Embracing The Warrior Within
Parenting is not only physically challenging at times but it really requires many relationship skills as well.
I just returned from Colorado, where I got to spend the past 5 days doing some relationship and parent coaching with Alexis Neely (www.Alexismartinneely.com) and her new husband, Russell Feingold (he’s never been a parent before) on how to be in a harmonious relationship with each other and with Alexis’ 7 and 11 year old children.
For those of you who don’t know Alexis, she’s a well-known lawyer and master business strategist who has been featured on ABC, CBS, Fox News, and The Today Show for her Estate Planning Programs for Parents.
Alexis has a great gift as a businesswoman and really loves her kids. The trick for her is in finding the balance to make it all work. Are you trying to balance work and kids too? It’s sometimes very challenging to keep up with your work/business and make enough time to spend with your kids.
Spending the last 5 days with Alexis in her home was nothing short of miraculous for we all discovered some deep truths in what you can do to cultivate relationship, specifically during your child’s big emotional times.
I was so incredibly fortunate to be there when her son, who’s 7 years old, was having a huge tantrum and I got to coach Alexis through it. The depth of the emotional tools that I’ve been teaching finally emerged as Alexis really held the space (using the tools) for her son to release and heal. It was such an incredibly beautiful moment to watch. Those are the pearls of connection that we really strive for with parents. For our children just want to be able to express their feelings in a safe, secure space and be held in empathy.
What happened that day with Alexis and her son literally gave birth to a revolutionary program that will transform your connection with your child and create inner security that your child so craves in a way that you have never experienced before. (more coming soon…….)
For when you can walk through the fire with your child, being able to be completely aware and present during that time when your child may be tearing up the house or doing something that you REALLY don’t love, then your capacity and your child’s capacity for empathy grows exponentially. When you can hold yourself back from reacting and choose a different way, you are inherently making space for connection – a connection that will last forever.
This way of parenting is radical and I understand that. We are so used to either taking care of someone else’s feelings or trying to shut those big feelings down. This can be very tricky when you are the in the middle of the fire of your child’s emotion.
Yet, it is in the VERY center of the fire where yours and your child’s greatest healing happens.
And, this is what excites me most about this work.
So, what did I learn?
Here’s what I learned:
1) We can all use a lot of compassionate listening, especially your children.
2) The way you listen and hold space for another (your child!) completely effects how that person (child) is going to show up in the relationship
3) Love for a child, or for anyone else for that matter, isn’t about ‘tit for tat’
4) Being a couple raising children requires a conscious practice of awareness, connection and a whole lot of forgiveness. The kind of warrior nature that a person provides.
5)’ It’s not about you’ – we can make so many of our interactions with our partners (and children) mean that there’s something ‘wrong’ with us as parents when really, your child’s big emotions are oftentimes unrelated to anything that you’re doing or saying at that time.
After being with Alexis and her kids this past week and really diving in and witnessing the practice that I teach in action, I got crystal clear about what it is that parents are really needing now to connect with their partners and their children in a deep and transformative way. A way that goes beyond the emotions of the moment and accesses the core strength that every parent has deep within herself/himself .
You are basically becoming a warrior every time you walk ‘through the fire’ with a child and offer awareness, patience, authenticity, and above all, your great listening.
Here’s what Alexis had to say after our week together:
‘The relationship tools that Jolette teaches in this program are completely transformational and cause breakthroughs. I can feel more love flowing now between me and my husband than ever before and I feel much more patient and connected now as a parent. I know exactly what to do to guide my 7 yr old and 11 yr old through their many emotional challenges and establish healthy communication patterns that they’ll have for the rest of their lives.’
- Alexis Neely, Mom of 2, Lawyer, Master Business Strategist, www.alexismartinneely.com
Every moment when you choose to walk into the fire with your child, you rebirth yourself and your connection with your child and you model an incredible strength for your child. The strength of a warrior. An inner strength that doesn’t need to react to every emotion. Rather, you can have the choice as a parent to respond by providing your child the space of empathy to be ok with any emotion he/she is experiencing. It’s been said that traditionally, a feeling lasts for a minute and a half. Maybe during that minute and a half lies our true opportunity to embrace the warrior within.
Are You Being The ‘Perfect’ Parent?
It’s human nature to strive and enjoy pleasurable experiences and veer away from the more challenging and uncomfortable times. And, why not?
Pleasure is fun. Happiness is contagious. Truly, it is.
