It just shifted my perspective to what’s really important.’
‘Wow’, was all I thought.
It was one of those moments that stopped time for me and I realized that this has got to be one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves as parents:
‘What is really important here?’
You can anchor yourself in your intention for yourself and your child.
You can anchor yourself in the quality of connection that you’d like for you and your child to have.
You can anchor yourself in the knowingness that all is ok.
You can anchor yourself in a greater perspective that answers that question for you of what’s really important.
And when you can find your anchor within your greater perspective, then the rocks seem to dissipate and life truly seems to roll.
Can You Really Fumble Towards Ecstasy?
I didn’t really know what to expect. Sure, I had danced before. I had been dancing ever since I can remember. I had even sold everything when I graduated college to go dance and drum in the villages in West Africa. ( as little-known fact about me J )
Dancing has been my one of my greatest stress-relieving and happiness-inducing practices throughout my life and you’ll often find me and my son turning up the tunes and dancing around our living room. But, today was different. Today, I had been invited to dance around a big dance studio with many other adults in a sort of free-form way. The event was called, ‘Fumbling Towards Ecstasy’ and I really didn’t know what to expect.
The room was huge and completely filled with bodies already in motion. Moving all sorts of ways. There wasn’t a teacher. Just this beautiful, rhythmic music that filled the air, candles glowing on an altar, and bodies twisting and contorting around in that big, vast space.
We were told to breathe and ‘focus on the inner realm of your body while you are here’, ‘be curious about how movement arises’, and to ‘treat yourself and everyone around you with respect and tenderness.’
Hmmm, I was very curious at this point.
As I entered the room, I felt intimated.
What shall I do first? Where do I start? Can I really go anywhere I want in this room?
What about the others? Are we all dancing together? How do you do this thing?
A rush of questions flooded my mind and I flashed on how a child must feel with every new experience that they enter. Their curiousity and wonder. Or maybe fear or intimidation.
So, I decided to let all of my questions go for the moment and with the mind of a child, I took the plunge.
I became acutely aware of my breath and what was happening inside of my body and I decided that I would just move from there.
It was strange at first. I felt like people were watching me and that I had to move a certain way. Then, I slowly realized that nobody was watching (they were all focused on their own inner worlds and movement), and I could really just feel my breath freely and move from there.
And, guess what?
It worked.
My feelings of intimidation soon dissipated as I realized that ‘all was ok!’ I could move about however I liked. However my body dictated me to move. All felt safe. If I felt like resting, I would rest on the floor and breathe. Then stretch out like a cat or stand up and flow my arms like a waterfall. Spin my head or keep it steady, kick my legs, tiptoe, or leap across the room. All was ok.
Huge sigh of relief.
This all felt so different.
The experience fascinated me as I continued to move in this space that was so incredibly different than my perception of the ‘outside world’.
We live with so many rules and regulations. Our lives often become about routine and schedule as parents that there is little time to just explore this miracle that we call life. Little time to explore our breath and how funny and unique we all are. How we can move differently through this world. And just how many variations of movement there actually are.
Then somewhere in those short moments, amongst all of these other wonderful people exploring what their bodies were dancing, a song came on called ‘It’s OK’ and it touched me so deeply.
Here it is, the song by David Bailey with photographs by Amy Doerring:
(when I found this version on Youtube, it brought tears to my eyes and I reached out to Amy, who is an incredible photographer in Iowa and was a dear friend of David Bailey’s. As a sidenote, Amy so openly shared her stories about David and how his life, friendship and struggle with cancer touched her life and work….’It’s OK’ and other songs of David’s live on!)
So, here we are dancing to ‘It’s OK’ and I’m feeling complete and utter permission to have whatever experience is happening in the moment.
And I finally got a glimpse into the mind of a child. Brand new and on the brink of all this exploration. What it must be like to have a body for the first time and be able to move it in any direction, any way you choose. What an incredible miracle a child is stepping into– his/her own unique expression of life.
Now, how do we nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves?
I found myself exploring this question as I continued to move.
I was aware that others were moving too and as I turned within even more, I was able to free up all of those ideas about how I should be, how I should act, how I should move so that I could just BE and MOVE with the mind of a child once again.
That’s when it struck me what I was doing.
I was completely accepting myself.
Dancing, sweating, moving in that space with everyone else who was exploring their own movements, their own space in their own divine way, acceptance was present.
