Can You Keep It Simple?
Having dinner with a friend last week who has this innate ability to tap into the present moment and appreciate it so much that you 
tend to forget somehow that anything else exists BUT this moment. It’s a crazy beautiful skill that I wish I could clone.
In the middle of dinner, he mentions the word KISS. No, not a kiss in the traditional sense. He explained to me that the acronym stood for ‘Keep It Simple Stupid’. His best advice to me for the evening.
It sounded a bit silly at the time but that acronym has really been sticking with me and now, flowing over into my one on one sessions with parents.
We all try so hard as parents to understand our children and make sense of this incredibly life-changing process taking place called ‘raising a child’. Every experience you’d like to have with your child, every connection, every moment that you’d like to hold in your heart forever. For many of us, as parents, we wish for time to just stop for a moment. How can you possibly grasp all that is happening in the great cycle of life?
And, that’s where I see ‘Keep It Simple’ entering the picture.
Simply put, your child really wants your full attention. All of it. And I’m not talking just about your presence. (‘cause we talk an awful lot about that over here) I’m talking about another kind of attention.
Keeping it simple means being clearing the path to actually have that kind of attention for yourself and your child.
And, clearing the path means getting real with four things in your life:
Your intentions for the qualities that you’d like to develop in your child
Your commitment to modeling these qualities in yourself. (ha! Easier said than done sometimes!)
An awareness of where you may be getting stuck or reacting strongly with your child….what are your trigger points?
Getting help to move beyond those blockages so that you can expand your presence with your child and keep on keeping it simple!
When you’re feeling confused or lost as a parent, you may actually be experiencing a loop of negative self-talk or beliefs. These thought loops often no longer serve you and will keep you on an endless rollercoaster of self-sabotaging behavior.
I spoke with the most wonderful mom yesterday who was really taking the care and attention to make sure that she was being fully present with her son. Yet, in her head, her efforts were never enough. She had these incessant thought loops playing in her mind of ‘it’s never good enough’ and ‘I could’ve done better.’
While they seemed like valid thoughts to her at the time, these thoughts were noticeably taking this mom out of the present moment with her child. And the funny thing is that she’s not alone! Not at all.
We are all experiencing some kind of thought loop all the time. Question is whether or not the current thought loop is really serving you in experiencing your deepest joy, your unbridled passion, fulfillment, love, connection, and above all, your sense of security from the inside out to truly express the most authentic you. Whew! Guess it’s quite a big question!
The expression of who you are emerges in life over time and throughout the space of your connections with others. Your child is calling forth the fullest expression of you in every moment, whether you’re aware of this or not. And you have the unique opportunity to rise to the occasion.
So often we want to run from those very difficult emotions that may be causing us pain, hurt, or confusion. Yet, if you can sit long enough in the full expression of that feeling, without reacting immediately, you’ll receive the gift that lies underneath and that gift has the possibility to transform you.
Feelings cause us to expand who we are and what we think about life.
Let your intuition guide you and ‘keep it simple’. There is a deeper expression of love, patience…of trust longing to emerge.
Embracing The Warrior Within
Parenting is not only physically challenging at times but it really requires many relationship skills as well.
I just returned from Colorado, where I got to spend the past 5 days doing some relationship and parent coaching with Alexis Neely (www.Alexismartinneely.com) and her new husband, Russell Feingold (he’s never been a parent before) on how to be in a harmonious relationship with each other and with Alexis’ 7 and 11 year old children.
For those of you who don’t know Alexis, she’s a well-known lawyer and master business strategist who has been featured on ABC, CBS, Fox News, and The Today Show for her Estate Planning Programs for Parents.
Alexis has a great gift as a businesswoman and really loves her kids. The trick for her is in finding the balance to make it all work. Are you trying to balance work and kids too? It’s sometimes very challenging to keep up with your work/business and make enough time to spend with your kids.
Spending the last 5 days with Alexis in her home was nothing short of miraculous for we all discovered some deep truths in what you can do to cultivate relationship, specifically during your child’s big emotional times.
I was so incredibly fortunate to be there when her son, who’s 7 years old, was having a huge tantrum and I got to coach Alexis through it. The depth of the emotional tools that I’ve been teaching finally emerged as Alexis really held the space (using the tools) for her son to release and heal. It was such an incredibly beautiful moment to watch. Those are the pearls of connection that we really strive for with parents. For our children just want to be able to express their feelings in a safe, secure space and be held in empathy.