How wonderful to witness the pure joy and unbridled delight in the play of a child. I believe it’s really what we’re meant to be doing here on planet earth – you are really meant to enjoy yourself here, just like your child is meant to enjoy himself/herself. To live, laugh and love to the fullest expression of who you are.
Yet, what happens when things don’t look perfect? When you are being challenged by your child and you don’t feel like the ‘perfect parent’? What happens when you have strong feelings of anger or upset? How can you resolve these?
It’s important to remember these 5 things during those challenging times:
Nobody’s perfect.
Be honest with yourself and what you’re feeling and needing.
Express your feelings and needs in a healthy manner.
Reflect on any lessons that came along with your feelings and needs.
Obstacles are opportunities for change and growth. Sometimes extreme growth brings about even more love and transformation.
There is a continuum of violence that is alive in every moment. We, as parents, are often shocked at the level of anger we have towards our children, and yet, no matter who you are, you exist somewhere on that continuum of violence. On a scale of 1-10, you may find yourself at a ‘1’, being more calm and peaceful with your child, or you may be at a 9 or 10, spanking and screaming at your child any chance you get. You may also find yourself somewhere in the middle. Where are you at right now?
In our classes and throughout the practice of nonviolent parenting, we have a somewhat radical definition of ‘violence’. We see violence as ‘anything that hurts the body, mind or spirit of another living being.’ This includes screaming, spanking and anything that includes any form of blame, shame, punishment, consequence or manipulation.
This definition is definitely challenging for a lot of people and I believe that it really invites all of us to take a closer look and get honest with ourselves about where we exist along that continuum. There is no right or wrong – no good or bad about where you are. You are where you are. Your gift is that you can now become aware and honest with where you’re at. Because if you don’t know where your starting point is, then it’s going to be really difficult to get to where you want to be.
Why is it important for you NOT to judge where you’re at?
When you judge yourself – notice something as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, then you stop the flow of learning and transformation that wants to take place. It’s hard to see the truth of a situation and be able to choose a healthier solution when you become consumed with judgment.
Believe it or not, your child really needs your full presence in the ‘happy’ times as well as the challenging ones. Especially during the challenging times! When you’re not fully expressed as a person and as a parent, then you’re unable to completely offer your child your full presence. A part of your mind is completely wrapped up in judging yourself instead of freeing up mindspace through the practice of forgiveness.
Maybe you just had a moment of disconnection between you and your child. You can forgive, reestablish the connection and move on.
The sacred exists in your whole experience of life with your child. The pleasurable AND the challenging.
Now is your greatest opportunity to forgive, connect, and grow with your child.
Are you ready?
Can You Release Your Expectations? This Moment Is Your Life
So, why would you ever want to release your expectations? Isn’t it your expectations that fuel your quality of life? Isn’t it your expectations of how your child should be acting that is defining your family values.
Maybe. But maybe not.
When you’re stressed about how everything SHOULD look or SHOULD be in a certain moment (hint: all of your expectations) then, guess what?
Your stress could actually be causing more disconnection between you and your child and guiding you further away from whatever you really want to teach/model for your child about communication, cooperation and honesty.
In order to connect with your child, both of you may just really be craving some good ol’ fashioned acceptance.
Acceptance? Yes, acceptance.
Can you really accept your child for everything he is and everything she’s not. Can you fully accept a moment for everything it is and everything it’s not?
In every moment of your life, whether you realize it or not, you are being guided by your unconscious beliefs and brain patterns. Now, you may have formed some very strong beliefs, some conscious and probably some very unconscious, about how you’re ‘supposed to act’ as a parent and how your child is ‘supposed to act’ as a child.
And it’s all of the ‘supposed to’s’ that may just be blocking you truly accepting yourself and truly accepting your child in every moment, now matter how wacky the moment may seem to be.
We are so quick to judge our children sometimes….so quick to want to stop whatever’s going on instead of striving to accept each moment for exactly what it is.
Maybe your child is trying to kick you in this moment. Maybe your child just won’t listen to you in this moment. Maybe you’re disagreeing with your child in this moment. Maybe your child just can’t express herself in this moment and so, she’s sitting very silently. Well, maybe…just maybe, you’re expecting something else to happen.
Maybe you’re expecting your child to BE a different way from how he/she is BEING in this exact moment. And, don’t we do this all the time? Come on, be honest.
How is your child supposed to be acting right now? And, how is a ‘perfect parent’ supposed to be acting right about now?
Our minds are so caught up in these ideals of what’s supposed to be that we are missing out on what is – we are missing out on the present moment. And, guess what?
