Is Time Travel Possible?
Huh? You’re probably scratching your head and wondering, ‘I thought she writes about parenting, NOT science fiction! ‘ Well, I do. And today, we’re going to go on a different kind of a ride.
Because, quite frankly, I’m really just now discovering what it is that you are truly doing as a parent. And what you REALLY do, is you time travel, every moment of every day.
No, it’s not with big elaborate machines or huddled together in a psychic’s’ roadside tent around some mysterious crystal ball.
You time travel simply by communicating (or not communicating ) with your child.
Because all of your messages, be them verbal or non-verbal, are being recorded by your child and guess where they will eventually end up?
Yes, you guessed it….. in the future.
When your child is all grown up and maybe a parent of his/her own, all of your messages. be them big or small, of seemingly paramount importance or seemingly insignificant (like how you dealt with bathtime) will emerge in the mind and possibly, behavior of your child.
The human mind is incredibly savvy in the way that it stores information. It’s been studied that the human unconscious mind accounts for over 90% of a person’s behavior. Actually, it about 95%!!
And, says Malcolm Gladwell in his highly celebrated bestseller, Blink, ‘”There is nothing that you do, there is no thought that you have, there is no awareness, there is no lack of awareness, there is nothing that marks your daily existence that doesn’t have a neural code (in the brain). The greatest challenge for us is to figure out how to design the study that will reveal these codes.’
That means that whatever unconscious messages that are stored within the ‘neural codes’ of your brain you most probably acquired in childhood and usually , from my experience in working with parents, you acquired between the ages of 0-7.
So, what does this all mean?
It means that you are sending messages , both consciously and unconsciously, to your child in every moment of every day.
Now, I don’t tell you this to freak you out in any way or to make you become hyper-conscious of your every action, thought or word.
I am sharing this with you because I am super excited about ALL of the time travel that you’re able to do in this very moment!
Think about it. You have this incredible opportunity – we all do as parents- to create World Peace for future generations simply by how you treat your child.
Your essence – your words and thoughts and ideas and actions – are being stored in your child’s mind to be unpacked later in some undisclosed, tangible place in the future. Maybe it will be 20 years from now. Or maybe 45 years from now. Or maybe your child will teach his child something that you said or did and THAT child will carry this pattern of behavior forward to HER family 100 years from now.
Who’s to say when and where your time ‘machine’ will land. The only thing that we can be certain of is that it WILL land.
So, if we know that our TIME machine will indeed land, then why not build the most rockin’ and amazing time machine the world has ever seen?
Let’s stretch our minds to build the walls….by forgiving those we need to forgive from our past.
Let’s stretch our arms to build the control panel…by being gentle with ourselves and our bodies….using our arms for hugging instead of spanking.
Let’s stretch our laughter to build the radio system….by letting go of life’s seriousness and embracing everything as one grand journey.
Let’s stretch our words to build the communication system….by becoming conscious of what flows from our lips.
And finally, let’s stretch our love….by embracing each moment with your child as if it were your last.
So that maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to a future where the only neural codes that our children’s children’s brains will have will be ones of peace, connection and profound, awe-inspiring cooperation.
Is Silence Really All That Golden?
I can’t help but think about the death of Whitney Houston these past few days since her passing and wonder what she was really needing in those last moments.
I work with so many parents helping them to let go of the way they were parented and I have been noticing a common theme happening time and time again. You know how ‘they’ say that once you notice something, you start to notice it everywhere?
Well, this is how I’m beginning to feel about this common theme.
So, what’s the theme?
In a word (or maybe a few): the lack of empathy.
We haven’t truly received the empathy that we really needed in childhood (and even today) and we are still carrying this really huge need to just be heard….just to be listened to….without judgment.
And I don’t mean ‘listened to’ for a moment. I mean ‘listened to’ for a good long while, until our feeling (s) are fully unpacked and allowed to have a voice.
Sometimes, this means that there are feelings underneath feelings and all of these feelings just need a place to be ‘aired out’ and expressed in a neutral, non-judgmental space.
This can be quite scary for the listener because we, as a culture, are not always used to just hearing another person’s feelings out, without trying to fix them or make them ‘feel better’ or judge them.
Empathy, when fully offered with a loving heart, is one of the greatest gifts on the planet.
The gift of being heard. And believe it or not, it’s not a very easy gift to give or receive.
For many of us as parents, we tend to get louder when our children are not doing what we’d like them to do. It’s as if you just raised your voice , then you will be heard.
I believe that we are trying to compensate for a feeling that’s arising out of the deep need to just be heard.
And empathy is quite the opposite.
The voice of empathy is often quiet. It’s the voice of listening. Of offering space to just be. It’s the voice that hardly whispers and just listens without judgment, without trying to fix something, without offering advice, and without trying to be heard.
Empathy begins when you listen.
Your child has an immense need to be heard. How do I know this?
Because I work with tons of children who are now grown (you as parents) and the one thing that has profoundly affected every parent’s life is the feeling that he/she was not fully heard as a child.
It kinda makes you wonder.
With all of us running around as parents with this deep need that wasn’t fulfilled during childhood, how do you think we’re going to react when our child really needs to just be heard?
The answer: Many different ways.