What happened that day with Alexis and her son literally gave birth to a revolutionary program that will transform your connection with your child and create inner security that your child so craves in a way that you have never experienced before. (more coming soon…….)
For when you can walk through the fire with your child, being able to be completely aware and present during that time when your child may be tearing up the house or doing something that you REALLY don’t love, then your capacity and your child’s capacity for empathy grows exponentially. When you can hold yourself back from reacting and choose a different way, you are inherently making space for connection – a connection that will last forever.
This way of parenting is radical and I understand that. We are so used to either taking care of someone else’s feelings or trying to shut those big feelings down. This can be very tricky when you are the in the middle of the fire of your child’s emotion.
Yet, it is in the VERY center of the fire where yours and your child’s greatest healing happens.
And, this is what excites me most about this work.
So, what did I learn?
Here’s what I learned:
1) We can all use a lot of compassionate listening, especially your children.
2) The way you listen and hold space for another (your child!) completely effects how that person (child) is going to show up in the relationship
3) Love for a child, or for anyone else for that matter, isn’t about ‘tit for tat’
4) Being a couple raising children requires a conscious practice of awareness, connection and a whole lot of forgiveness. The kind of warrior nature that a person provides.
5)’ It’s not about you’ – we can make so many of our interactions with our partners (and children) mean that there’s something ‘wrong’ with us as parents when really, your child’s big emotions are oftentimes unrelated to anything that you’re doing or saying at that time.
After being with Alexis and her kids this past week and really diving in and witnessing the practice that I teach in action, I got crystal clear about what it is that parents are really needing now to connect with their partners and their children in a deep and transformative way. A way that goes beyond the emotions of the moment and accesses the core strength that every parent has deep within herself/himself .
You are basically becoming a warrior every time you walk ‘through the fire’ with a child and offer awareness, patience, authenticity, and above all, your great listening.
Here’s what Alexis had to say after our week together:
‘The relationship tools that Jolette teaches in this program are completely transformational and cause breakthroughs. I can feel more love flowing now between me and my husband than ever before and I feel much more patient and connected now as a parent. I know exactly what to do to guide my 7 yr old and 11 yr old through their many emotional challenges and establish healthy communication patterns that they’ll have for the rest of their lives.’
- Alexis Neely, Mom of 2, Lawyer, Master Business Strategist, www.alexismartinneely.com
Every moment when you choose to walk into the fire with your child, you rebirth yourself and your connection with your child and you model an incredible strength for your child. The strength of a warrior. An inner strength that doesn’t need to react to every emotion. Rather, you can have the choice as a parent to respond by providing your child the space of empathy to be ok with any emotion he/she is experiencing. It’s been said that traditionally, a feeling lasts for a minute and a half. Maybe during that minute and a half lies our true opportunity to embrace the warrior within.
Can You Truly Forgive Your Child?
Our children are always pushing our buttons. Doesn’t it just seem that they’re specifically designed to do so?
We talk a lot in our classes about connection. Deep connection. We live and breathe connection, making it the intention within communications with our children. Yet, you’re the parent. Don’t you always know what’s right for your child and what’s not?
Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to have the last say about everything?
Well, maybe yes, but if you are truly interested in connecting with your child, then the answer to that last question would be a definitive ‘NO.’
Connection is all about cooperation. It’s about taking the journey together. And the trick is, as a parent, that you might just have to give up being right or knowing the answer within a situation in order to connect with your child.
What’s more important? Being right or connecting?
The journey of learning –gathering the tools to learn- is a journey of discovery and exploration. If you are to connect –deeply connect with your child- then this journey must be done together.
You and your child exploring and discovering new lands – new ideas, concepts, actions, ways of being and most of all, discovering each other.
But, how do you get to the feeling of being a curious explorer when your buttons are being pushed for the umpteenth time and the urge to just tell your child what to do and what to do next and what to do next is welling up inside of you, threatening to explode into the space between you and your child? (Whew! That was a mouthful!)
We need to drastically shift our mindset as parents if we really want to connect with our children and engage in that co-creative relationship with them.
