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Can Parenting Be A Partnership?

Posted by on January 13, 2012 · Leave a Comment 

I used to think that I had to do it all by myself.  By ‘it’, I mean just about everything.  I used to think that everything was up to me and I never allowed myself to receive that much support.  Crazy, huh?

And this was in every area of my life – relationships, health, finances, business, and yes, even parenting.   Actually, it stood out the most when I became a mom.

I allowed other people to BE there but I didn’t always allow them to contribute.  I hardly ever asked when I really, really needed help.

I remember when I was breastfeeding and my son was about six months old, I would feel terrible when my sister came over and immediately started cleaning my dishes in the sink.  (she was and is notorious for being the most rockin’ supportive sister and fellow mama traveler.)  I always wanted to tell her to stop…that I would take care of the dishes.  Yet, when you really looked at the situation, I was completely overwhelmed with stuff to do and the reality was that those dishes were probably going to be sitting there until somebody else helped with them….at least for that day.

Yet, there was something inside of me that truly believed I didn’t need the help.

Any of this sound familiar?

I thought that I had it all handled.  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ those words echoing now in my head like some kind of tribal call gone awry.

I thought that I didn’t want to trouble anyone else and that these were my responsibilities alone to figure out.

‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ soon became, ‘I know I can handle this!’ which then morphed into something like ’Why can’t I handle all of this?’, which quickly turned into , ‘There must be something wrong with me.  Those OTHER moms can do all of this’ and ultimately, ‘Help!!!’

My a-ha moment happened somewhere along those string of thoughts.  I began to wake up.

I opened up to the idea that I could receive as well as give.   It was completely revolutionary and completely what I needed.

It may sound strange but this whole idea of receiving was a completely new way of being for me.  Sure, I had received gifts before for special occasions but just the notion now of receiving support, assistance, guidance, and love unconditionally – without having to give anything back – was, indeed, revolutionary.

I remember attending T. Harv Eker’s The Millionaire Mind workshop years ago and he had us do this exercise where everyone was to walk around the room giving and receiving compliments.  If you were on the receiving end, all you could say was ‘thanks’ and receive the compliment.  Nothing more.

I so remember how that exercise moved me.  For what seemed like the first time in my life, I felt this huge sense of relief and acceptance in just being able to receive.   Receive for the sheer joy of receiving.  And not feeling like I had to give back immediately.

Thus began my journey towards partnership.

As I opened my heart more and more towards this idea of partnership, all of my old ideas of ‘I can do this on my own,’ began to melt away.  I began to receive more help, more love, more of whatever was needed in that moment.

And, you know what?

I really, really love partnership.

And I believe that partnership is what parenting is really all about.

I believe that you as a parent right now need to receive just as much as you need to give.

We need to arrive in partnership with our children.

For when you are living in the spirit of partnership, you are modeling these FIVE core practices:

  1.  Giving and receiving.  It’s just as important for a child to learn to give as to receive and vice versa.
  2. Gratitude for this time together.
  3. Respect for each other’s unique perspective, thoughts and ideas.
  4. Clear communication of each person’s feelings and needs.
  5. Working together to come up with solutions.

Partnership isn’t perfect, just like parenting is never perfect.

Yet, partnership allows the space for you AND your child to thrive.

Approaching parenting as a partnership has allowed me to breathe.  It’s allowed my child to do for himself and contribute to our family.  Allowing him the space within our relationship to have the answers sometimes.   Allowing myself to give him my pause and take a breath before reacting when I’m feeling angry or upset.  Allowing both of us to feel, to mess up, to explore, to be right, to be wrong, to not have all of the answers, to discover and ….

To return to who we truly are and what we’re truly capable of.

Filed under child, children, connection, mom, Parenting · Tagged with , , , ,

Can You Release Your Expectations? This Moment Is Your Life

Posted by on November 11, 2010 · 3 Comments 

So, why would you ever want to release your expectations? Isn’t it your expectations that fuel your quality of life? Isn’t it your expectations of how your child should be acting that is defining your family values.

Maybe. But maybe not.

When you’re stressed about how everything SHOULD look or SHOULD be in a certain moment (hint: all of your expectations) then, guess what?