Acceptance is when you can give yourself permission to just BE with everything that is and everything that’s not in that moment.
So, there we all were, just like in life, all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion with a bunch of others who were all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion.
Allowing myself complete permission to just be however I was being, not worrying how these movements may look to the ‘outside world.’ Maybe they look completely ridiculous and that’s ok because they are coming from a place deep within me that is genuine.
There wasn’t an answer in that moment as to how to BE.
There wasn’t any parent or teacher or culture or society telling you that you can’t do this or that. Or that you must do this or that.
There was only this safe space to express whatever your body needed to express.
There was only that genuine, authentic part of you within that longs to emerge and express itself.
It was in that moment, that divine moment that I found that we can all allow ourselves acceptance of all that which makes us unique. As parents. As people.
It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
And then, I realized in that moment, dancing sweating, moving with complete permission that this was the very heart of ACCEPTANCE.
I was finally and completely accepting myself in those moments for everything I am and everything I’m not. I was finding my own movement through the world, just like I watch my child do every single day.
And the answer to my first question flowed through my body and mind:
We can nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves by first accepting ourselves.
Accepting yourself as a parent right now for everything that you are in this moment and everything you’re not.
With acceptance as the starting point, you can begin to allow for that unique expression of your child to emerge.
Acceptance is the doorway in.
The music grew to fill the room with these ecstatic beats. I found myself jumping, completely allowing my body to move however it needed to move in that moment.
And David Bailey’s words echoed throughout the room:
‘It’s OK to hold on, It’s OK to let go, It’s OK to admit there are some things you’ll never know.’
These flashes flooded my mind and body about how acceptance really feels. And, you know what?
It feels really delicious.
What if you could offer yourself as a parent this kind of acceptance and know that you are just finding your own way through this incredibly big, incredibly challenging, incredibly beautiful experience that we call ‘parenting.’
Holding on.
Letting go.
Playing.
Guiding.
Loving.
Being.
Accepting…
As we all stumble just a little bit closer towards ecstasy.
What’s Really Running Through Your Child’s Mind?
A few days ago, my son really, really wanted to win. We were playing a game and he had set himself up to win. Completely put all of 
his energy into winning. Ever feel this way? This desire to win permeated his every move. So, when it didn’t look like he was going to win after all, the feeling started to rise within him. With his face twisted and arms banging on the floor….’It’s just not fair!’ His frustration continued to rise. The seeds of disappointment taking root.
These were very big feelings in the heart of a five year old as they often emerge the same way for an adult, though we, as adults, don’t always physically show that we’re feeling something.
Yet, the most interesting thing happened during all of these big feelings. Something that opened up a window for me into my son’s world, and a window into the human experience.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my son started saying aloud, ‘I’m so stupid!’ ‘I’m so stupid!” ‘I’m so stupid!”
And I was able in that moment to peek through the window into my son’s mind and hear what he’s been telling himself. Herein lies the seed that gets planted and takes root in the mind. It’s not as important at this point to determine from whence such a thought came as it is to notice that this thought is indeed there and that it is LOOPING.
I stopped , a bit stunned by this thought that he so emphatically wanted to believe about himself. It wasn’t that it was such an unfamiliar thought because I think that a lot of us as adults, as parents, have this same thought somewhere underneath from time to time.
What struck me this particular morning were two things:
The way he was emphatically stating it over and over again. It was as if I was hearing his brain working exactly the way it probably does when he’s alone in his quiet moments.
A thought that is thought over and over again forms a pattern –a neural pathway in the brain – a roadpost for the mind to return to again and again.
I felt as if I was hearing one of his neural pathways being formed. (or maybe it was already there and he was just choosing to go down it again!)
And
We are so quick oftentimes to stick with the ‘negative’ or unsupportive ‘ thoughts like ‘I’m so stupid’, allowing them to run loops over and over in our minds. We don’t allow ourselves to ‘run away’ from these unsupportive thoughts.
And, here was the window into the human experience.
What I notice is that the mind has this tendency to stick so emphatically to an unsupportive thought and not ‘run away’ from that thought (as if it were the truth) .
Yet, the mind will easily ‘run away’ from the thoughts that have the potential to bring us to the higher road, the thoughts that are extremely loving and supportive…thoughts just seem too good to be true to be thinking over and over again!