The present moment is your life. Right now is ‘all right’. No matter what is happening. There really is nowhere else to be and really, there is really nothing else that your child SHOULD be doing than what he/she is doing right now.
Sure, there are places and activities that you want to guide your child into doing – like eating or bathing or sleeping. But, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about all of those times where you’re feeling frustrated or upset because of whatever your child is doing or however your child is being. I’m talking about all of those moments BEFORE you choose to act as a parent where you make a decision that whatever is happening at the current moment is NOT OK.
And that’s where we’re missing out. Here’s where we get swept up in the expectations of the mind (from your present and your past), and you lose all of that yummy connection in the present moment.
You know when my son laughs the hardest? It’s when I’m really being present and laughing or making fun of whatever IS in that moment. Maybe I’ve just knocked over a whole box of opened cereal onto the floor while grabbing for the milk or maybe he’s running around the house naked with one shoe on when we have about one minute to get him out the door to school. Whatever the moment brings, it brings.
Your acceptance, your complete acceptance will bring about your humor.
Your humor will bring you into the present moment.
And the present moment is where your gift lies.
I was once at a backyard barbecue party with Woody Harrelson, his wife and 2-year old daughter. This was many years ago yet, I’ll never forget what happened.
Woody’s 2-year old daughter tripped by accident in the back doorway as she was walking into the house. Immediately, Woody was over there at lightning speed when he heard his daughter cry. But, it was his next choice of response that really captured my heart. What did he do?
After seeing that his daughter was ok and checking in with her, Woody stood up, tripped and fell too, imitating his daughter’s fall. He completely accepted what was happening in that moment.
His acceptance of the moment was fueling his empathy for his daughter.
Then, the funniest thing happened. One by one, other folks at the party tripped and fell next to Woody and his daughter, everyone imitating her fall. Soon, Woody’s daughter (and everyone else) was in a big dog pile on the ground, belly laughing!
And I just thought…how wonderful. Woody completely embraced the moment. He didn’t even need to use any words. Then, everyone joined him in completely embracing the moment.
Well, guess what? You’re no different than Woody. You too have a choice about how to respond in any given moment with your child. You really do. You have a choice.
Your moment is now. Your child may be doing the ‘WRONG’ thing right now. What is it going to take from you to completely accept yourself, release your expectations, and completely accept your child in this moment?
Because this moment is your life.
Where Is That Space of Stillness Between You and Your Child?
I remember hearing this once, ‘If you want your child to listen, stop talking so much.’
This week, by default of losing my voice and getting sick, I wasn’t really trying to get my son to listen specifically, but I definitely had to stop talking so much. The results?
My son naturally cooperated with me even more. We became like a team flowing together through each new activity – each part of our day. I didn’t know this would happen but my bout of silence has really offered me the opportunity to quiet my mind and listen more.
Cooperation is great when it happens, huh? At any age, it seems. There is nothing like it when your child flows with you. Yet, more than any cooperative moment are the deep levels of connection that lie beneath the cooperation.
The problem often is not that your child won’t cooperate with you or won’t listen to you. Make no mistake. Barring any physical hearing disorder, your child IS listening to you. The question really remains then, ‘Are you connecting with your child to have them even WANT to listen to you?’ Because CONNECTING is where it’s at. Don’t try to change your child’s behavior. Instead, strive to connect and the rest will work itself out.
For, you and your child share a space of cooperation naturally. It’s in the unspoken space between the two of you. The space where no words are necessary. It’s in that sideways glance. It’s in the smile that you share. It’s in the look of caring and concern on your face when your child is crying.
The unspoken space you share is the space of love – where all is understood.
That’s all great, you may be thinking, but ‘how do I access this space of cooperation right now? ‘
The answer: Listen more. Become a master of listening.
Listening opens up doors that would otherwise be closed. Listening gives way to that unspoken language that is always available to you as a parent.
Listening means using your body language, your eyes, and above all, your intention.
If you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again, trying to get your child to do something (or not do something), this is probably a good indicator that you’re talking too much. Your child has heard you. It may be time to just be quiet. Time to listen.
There is so much we can be aware of in the stillness. Within that quiet space between you and your child lies an entire universe of discovery longing to emerge.
Can you hear it? The silence is burgeoning, bringing you into a deeper connection with your child. But, you gotta get quiet….get really quiet and listen.
It may just be that words are not the thing we most need to share right now.