The mindset we need to adopt, you might ask?
Wonder.
Wonderment.
That place where you just marvel and wonder about something.
Are you willing to be in a place of wonder?
When we stand in that place of wonderment together, then universes open up to the infinite possibilities of connection that now lay before us. Wonderment offers you a space where anything is possible.
Remember being a kid and just wondering whether something you did would cause something else? All of those endless hours of experimentation with all sorts of things, situations, and communication?
We are naturally in a state of constant wonderment and exploration as a child. It’s infectious. It’s the core of learning.
And the greatest learning that we have to do here in this life – the greatest opportunity we have to grow spiritually and emotionally is with each other. In relationship.
What makes you tick? What ticks you off? What excites you? Moves you to passion? Or passionately moves you away from your child (or anyone else) ?
What is your child trying to learn about you in this moment?
And what can you learn about your child in this moment?
A very accomplished entrepreneurial mom asked me the other day if it was possible for her to repair some of the ‘disconnection’ that happened with her children (ages 7-12) during the time that she was working full time and going through a divorce. Once the patterns of disconnection are ‘set in place’, is there really any way to establish that sense of trust, safety and intimacy that’s possible to have between a parent and child?
‘Isn’t it too late?’ she asked.
And I blurted out my answer based in brain science (because that’s where my brain went in that moment!): ‘No, it’s never too late because the brain has neuroplasticity, which means that our brains, at any moment, can grow and change and learn new patterns.
Upon deeper reflection of her question today, I might add, “Hmmm, I wonder.” And then, invite her to step into that place of wonder with me.
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can really embrace my child for all that she/he is and all that she/he is not.”
“Hmmm, I wonder if my child is really capable of cooperating with me?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I could really understand what my child is going through right now?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can truly forgive my child?”
With Christmas around the corner, we are reminded of the incredible energy and teachings of Jesus around forgiveness.
So, here is my invitation to you.
I invite you to step into a place of wonderment now with your child and just notice if anything new opens up.
Maybe your greatest present that you’ll receive this holiday is the gift of true presence.
Could parenting really be ALL about you?
You know how ‘they’ say ‘wherever you go, there you are.’? Well, I’m finding that it’s truer and truer these days….especially in parenting!
Funny, as I’m writing this, I’m recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final ‘fire’ happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight ‘A’ student in school and did great on tests . (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my ‘test’ and was asked by my ‘manager’ to leave the company as a result.
When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here.
My son had just returned from his dad’s house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn’t ‘passing’ the parenting ‘test’ as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another.
Truth is there really isn’t any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we’re supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don’t ‘look’ like they’re supposed to look and that’s ok. Actually, it’s more than ‘ok.’
Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you’re being ‘tested’.
And during your parenting ‘test’, you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly ‘normal’ and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, ‘pass the test.’
Passing the parenting test doesn’t mean that you get straight ‘A’s.’ No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn’t come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings.
Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments:
You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can ‘sit back’ and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a ‘negative’ thought about yourself or your parenting.
Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening.
Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children.
Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is.
If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a ‘letting go’ of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success.
So, what is ‘success’ , really?
For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it’s making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child.
Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what’s really going on for you and he can share what’s alive for him, then there is a magic that happens.
And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child.
So, what’s going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn’t go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn’t ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention.
What do you feel when your child doesn’t meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment?
I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now.
Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent.
It’s in those moments when you can get really ‘real’ with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed.
Kids are perception magnets. They’re picking up on everything…especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well.
That’s why I believe it’s time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship?
Millionaires often say that it’s really not about the millions that they have now, but it’s about the person they became in the process of getting the millions.
Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.
So, What’s Up With All This Anger?
I was just sitting on my bed last night with my 4-year old son playing behind me when all of a sudden, ‘Whack!’ A punch delivered right between my shoulder blades, in the back of my ‘heart’ totally knocked the wind out of me. I turned abruptly in shock. 
Ok, well… quasi-shock. He had been unusually quiet and ‘moody’ ever since picking him up from school and I knew that something was up. So, here it was. Here was the release. I just wasn’t expecting it in THAT moment.
Isn’t it always like that, though?
Do we ever really know when emotions will release and allow us into an understanding of what’s REALLY going on underneath the surface?