Your stress could actually be causing more disconnection between you and your child and guiding you further away from whatever you really want to teach/model for your child about communication, cooperation and honesty.

In order to connect with your child, both of you may just really be craving some good ol’ fashioned acceptance.

Acceptance? Yes, acceptance.

Can you really accept your child for everything he is and everything she’s not. Can you fully accept a moment for everything it is and everything it’s not?

In every moment of your life, whether you realize it or not, you are being guided by your unconscious beliefs and brain patterns. Now, you may have formed some very strong beliefs, some conscious and probably some very unconscious, about how you’re ‘supposed to act’ as a parent and how your child is ‘supposed to act’ as a child.

And it’s all of the ‘supposed to’s’ that may just be blocking you truly accepting yourself and truly accepting your child in every moment, now matter how wacky the moment may seem to be.

We are so quick to judge our children sometimes….so quick to want to stop whatever’s going on instead of striving to accept each moment for exactly what it is.

Maybe your child is trying to kick you in this moment. Maybe your child just won’t listen to you in this moment. Maybe you’re disagreeing with your child in this moment. Maybe your child just can’t express herself in this moment and so, she’s sitting very silently. Well, maybe…just maybe, you’re expecting something else to happen.

Maybe you’re expecting your child to BE a different way from how he/she is BEING in this exact moment. And, don’t we do this all the time? Come on, be honest.

How is your child supposed to be acting right now? And, how is a ‘perfect parent’ supposed to be acting right about now?

Our minds are so caught up in these ideals of what’s supposed to be that we are missing out on what is – we are missing out on the present moment. And, guess what?

The present moment is your life. Right now is ‘all right’. No matter what is happening. There really is nowhere else to be and really, there is really nothing else that your child SHOULD be doing than what he/she is doing right now.

Sure, there are places and activities that you want to guide your child into doing – like eating or bathing or sleeping. But, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about all of those times where you’re feeling frustrated or upset because of whatever your child is doing or however your child is being. I’m talking about all of those moments BEFORE you choose to act as a parent where you make a decision that whatever is happening at the current moment is NOT OK.

And that’s where we’re missing out. Here’s where we get swept up in the expectations of the mind (from your present and your past), and you lose all of that yummy connection in the present moment.

You know when my son laughs the hardest? It’s when I’m really being present and laughing or making fun of whatever IS in that moment. Maybe I’ve just knocked over a whole box of opened cereal onto the floor while grabbing for the milk or maybe he’s running around the house naked with one shoe on when we have about one minute to get him out the door to school. Whatever the moment brings, it brings.

Your acceptance, your complete acceptance will bring about your humor.

Your humor will bring you into the present moment.

And the present moment is where your gift lies.

I was once at a backyard barbecue party with Woody Harrelson, his wife and 2-year old daughter. This was many years ago yet, I’ll never forget what happened.

Woody’s 2-year old daughter tripped by accident in the back doorway as she was walking into the house. Immediately, Woody was over there at lightning speed when he heard his daughter cry. But, it was his next choice of response that really captured my heart. What did he do?

After seeing that his daughter was ok and checking in with her, Woody stood up, tripped and fell too, imitating his daughter’s fall. He completely accepted what was happening in that moment.

His acceptance of the moment was fueling his empathy for his daughter.

Then, the funniest thing happened. One by one, other folks at the party tripped and fell next to Woody and his daughter, everyone imitating her fall. Soon, Woody’s daughter (and everyone else) was in a big dog pile on the ground, belly laughing!

And I just thought…how wonderful. Woody completely embraced the moment. He didn’t even need to use any words. Then, everyone joined him in completely embracing the moment.

Well, guess what? You’re no different than Woody. You too have a choice about how to respond in any given moment with your child. You really do. You have a choice.
Your moment is now. Your child may be doing the ‘WRONG’ thing right now. What is it going to take from you to completely accept yourself, release your expectations, and completely accept your child in this moment?

Because this moment is your life.