Getting Real With You
Have you ever felt that you needed to be a certain way in front of your children? Maybe perfect? Maybe strong or whole or like you’ve got all your sh… together?
I have.
And the funny thing is that our kids just really want to know us. Just as we are and just as we’re not. Your child is actually much more interested in your authenticity – what really makes you tick, makes you feel alive and inspired, what frustrates you and all the rest of it. Your child wants to know your truth, much more than anything.
Have you also noticed that your child can sense when you’re not being 100% authentic? I have.
Your child is searching out the truth in every moment and you have the unique opportunity to offer your own truth to your child and teach your child how to communicate honestly and openly with another person.
Maybe we don’t always have all the answers in the moment. Maybe we don’t always know what direction to take.
But we can always learn together. You can always find your way WITH your child. And you can always be honest about your own feelings and needs as you jump onto that path of exploration with your child.
For, in every moment that you share your own truth, your own feelings and needs with your child in a relaxed and ‘regulated’ way, then you are teaching your child just how to share his/her feelings and needs as well. You are opening up the the door to emotional literacy and becoming real.
Your child isn’t designed to hide his/her feelings and needs, just as you aren’t designed to hide your feelings. We’ve just become conditioned into believing that this is how we need to act and communicate with others – to be socially ‘appropriate’. However, it’s this social ‘appropriateness’ that ends up stifling your relationship with your child and not allowing your child to know the REAL you.
I believe that children have that unique ability to bring out the best in us. Really, they do. And one of these unique gifts that your child offers you is to bring out the REAL you.
How we create emotional literacy with our children is by being open and authentic with our own feelings. For when you can shift from being ‘perfect’ to being ‘real’, then a whole new relationship with your child emerges and emotional intelligence is birthed. And, what an incredible birth it is!
So, here’s what I found to be effective in the art of becoming real:
Feel whatever it is that you’re feeling.
Get honest with yourself that you’re feeling that.
Put a name to your feeling if you can. This helps to identify it for later conversation.
Get real with how you want to connect with your child (or whomever you’re with). You actually do have a choice whether to react from your emotion or RESPOND with another behavior/way of connecting.
Once the emotions have ‘calmed’ down, open up and share about what’s alive for you and listen to what’s alive for your child (or whomever you’re with). Talk about your feelings and needs.
Listen, listen, and listen.
The art of becoming you is one of the greatest gifts that you can offer your child.
It’s All A Matter Of Your Mind
I had always felt like our minds are just about the most powerful tool we can ever have.
And I had always heard from brain research that we’re using only a very small portion of our minds right now, which left me to endlessly ponder about that other very large unused portion. What if we were to be using that portion of our minds too? What if we could help our children to use more of their minds?
Especially during the ages of 0-6 yrs old when your child’s brain is growing at exponential rates.
According to those who teach about the power of the mind, like Bob Proctor, our minds have this unique ability to make quantum leaps towards anything that you want in life. A quantum leap. Right now.
And didn’t you ever feel like that as a parent? I had always envisioned having a wonderful, connected relationship with my son and when it didn’t all seem so wonderful (like in the middle of a huge tantrum…), I wondered if I could just switch my mindset and use one simple tool that would bring about this kind of a deep and fulfilling connection. Maybe there was one mindset shift or one tool that would turn this whole thing around!
Well, this past weekend just being in the presence of these mind masters and their teachings only confirmed for me that this mindset shift exists and is of crucial importance for us as parents…and as people now!
I had always been fascinated by the power of our minds to manifest all that we want to see happen in our lives. As I teach our Glide classes, talk with parents, and play with these deep mindset shifts within myself as I parent my 4 year old son, I’m convinced that our minds are uber-powerful and that any transformation you desire is possible. Even in just a moment, it’s possible.
But. you have to be willing to explore and make that change. Your mind will take you to places you’ve always dreamed possible…especially as a child.
Because here’s the thing….
Your mind doesn’t recognize the difference between reality and imagination. So, whatever you can imagine, your mind will think is real on some level. Isn’t that incredible??
We actually have so much to learn from our children about the power and fluidity of our imaginations. I believe that another one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is offering the space and freedom for your child’s imagination to flourish.
But, what about when the challenging situations arise?
Here’s are three tips that Bob Proctor shared this past weekend to get you through ANY situation with your child:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTmqcuFE9Y0
Now’s the time for us as parents to use the power of our minds within our parenting and to create a deeper sense of safety, peace and trust for our children.
I believe that this next generation of children is calling on us to step up as parents to do this.
Are you up to the task?
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