Here’s where you will really get to know your child but only if you’re willing AND only if you’re really listening.
Our kids (and us, too!) have so many levels of emotions that they go through in a day. Many of these deeper emotions are building up inside, just looking for a way to release. I know some of you may be thinking, ‘Yea, but I’m not ready (or willing) to be the punching bag for my kid’s emotions.’
And, here’s where so many of us as parents get tripped up.
Why?
Because it’s very hard to remember in the moment when your child hurts you either physically or emotionally that it’s not about you.
I’ll say it again. It’s not about you.
This is one of the core lessons to remember in the practice of empathy and connected communication. In order to authentically connect with your child, discover what’s REALLY going on, and develop that lasting, deep bond of trust and safety with your child, you’re going to have to make a choice here in your thinking.
Choice A: Immediately reprimand, punish, or ‘correct’ your child’s behavior.
Choice B: Seek to understand the feelings and needs of your child (AND yourself) in that moment and then set the limit for what behavior ‘works’ in your family.
When we automatically dive into Choice A, we lose so much of the understanding and connection that’s actually possible during those moments. We don’t get to find out what’s REALLY going on.
Because those moments of release – even though they may look like a punch, a scream, a door slammed – are your moments of opportunity for connection. The ‘outbursts’ are windows into your child’s complex emotional realm.
Your child is crying out during those moments on a deeper level to be heard, to be acknowledged and ‘discovered.’ There are emotions on top of emotions on top of emotions just looking for a place to be expressed.
As the parent, you can provide that place.
When talking with a dear colleague last week, Genevieve Simperingham, she said it best, ‘it takes a while to get to the more vulnerable emotions.’
The more vulnerable emotions.
Sure, it’s easy to say that your child is ‘angry’ or ‘moody’ or whatever, but that is just the first level of an emotion that you’re seeing.
Anger, as we talk about in our Glide Program, is a compound emotion.
What does that mean?
A compound emotion means that there are levels of other emotions stirring underneath that simple expression or outburst of anger. It’s actually taken a while for the emotion of anger to come bubbling to the surface because there are underlying, more vulnerable emotions that eventually call the anger forth.
Here is where the true ‘meat’ of connection lies. Want to find out what’s really going on with your child?
Be available and willing to dive into these moments with an open heart.
So, was I just punched in the back for no reason whatsoever? Probably the mind of a four-year old just ‘being bad’, some may say.
But I had chosen ‘Choice B’ in that moment and as difficult as it was (with a throbbing back), I kept telling myself that there was more here than meets the eye. I became this curious explorer in search of some treasure. I wanted to know the story behind the story – why my sensitive, funny and curious little guy had suddenly turned moody and withdrawn.
Ever since I had picked him up with school, he seemed distant – not really wanting to connect or play like we usually do at that time of day. Then, upon arriving home, he was screaming and lashing out at my friend’s two young children. I knew something was up, but couldn’t really get to the core of it until the punch.
The punch opened up those other vulnerable emotions for him because I chose ‘Choice B’ – I chose to be vulnerable with him in that ‘punch’ moment and express my feelings first.
‘Ow! That really hurt! (pause to catch my breath) Whoa! I’m feeling shocked! I’m so sad. Why did you punch me?’
And then, from the deepest well within my son’ heart, the more vulnerable feelings and details about his day began to emerge. Soon, I learned that his friend had pushed him again at school and that he had done ‘bad things’ back to his friend.
I remembered that this is pre-school but our conversation could have really been taking place with a child of any age.
Because in that moment, I became so aware of the cycles of hurt. The cycles of ‘violence’ that are perpetuated throughout our lives, throughout our generations, and throughout our souls. One hurts another and the other hurts another and so on and so on.
Until the cycle stops.
The question is : how do we break the cycles of pain and hurt? How do we move into a more evolved way of communication?
How do we move beyond the existence of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ and realize that we’re all just people having very real life experiences?
Communication, true communication begins with vulnerability.
Those deeper, vulnerable emotions need to be given a voice and a space to release in a safe manner, free of blame, shame, manipulation, punishment or rewards. Here’s where the stuff underneath the stuff gets to come out and you really get to know yourself and your child.
This is the stuff that made the Velveteen Rabbit real or gave young Santiago the fortitude to go in search of his dream in The Alchemist. This is the stuff that true, authentic, long-lasting relationships are made of.