What will it take for us to validate and embrace those supportive and nurturing thoughts within ourselves and our children?
You are loved
You are worthy.
You are safe
You are heard, no matter what you have to say or cry out.
What if these were the thought loops rolling over and over in your child’s brain every day?
I am loved
I am worthy
I am safe
I am heard, no matter what I have to say or cry out.
Would things be different?
Yesterday, I received a note from the teenage daughter of one of my dearest clients. I have been coaching her mom for about a year now and her mom naturally passes along specific peaceful parenting and life enhancement tools that I share to her teenage daughters.
Reading the note now, I felt like I had reached out across time and touched the future. I could hear my words of encouragement flowing out of this young teenage girl whom I had never met in person. I read on about how this teenage girl was facing her fears and not running away from her strongest emotions that could lead to more ‘negative’, unsupportive thoughts, like ‘I’m stupid.’ Instead, she was choosing to accept herself and embrace more nurturing and loving thoughts as a teenager. She was choosing to accept herself even though high school seemed really hard for her.
And so, her mind followed in that positive, uplifting stream of thought.
So, my question to you is:
What kind of thought loops do we REALLY want to pass along to our children right now?
How are our children receiving the deeper messages about themselves that we’re sending as parents through our actions?
Connection is a choice that will send the mind thinking positive, loving thoughts. Sometimes, connection doesn’t come about so easily. Actually, the deepest connection often happens in the moments that are the most challenging.
Yet, this is where trust and safety are formed. This is where kids get to feel safe to even embrace a new thought loop. This is where we can allow our kids to ‘run away’ from the more unsupportive thoughts that may be looping through their minds and run TOWARDS the more supportive, loving and nurturing thoughts.
So, let’s do something radical.
Let’s teach our kids to run towards the positive, nurturing thoughts.
Let’s build a garden of peace one mind at a time.
Something that stretches out and touches the future.
How will peace happen? With you.
Because your time is now.
And somewhere, out on the edge of time, your child’s garden is waiting.
What Do You and Brad Pitt Have in Common?
Curious, aren’t you?
The power of your instincts, as Brad Pitt shared this past week, can play a big part in your parenting.
I know in my heart of hearts that we have the ability to affect a huge amount of growth and understanding in our children. And a lot of that growth and understanding may be the product of your parental instincts at work yet, some of it may not.
So, here’s my hot question of the week :
How are your thoughts affecting your parenting? Are you aware that this is even happening?
For most of us, parenting happens extremely quickly and is somewhat instinctual. You may find yourself working everything out ‘in the moment’ or as Brad Pitt so eloquently put it this week in his latest interview in Parade magazine about parenting six children with Angelina, ‘”I was surprised at how automatic it is, how much of it is instinctual. And now I have a great confidence and trust in those instincts.”
Yet, what happens when your instincts aren’t kicking in? Or you’re tired? Or you’re not getting the results with your kids that you’ve been expecting? What then?
Yet, to follow the trail of your instincts, I believe we must begin with some yummy neuroscience.
(I have to admit that I’m a bit of a neuroscience and quantum physics geek. I’m just fascinated with the way the mind-body works and what makes us tick…especially when we’re parenting.)
As powerful as our instincts are, our thoughts may just be THAT much stronger when it comes to stressful moments.
We talk a lot in our classes about dealing with the stressful emotions that arise during parenting, yet what about the thoughts that you’re thinking that may be bringing about some of those stressful moments?
Thoughts like, ‘My kid will never go to sleep now,’ or ‘he’ll never finish his dinner….he hasn’t before, so why now?’ or ‘I’ll never get these kids to stop fighting,’ or maybe just….’I can’t do this!’
The pervasiveness of thoughts during a stressful emotional moment can be very telling about what’s actually going on in your mind. And, what’s going on in your mind could actually be left over from the past or, more importantly, be producing a certain emotional response in your body that is sending out certain chemicals throughout your brain and body that are actually causing more stress. The stress cycle has begun.
So, how can we break the cycles?
The answer: Become aware of your thoughts.
The super-duper answer: Become aware of any thoughts that are not truly supportive of you or your child. (or anyone else with whom you’re interacting)
Sounds simple but it takes some practice to be able to stop in the moment when things become emotionally charged for you or your child and recognize what your thoughts actually are.