Filed under Behavior, child, children, compassion, connection, cooperation, dad, Empathy, feelings, Parenting, peace · Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Parenting is Not Easy – You’re Becoming ‘Real’

Posted by on September 9, 2010 · 7 Comments 

My friend came over last night and she was totally at the end of her rope with her kid, whom she just left screaming with her husband.  She plopped herself down on the couch and just let it out, crying in between the words.  The feelings of utter disappointment and exasperation at parenting. How the hell do we do all of this?  ‘I just shouldn’t have become a parent,’ she cried.  ‘Nobody told me it was going to be like this.  Why didn’t ANYONE tell me?’

I just sat there with her, totally vibing where she was coming from and all of these  feelings of exasperation and complete shock that I’ve shared at times.  It’s so true, I thought.  If anyone knew what parenting was really all about, I wonder how many of us would consciously choose to become parents.  Wow, as I write that, it sounds awful.  There is so much love too in becoming a parent – love that I have never ever experienced before.  Buckets and buckets of love.  But, it’s not the good parts we were talking about last night.  It’s the parts that are just exasperating.  It’s the parts of parenting that leave you not knowing the answer, wanting to pull your hair out, feeling disappointed and alone.

I feel like we’ve all been there as parents – and probably more than once a day.  So many new challenges come at every turn.  And much of the time, it’s just you and your kid there and you have to make the call.  Why is your toddler raging like that and throwing himself at the wall?  What’s up with your teenager who doesn’t want to talk to you and locking herself in her room?  Why is doesn’t your pre-teen ever listen?  How do you get your baby to sleep through the night so that you can get more than two hours sleep at a time and not feel so exhausted?

Parenting will, no doubt, turn your world inside out and take you to the edge, more times than not.  And we read about all of these parenting tips and other people’s stories about how great their kids are doing or how proud they are of their kids, but what about the messy stuff?  Who’s talking about that?

It just doesn’t seem that there is ever going to be some formula to raise your kids by.  Something that will just make it ‘all ok’.  Because feelings and emotions are messy.  Just by being human means that we have feelings and we are going to feel these feelings to the nth degree as parents – a lot !  Being human means being alive.  If you’re breathing, then you’re feeling, whether you’re talking about it or not.

So, I say we start talking.  As parents, we need to get all of this stuff out.  We need to share what’s REALLY going on.  What’s keeping us up at night, what we’re really feeling, what’s our greatest challenge this week, this day, this moment.  We need to let it all out with each other.

Like Robin Grille says in his book, ‘Parenting for a Peaceful World,‘  ‘Here is what a real person is: sometimes sad, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes irritated, frustrated, elated, loving, angry, tender, confused, mistaken and uncertain.  In other words, not so in-control.’

But it’s in the sharing of our emotions- our feelings- with each other than we can find some relief.  I say it’s time to let it all out with other parents.  Cry, laugh, scream, whisper, share, share, share what’s really going on for you.

Because parenting is hard.  It’s often exasperating.  It will push and pull you, lift you to your highest highs and drag you to your lowest lows, it will move you and shake you up.  It will rip you open.

And, like it or not, it’s going to eventually make you real.

What’s that part from the Velveteen Rabbit that’s sticking in my head right now?

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

And don’t we all wish for that, secretly?  To not have to experience all of these uncomfortable things as parents.  I know I have.  Why can’t this all be easy?

And it’s not.  And I’m in the moment with my raging child.  And there’s nobody coming to the rescue.  It’s just me here.  And I’m all alone in this moment.  Hearing the rage. Feeling the stress.  Not knowing exactly what to do.  This moment with my child.

So, hey, this is my moment!  The one that I’ve been waiting for all of my life.  Here’s my chance at becoming. Here’s what being a parent is all about.

There should be a big sign on the wall, saying ‘Welcome to your moment!‘  For this moment as a parent - this is our zen, our yoga, our meditation, our cleansing, our therapy, our dance, our song, our whatever-you-want-to-call-it.  This is the stuff that’s going to make us real.  It’s here, right in front of you in the eyes and ears and screams of your child.  It’s here in the uncomfortable feelings.

This is it.

Welcome.

You’ve arrived.

Finally.

This moment.

You’re becoming real.

Hallelujah.

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