There is a well of underlying emotions beneath the surface just bubbling, ready to explode. This is the buried treasure within the heart of your child.
Go in search of the buried treasure and you just may find your child waiting there, longing to be discovered.
Getting Into Your Child’s World
As parents, we spend so much of our time living in our fast-paced worlds. Rushing about, we try to get everything done and parent at the same time. Honestly, I never knew just how busy I would be as a parent! Have you ever thought this? 
The amount of time and attention necessary when you become a parent is almost unimaginable until you’re there! It’s a steep learning curve in time management that will cause you to really examine how to make the best use of your time.
How much time do you work?
How much time to you spend doing ‘errands’?
How much time do you ‘play’?
How much time do you spend with your child?
And, for the million-dollar question: how much time do you spend getting into your child’s world?
Yes, your child’s world.
In our crazy-busy fast-paced world, have you taken a moment to truly step into your child’s world?
This past week over Thanksgiving, I had the incredible opportunity to spend five straight days with my son alone, just me and him, while his dad is away working in Thailand.
For a working mom, this was very unusual! Five straight days. I welcomed our time together and yet, at the beginning of our five days, I was feeling a bit anxious. Not because I didn’t have activities planned for he and I (sometimes, the activities involved just hanging out at home..ha!) but my trepidation and anxiousness came from the anticipation of my son getting to know me better. Imagine that.
We spend so much of our time ‘parenting’ our children yet, when we do have some great quality time, how much can you share of YOU with your child? Your child longs to know you – to know what you’re feeling yet, just to feel that vulnerability in sharing your feelings with your child can lead us into uncharted territories we may not be so ready to explore.
For most of us, we’re not used to sharing our feelings with our children. You may see this as ‘weak’ or ‘being his friend’ when you should be ‘being his/her parent’! Yet, the vocabulary of feelings (and needs) that we use and teach in our classes opens up windows into each others’ worlds….windows that may have otherwise remained closed.
The truth is that our worlds – the world that you live in and the world that you’re child lives in – are meant to be shared. Fully and deeply, without shame or apologies.
So, those five days with my son…what did I learn about myself?
I learned that I can open up more and share my world with my son. I learned that I can stop being the ‘Parent’ and just BE with my son, sharing my feelings and unique observations of each moment.
Each moment brought us deeper into this ongoing conversation that began to form a web of connection with funny words, ‘inside jokes’, recurring stories, moments of silence, and a deep abiding trust that we would be there for each other in the next moment.
Together, we were creating our own culture. The culture of our relationship.
And you have that same opportunity with your child. No need to travel to a foreign country. Your relationship with your child IS that other country where your language, play and customs are completely unique to both of you.
I also learned that my son lives in this incredible world. Yet, I only was able to really get a taste of his world by allowing my own world to slow down a bit and just BE with him, I started taking baby steps into his world and Wow! What a different perspective our children actually have!
I learned that my son lives in a world where:
Every moment is a new discovery.
Passion fuels every moment.
Moods are accepted and allowed to just be there. No need to apologize for anything. He is who he is and he feels what he feels.
Connection to others is paramount.
Love is readily accepted and received.
Every moment is miraculous and different from the last moment.
My son’s world really was a wonderful and exciting place to live when I was able to fully step into it and embrace it during our time together. And as I did so, our new ‘culture’, our new way of relating began to emerge. It was much slower, much more understanding, more vulnerable and above all, more loving.
We say it all the time in our classes. ‘Empathy is the act of stepping into your child’s shoes – seeing the world from his/her perspective.’
Now, I’m realizing that empathy really begins with me and you. We can be vulnerable and courageous first to share ourselves and step out of our own worlds and into the world of our children, even if just for a moment.
Letting Go Of Resistance: Finding the Yes Behind the No
As I emerged out of the bathroom last night only to find my son climbing and jumping from my desk, I let out a small shriek of surprise. There were a lot of glass objects right around where he had decided to play Tarzan and just the sight of that jump had my nerves standing on end.
But it was my reaction that really caught my son by surprise. And a big ol’ ’NO!’ slipped out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget my son’s reaction, which will forever be ingrained in my memory.