Yet, it’s in this moment, this precious moment, where new brain patterns can be formed and here’s where it all gets very fascinating.
Watch out…my neuroscience geekiness is about to kick in!
In a recent interview from the movie, ‘What The Bleep Do We Know’, Dr. Joe Dispenza describes what happens in our brains when we think a different thought….when we choose to think a new thought:
‘We also know that nerve cells that don’t fire together no longer wire together. They lose their long-term relationship. Because every time we interrupt a thought process that produces a chemical response in the body…every time we interrupt it, those nerve cells that are connected to each other start breaking a long-term relationship. When we start interrupting and observing , not by stimulus & response and that automatic reaction, but by observing the effects it takes, then we are NO LONGER the body-mind-conscious-emotional person that’s responding to it’s environment as if it’s automatic.’
I was jumping out of my seat when I heard this because this is exactly what we’ve been teaching in our classes! To be able to stop yourself in that precious moment when it all feels like it’s falling apart. When you’re about to explode. When your child is really pushing your buttons. When you’re about to lose your cool.
What if you were to just stop in that moment?
What if you would just stop, ‘interrupt and observe’ your thought(s)?
By becoming the observer, you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts. And when you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts, then you can now experience having choice. The freedom to choose which thoughts you really want to be thinking here. If we can stop or ‘interrupt’ these cycles of automatic responses or thoughts that are no longer supportive of yourself or your relationships (or your parenting for that matter), then you can now choose which thoughts would truly serve each situation.
It’s a mastery… a mastery of the mind.
And when you can master your mind, you may just find that you don’t need to respond to ‘your environment as if it’s automatic.’
In short, you may just be re-wiring your brain towards love and support.
So, Brad Pitt, there’s nothing wrong with intuition as we parent. I believe we need to look a bit deeper here though at whether or not that intuition is truly serving ourselves and our children.
For locked deep within some of your intuitive impulses may lie the source of disconnection, disharmony or separation.
Unlock the door to your thoughts and you have now opened up your mind to what’s truly possible.
Next week: The Power of Your Child’s Thoughts
What Happened When I Busted Through
I’ve been talking for a while about limiting belief patterns. I coach about it. I teach classes about it. I meditate on it. I am constantly coming up with new ways to bust through limiting beliefs for my clients and students.
Key words there: For my clients and students.
Sure, I know that I have my own limiting beliefs however, my schedule had become so packed with new clients and our classes that my own meditation time had been slowly diminishing over the past few weeks. Life had just gotten very full!
So, on Monday, I was especially delighted when, out of the blue, a young woman had seen my work offered me a two-hour ‘Intuitive Heart Healing’ Session in exchange for a testimonial. A-ha! I thought. Here’s my ‘meditation’ time! I had no idea what to expect but it just sounded so cool. Intuitive heart healing….who could pass that one up?
I entered into our session with a completely open mind and felt so surprised at what emerged.
As we talked and she guided me through her process, I could feel something very significant was happening. We talked about my past, my marriage, my son, and then, the conversation opened up to my ‘ancestral lines’.
Why?
Because our limiting belief patterns are sometimes passed down to us throughout generations. So, we need to talk generationally.
What beliefs have been passed down through your family ? Not good or bad….just beliefs.
I’ve found that parenting styles are passed down through the generations as well.
What parenting style do you believe has been passed down to you? Are you aware of this?
When you are attempting to make a shift in your parenting style (usually from a more dominant ‘control over’ approach to a more peaceful ‘relationship with’ approach), then you are really breaking cycles of parenting behavior that may have been in place over generations.
Same with limiting belief patterns. And most of the time, you may not know what limiting beliefs lurk beneath the surface. If you’re sensing that something is guiding most of your behavior, then it may just be a limiting belief.
Here are FOUR CLUES to help you identify your own limiting belief:
- This is often your first thought in your greatest moment of stress. Ex: As a parent, a common limiting belief is, ‘I’m not doing this right.’
- A limiting belief will produce an emotion that doesn’t feel pleasurable to your body.
- Once you break through a limiting belief, you are open to adopt a NEW supportive belief.
- Once you break through a limiting belief, your whole life shifts.
We continued to move through her ‘Intuitive Heart Healing’ process on Monday when after about an hour, through unpeeling many layers of beliefs and a bunch of tears, we stumbled upon one of my GREATEST LIMITING BELIEFS EVER!