For after I told him that the desk was dangerous for him to jump off of, he turned to me with the most innocent, big questioning eyes and said, “Do you still love me?”
I had to ask him to repeat the question again because, honestly, I had never heard him ask me that before.
And he repeated, ‘Do you still love me?’
Wow. His words pierced right through to my heart. ’Yes! Of course I still love you!’ I replied grabbing him and hugging him. ’I will always love you!’ In hearing this, his smile beamed from ear to ear. You could feel his fulfillment and pure joy in that moment.
As I wondered more about this ‘No!’ that I was so quick to react with, I was quickly reminded that my reaction/response to my child has nothing to do with my child and everything to do with me! So, I engaged my son with our nonviolent tools of communication and we talked about what just happened, how we were both feeling about my reaction, and any future solutions we could come up with when he felt the urge to climb.
Normally, we have a different practice around here instead of me just saying ‘no!’ when my child does something that I don’t enjoy. Yet, last night, my nervous feelings got the best of me in that particular moment and I reacted with my big ol’ ’No!’
As parents, we’re often so quick to say ‘no’ to our children. After all, we know all the ‘rules’ and it’s our job to enforce them. Right?
Well, ‘no’, maybe not.
Have you noticed that your child may react to your ‘no’ with resistance? And my experience with resistance is that ‘resistance begets resistance.’ So, you may find yourself and your child engaged in some sort of battle of wits with all of the ‘no’s’.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some secret of connection that would head off this downward cycle before it even starts?
Well, guess what? There is.
There is a secret that will instantly connect you with your child and lay the foundation for future cooperation. The secret?
There is a ‘yes’ lurking behind the ‘no’.
Finding the ‘yes’ doesn’t mean that you acquiesce to your every child’s request. Quite the opposite. You are actually holding true to your ‘no’, your limit, yet, at the same time, you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and desires whenever he/she makes a request. Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ lets your child know that his/her feelings do matter, builds your child’s emotional intelligence and does worlds for your child’s self-esteem as well.
So, how does it look?
Let’s say it’s just after dinner, and your child has just thrown his ice cream all over the floor.
Instead of immediately responding with your ‘no’, you can validate your child’s desire for play and how throwing the ice cream makes your child feel. Here’s an example:
“Ice cream is really slimy, huh? It seems like it’s really fun to throw! You have a need to play, huh?
(hint: this is the ‘yes’) but we don’t throw ice cream because…..it makes the floor slippery and somebody may fall (or whatever your reason is…this is the ‘no’, your limit and should be in line with your personal/family values.)
Your child will either be ok with your explanation or he/she may have big feelings around your limit. And here’s where it’s helpful to remember the 3 reasons from my good friend and colleague, Marion Badenoch Rose:
‘When kids do things that we don’t enjoy, it’s because of 3 reasons’:
He/she has an unmet need
A need for information
A need to release painful feelings related to stress or trauma.
You may often experience your child’s tantrums or big feelings as causing some disconnection with you yet, your child is really trying to express something that lies deeper within and could actually cause a deeper connection and understanding between the two of you.
Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ and validating that ‘yes’ first allows for the connection and understanding between you and your child. You can still hold the limit and then use any of our Nonviolent parenting tools to honor your child’s big feelings and maintain the connection between you and your child, even during your child’s biggest emotional ‘storm’.
If you haven’t yet received our free 3-part video series on how to handle tantrums/big feelings using 5 Nonviolent Tools, go here: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/calm-your-child
And have fun with that ice-cream floor! I hear it’s great for skating 
Are You Being The ‘Perfect’ Parent?
It’s human nature to strive and enjoy pleasurable experiences and veer away from the more challenging and uncomfortable times. And, why not?
Pleasure is fun. Happiness is contagious. Truly, it is.
How wonderful to witness the pure joy and unbridled delight in the play of a child. I believe it’s really what we’re meant to be doing here on planet earth – you are really meant to enjoy yourself here, just like your child is meant to enjoy himself/herself. To live, laugh and love to the fullest expression of who you are.
Yet, what happens when things don’t look perfect? When you are being challenged by your child and you don’t feel like the ‘perfect parent’? What happens when you have strong feelings of anger or upset? How can you resolve these?
It’s important to remember these 5 things during those challenging times:
Nobody’s perfect.
Be honest with yourself and what you’re feeling and needing.