‘I should be married.’
THAT was my limiting belief…..I really didn’t expect this one!!
Sounds quite simple, huh? The facts are that I was married about 3 years ago. Then, I got divorced and now, my son’s dad and I co-parent our son together. Yet, something profound had been lingering in my unconscious mind. This thought…..this belief that ‘I should be married.’
When we came upon this limiting belief, I was able to trace it all the way back to my childhood and what was modeled for me throughout my whole family. I come from a large extended family where I noticed as a child that all of the women got married and stayed married. Here’s where my belief began to take shape.
Here’s where most of our limiting beliefs begin to take shape. In our childhoods.
It has absolutely nothing with how your family was or how they treated you. Your limiting beliefs originate either as passed-down beliefs (ex: All women should be married!) or they begin when you attribute meaning to a situation. Whatever you make something mean, then it becomes so for you.
For example, when I saw all of the women in my extended family were married by a certain age, I quickly created the belief, ‘I should be married…too.’
As this belief was unearthed in a very profound, emotional way through my session on Monday, I could see just how this belief had been causing me tons of unnecessary stress and confusion.
Why the stress and confusion?
I love my life now and I truly love being able to share the work that I’m so passionate about. Yet, when I would think about a new partner in my life, I would immediately begin to feel stress and confusion. And, I could never understand why.
I wouldn’t allow new potential partners to get too close. Now, I understand just how my brain had been grappling with this old belief of ‘I should be married,’ and this belief had come between me and my new potential partner.
Once you uncover a limiting belief pattern, then you are truly free to create anything you’d like to create. That’s really how it works. And, you also start to notice people reacting to you differently.
‘When you shift, then everyone in your world shifts too.’
Finally, after years of holding this limiting belief pattern, I busted through what feels like generations of a commonly-held belief.
On Monday, I finally understood what so many of you as our students and clients had been experiencing as we bust through YOUR limiting belief patterns.
Freedom is suddenly possible.
The unknown is suddenly possible.
Loving the moment is suddenly possible.
And, you open to a whole new you.
Welcome…….
You’ve now Re-Parented yourself.
What If We Had a Parent’s Manifesto?
I wrote this Manifesto after I got angry about something that my 4-year old son did and consequently, didn’t listen to him. I was frustrated by my actions and felt like I needed some sort of personal manifesto that I could post somewhere….something to say everyday. I’m often asked for one tool, one thing that will help parents in any moment. Sure, we have tools though I think 99% of the time it’s being able to actually remember the tool in the moment.
I find that affirmations trigger a part of the brain that offers a context…a structure from which to live by.
Parenting is not different. I believe that we all need some sort of context, a list of values, a ‘noble cause’ or even, yes, a manifesto.
Short and sweet.
Here’s my offering to you. I invite you to use this and/or make your own.
A Parent’s Manifesto
1. I commit to listen to you, to hear your voice even when it’s saying something I may not like.
2. I commit to respect your feelings and needs.
3. I commit to offer you the space to express who you are and what you’re feeling.
4. I commit to not take anything you do or say personally.
5. I commit to believing in you and your abilities even when you don’t believe.
6. I commit to listening deeply to the calling of your heart.
7. I commit to taking a moment to calm myself down before coming to you with any anger, judgment or criticism.
Were you raised with a ‘manifesto’?
The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Are You Changing Yourself For Someone Else?
Completely blown away by today’s realization. Always knew it was there but today, it really came alive in the most eye-opening, powerful way.
So, what was it?
As one of my healers asked me today about what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of shifting myself to accommodate another…not really stepping into who I really am and speaking from my heart about what I feel in any given moment. And, by not doing this, I realized just how much I’m missing out on the depth of what’s possible for connection with another and the magic that can happen within a communication – an exchange.
Crazy, huh?
I teach and coach and speak all day about feelings and being in touch with our feelings. Yet, when it came time today for me to get real about my feelings, I noticed my ability to adjust my feelings to suit a particular environment or circumstance. And, I noticed that the adjustment is made almost instantaneously. So, I may be honestly feeling one thing, but because I am either not feeling comfortable in sharing that feeling or don’t think that it’s appropriate in this circumstance, I will quickly shift, cover up the original feeling and adopt a new feeling that suits the situation.