Express your feelings and needs in a healthy manner.
Reflect on any lessons that came along with your feelings and needs.
Obstacles are opportunities for change and growth. Sometimes extreme growth brings about even more love and transformation.
There is a continuum of violence that is alive in every moment. We, as parents, are often shocked at the level of anger we have towards our children, and yet, no matter who you are, you exist somewhere on that continuum of violence. On a scale of 1-10, you may find yourself at a ‘1’, being more calm and peaceful with your child, or you may be at a 9 or 10, spanking and screaming at your child any chance you get. You may also find yourself somewhere in the middle. Where are you at right now?
In our classes and throughout the practice of nonviolent parenting, we have a somewhat radical definition of ‘violence’. We see violence as ‘anything that hurts the body, mind or spirit of another living being.’ This includes screaming, spanking and anything that includes any form of blame, shame, punishment, consequence or manipulation.
This definition is definitely challenging for a lot of people and I believe that it really invites all of us to take a closer look and get honest with ourselves about where we exist along that continuum. There is no right or wrong – no good or bad about where you are. You are where you are. Your gift is that you can now become aware and honest with where you’re at. Because if you don’t know where your starting point is, then it’s going to be really difficult to get to where you want to be.
Why is it important for you NOT to judge where you’re at?
When you judge yourself – notice something as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, then you stop the flow of learning and transformation that wants to take place. It’s hard to see the truth of a situation and be able to choose a healthier solution when you become consumed with judgment.
Believe it or not, your child really needs your full presence in the ‘happy’ times as well as the challenging ones. Especially during the challenging times! When you’re not fully expressed as a person and as a parent, then you’re unable to completely offer your child your full presence. A part of your mind is completely wrapped up in judging yourself instead of freeing up mindspace through the practice of forgiveness.
Maybe you just had a moment of disconnection between you and your child. You can forgive, reestablish the connection and move on.
The sacred exists in your whole experience of life with your child. The pleasurable AND the challenging.
Now is your greatest opportunity to forgive, connect, and grow with your child.
Are you ready?
Can You Release Your Expectations? This Moment Is Your Life
So, why would you ever want to release your expectations? Isn’t it your expectations that fuel your quality of life? Isn’t it your expectations of how your child should be acting that is defining your family values.
Maybe. But maybe not.
When you’re stressed about how everything SHOULD look or SHOULD be in a certain moment (hint: all of your expectations) then, guess what?
Your stress could actually be causing more disconnection between you and your child and guiding you further away from whatever you really want to teach/model for your child about communication, cooperation and honesty.
In order to connect with your child, both of you may just really be craving some good ol’ fashioned acceptance.
Acceptance? Yes, acceptance.
Can you really accept your child for everything he is and everything she’s not. Can you fully accept a moment for everything it is and everything it’s not?
In every moment of your life, whether you realize it or not, you are being guided by your unconscious beliefs and brain patterns. Now, you may have formed some very strong beliefs, some conscious and probably some very unconscious, about how you’re ‘supposed to act’ as a parent and how your child is ‘supposed to act’ as a child.
And it’s all of the ‘supposed to’s’ that may just be blocking you truly accepting yourself and truly accepting your child in every moment, now matter how wacky the moment may seem to be.
We are so quick to judge our children sometimes….so quick to want to stop whatever’s going on instead of striving to accept each moment for exactly what it is.
Maybe your child is trying to kick you in this moment. Maybe your child just won’t listen to you in this moment. Maybe you’re disagreeing with your child in this moment. Maybe your child just can’t express herself in this moment and so, she’s sitting very silently. Well, maybe…just maybe, you’re expecting something else to happen.
Maybe you’re expecting your child to BE a different way from how he/she is BEING in this exact moment. And, don’t we do this all the time? Come on, be honest.
How is your child supposed to be acting right now? And, how is a ‘perfect parent’ supposed to be acting right about now?
Our minds are so caught up in these ideals of what’s supposed to be that we are missing out on what is – we are missing out on the present moment. And, guess what?
The present moment is your life. Right now is ‘all right’. No matter what is happening. There really is nowhere else to be and really, there is really nothing else that your child SHOULD be doing than what he/she is doing right now.
Sure, there are places and activities that you want to guide your child into doing – like eating or bathing or sleeping. But, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about all of those times where you’re feeling frustrated or upset because of whatever your child is doing or however your child is being. I’m talking about all of those moments BEFORE you choose to act as a parent where you make a decision that whatever is happening at the current moment is NOT OK.
And that’s where we’re missing out. Here’s where we get swept up in the expectations of the mind (from your present and your past), and you lose all of that yummy connection in the present moment.
You know when my son laughs the hardest? It’s when I’m really being present and laughing or making fun of whatever IS in that moment. Maybe I’ve just knocked over a whole box of opened cereal onto the floor while grabbing for the milk or maybe he’s running around the house naked with one shoe on when we have about one minute to get him out the door to school. Whatever the moment brings, it brings.
Your acceptance, your complete acceptance will bring about your humor.
Your humor will bring you into the present moment.
And the present moment is where your gift lies.
I was once at a backyard barbecue party with Woody Harrelson, his wife and 2-year old daughter. This was many years ago yet, I’ll never forget what happened.
Woody’s 2-year old daughter tripped by accident in the back doorway as she was walking into the house. Immediately, Woody was over there at lightning speed when he heard his daughter cry. But, it was his next choice of response that really captured my heart. What did he do?
After seeing that his daughter was ok and checking in with her, Woody stood up, tripped and fell too, imitating his daughter’s fall. He completely accepted what was happening in that moment.
His acceptance of the moment was fueling his empathy for his daughter.
Then, the funniest thing happened. One by one, other folks at the party tripped and fell next to Woody and his daughter, everyone imitating her fall. Soon, Woody’s daughter (and everyone else) was in a big dog pile on the ground, belly laughing!
And I just thought…how wonderful. Woody completely embraced the moment. He didn’t even need to use any words. Then, everyone joined him in completely embracing the moment.
Well, guess what? You’re no different than Woody. You too have a choice about how to respond in any given moment with your child. You really do. You have a choice.
Your moment is now. Your child may be doing the ‘WRONG’ thing right now. What is it going to take from you to completely accept yourself, release your expectations, and completely accept your child in this moment?
Because this moment is your life.
Where Is That Space of Stillness Between You and Your Child?
I remember hearing this once, ‘If you want your child to listen, stop talking so much.’
This week, by default of losing my voice and getting sick, I wasn’t really trying to get my son to listen specifically, but I definitely had to stop talking so much. The results?
My son naturally cooperated with me even more. We became like a team flowing together through each new activity – each part of our day. I didn’t know this would happen but my bout of silence has really offered me the opportunity to quiet my mind and listen more.
Cooperation is great when it happens, huh? At any age, it seems. There is nothing like it when your child flows with you. Yet, more than any cooperative moment are the deep levels of connection that lie beneath the cooperation.
The problem often is not that your child won’t cooperate with you or won’t listen to you. Make no mistake. Barring any physical hearing disorder, your child IS listening to you. The question really remains then, ‘Are you connecting with your child to have them even WANT to listen to you?’ Because CONNECTING is where it’s at. Don’t try to change your child’s behavior. Instead, strive to connect and the rest will work itself out.
For, you and your child share a space of cooperation naturally. It’s in the unspoken space between the two of you. The space where no words are necessary. It’s in that sideways glance. It’s in the smile that you share. It’s in the look of caring and concern on your face when your child is crying.
The unspoken space you share is the space of love – where all is understood.
That’s all great, you may be thinking, but ‘how do I access this space of cooperation right now? ‘
The answer: Listen more. Become a master of listening.
Listening opens up doors that would otherwise be closed. Listening gives way to that unspoken language that is always available to you as a parent.
Listening means using your body language, your eyes, and above all, your intention.
If you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again, trying to get your child to do something (or not do something), this is probably a good indicator that you’re talking too much. Your child has heard you. It may be time to just be quiet. Time to listen.
There is so much we can be aware of in the stillness. Within that quiet space between you and your child lies an entire universe of discovery longing to emerge.
Can you hear it? The silence is burgeoning, bringing you into a deeper connection with your child. But, you gotta get quiet….get really quiet and listen.
It may just be that words are not the thing we most need to share right now.
-
The 5 Secrets For Turning Frustration and Overwhelm Into Patience and Presence Right Now -
-
Connect With Me!