Do you ever find yourself doing this?
What I’m talking about here is very subtle and yet, I believe that it’s at the core now of why so many of us can’t really feel our feelings.
We’re more concerned about what another person may be thinking or how another will receive you.
I say it’s time to get real. To really be in touch with our hearts and say the thing that’s true. Really true. Your true feeling. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say. Even if you think that it may hurt another.
Feelings can never be in conflict. When they are true and honest and spoken from your heart.
Being able to feel a feeling is one thing. Giving a name to your feeling is another. But, then, being aware of your ‘cover-up’ or ‘hiding’ of your original feeling is completely another thing.
So, are you covering up?
Or, even a better question…
Are you shifting your feelings to accommodate somebody else? Just notice next time.
What I’m noticing in all of this is that the more you can authentically share your heart , then the more you are teaching your child to do the same.
It’s time.
We cannot go around anymore without sharing who we truly are, what we truly feel…what’s really there in the core of your heart. As a parent. As a person.
I believe that this is what our children are calling for now.
To be able to speak your feelings from your heart.
So…..what are you feeling?
Re-Parenting: It’s Not About Them…It’s About You
Ever feel like your mom or dad’s words just came out of your mouth while parenting your child?
Ever find yourself saying things that you swore you’d NEVER say to YOUR child?
Where does this stuff come from?
It’s left over from your past. From the way you were parented. Actually, more to the point, it’s left-over from the FEELINGS that you had about the way you were parented.
Here’s what happens….
You’re a child with needs. Need for love, attention, affection, appreciation, autonomy, acceptance, connection….you get the picture.
And when one of these needs wasn’t met, you had some feelings around it. When you were between 0-7 years old, these were probably some pretty BIG feelings given the growth of the emotional center of the human brain during these very formative years.
So, here you are with your big feelings and your parents began their parenting journey: how did they react or respond to your big feelings? Did you feel like you were really heard? Understood? Can you even remember?
Maybe so. Maybe not. These are all feelings that are NOW locked inside of your body as a parent.
These feelings are doorways into your true peace because here’s what happened next.
When you had your big feelings as a child, your mind got to work saying certain things to yourself based on your feelings. These statements that you started to tell yourself as a child may have seemed VERY TRUE at the time.
These statements are guiding your actions with your child now.
These statements are most likely NOT SERVING YOU anymore.
They are commonly known as your LIMITING BELIEFS.
So, what are your limiting beliefs?
They could be anything like, ‘Nobody listens to me’ or ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘Nobody Cares About Me.’
Your mind is super-duper creative during these moments of intense stress when the stress hormones were flooding your system as a child causing your mind to race with all kinds of thoughts- some were supportive, yet, most were definitely not.
And that’s how it all started.
Now, flash forward and you’re a parent. And your kid has needs that you’re either aware of or unaware of.
You may just see your child as ‘acting out’ or ‘misbehaving.’
What’s really happening is that your child, much like you as a child, has needs and when these needs don’t get met, guess what happens?
Your child has some pretty big feelings. This is what ‘acting out’ or ‘tantrums’ look like.
Them, you start stressing out and your body floods with that stress hormone called ‘cortisol.’. Here’s where you may lose your &#%*!!
Why?
Because those old limiting belief patterns from when you were a child are getting triggered in your brain, causing you to react VERY STRONGLY during those HEATED MOMENTS with your child.
Thus, the cycle continues. Until your child becomes a parent and so on and so on and so on.
These cycles are generational. Limiting beliefs are right now being passed down from generation to generation. Consciously and unconsciously.
So, what to do?
We need to Re-Parent ourselves. First and foremost.
You need a way to release those old LIMITING BELIEFS that are no longer serving you as a parent (as a person!) and replace them with NEW BELIEFS that completely SERVE YOU and How You Truly Want To Be With Your Child.
This is your time as a parent. This is your greatest opportunity to break the cycle. To give your child something that maybe you didn’t have. To turn the tides of disconnected, angry, hurtful behavior and allow your first reaction to be one of EMPATHY – for yourself and your child.
Join me this Thursday, April 7th at 1pm PST on your phone and I’ll share with you my 5 Secrets to the Re-Parenting Process.
Click here to register…it’s on the house.
-
The 5 Secrets For Turning Frustration and Overwhelm Into Patience and Presence Right Now -
Connect With Me!