Subconsciously, you may get very triggered by your child’s crying or endless demands because you are being reminded on a very deep level that your own need to be heard was never met.
Or maybe your parent or caregiver tried to meet your own need to be heard and missed the mark.
Giving and receiving empathy is an art. We are all painting a very beautiful, very timeless canvas any time we fully allow another person (your child) to just be.
Without judgment. Without trying to change anything about that moment.
The magic of the moment unfolds as your child (or anyone else who receives empathy) feels accepted.
Fully accepted for everything that he/she is and everything he/she is not in that moment.
The overarching belief that ‘all is ok’ seeps into the fabric of your conversation without you needing to say a word.
Just by creating the space for another to be heard, fully heard…..for another to cry, to rage, to be angry or frustrated or express one of the myriad of emotions we all feel in a day….you are rewriting the history of that person’s life.
You are giving him/her another chance.
Maybe it’s time to just get very quiet.
Maybe it’s time to let go of the way you were parented and welcome acceptance.
Maybe it’s time to simply be in this moment with your child no matter what emotion is present.
And just listen.
Your child is trying to tell you something.
Ready to Rock and Roll with Me?
Someone who knows me well told me recently that I can get inspiration from anywhere. It’s so true. I’m one of those people who’d be happy looking at a tree in the forest all day. This morning, my latest inspiration came from a small rock in my shoe.
Yes, one small rock.
I tried so hard to ignore this one small rock because I desperately wanted to continue my morning exercise.
Finally , I leaned down to take it out of my shoe and that was when it hit me. This realization.
Actually, the realization came in two parts.
The first part went something like this:
A child’s feelings can be something like that small rock in my shoe. It’s there, it’s solid, it’s real and yet, I’m wanting it to go away at first without actually paying much attention to it. Why won’t it just leave so I can continue on my walk?
Think you’re getting the picture here. Sometimes, our children’s feelings are just like this rock. The feelings that your child has are very real, very ‘solid’ from your child’s perspective. From your perspective as the parent, your child’s big feelings that have him/her crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, slamming doors are all things that you may just want to ‘go away’ so you can get on with whatever it is that you’re doing. To move through life ‘as planned.’
Yet, it’s these big emotional moments that really wake us up to having the deepest connection with our children. When you can focus your undivided attention on holding the space for your child to move through a big feeling, then something miraculous happens. You get a quality of connection with your child that enriches everything that you’re doing from that point forward.
When you pay attention to your child’s feelings and needs, you are taking that rock out of your shoe.
Now, for the second part of my realization that really rocked me to my core.
I realized in that small moment of feeling pestered by this small rock in my shoe just how significant things that are really not that significant can seem at times. Your world really revolves around your perspective.
For a moment, my perspective was altered (pain, instead of a pleasurable morning walk) and I drew my attention away from my larger intention of why I was even on that walk in the first place! (to reflect on some areas in our new Parent Coach Training program….my favorite thing being to walk and brainstorm.)
It was then that I realized just how quickly and significantly a perspective can shift.
And, isn’t it the same in our parenting?
You may be feeling calm and satisfied during your day and then your child does one thing that really sets you off and there shifts your whole perspective.
So, how do you retain your perspective while allowing for you and your child to go through the veritable plethora of emotions you may find yourselves experiencing daily?
In order to answer this, I need to take you to my son’s preschool and something that touched me deeply last week while I spent some time there.
We were all gathered around in a reading circle after nap time ( I was visiting) and the new teacher was trying to read a book to all of the kids, ages 3-5. Many of the kids began fidgeting and needed to move their bodies, given that they had just been sleeping for a while. As I watched my son and his friends fidget, play, laugh and intermittently wrestle each other, I was amazed at the new teacher’s response.
She calmly connected with each one of them and had these very fun, engaging conversations about what they were doing. What amazed me was her demeanor. The fact that nobody was really listening to the book and wanted to do something else wasn’t bugging her at all. She used the moment to really connect with all of them. I felt as if there was something magical taking place in those moments.
Later that afternoon at the school holiday party, I talked with the new teacher and acknowledged her for how great she was at connecting with the children. She just smiled and knowingly said, ‘Yes, I’ve been used to working with special needs kids before I came here. If one of those kids could just sit up while you were reading, it was a huge accomplishment. It just shifted my perspective to what’s really important.’
‘Wow’, was all I thought.
It was one of those moments that stopped time for me and I realized that this has got to be one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves as parents:
‘What is really important here?’
You can anchor yourself in your intention for yourself and your child.
You can anchor yourself in the quality of connection that you’d like for you and your child to have.
You can anchor yourself in the knowingness that all is ok.
You can anchor yourself in a greater perspective that answers that question for you of what’s really important.
And when you can find your anchor within your greater perspective, then the rocks seem to dissipate and life truly seems to roll.
Can You Really Fumble Towards Ecstasy?
I didn’t really know what to expect. Sure, I had danced before. I had been dancing ever since I can remember. I had even sold everything when I graduated college to go dance and drum in the villages in West Africa. ( as little-known fact about me J )
Dancing has been my one of my greatest stress-relieving and happiness-inducing practices throughout my life and you’ll often find me and my son turning up the tunes and dancing around our living room. But, today was different. Today, I had been invited to dance around a big dance studio with many other adults in a sort of free-form way. The event was called, ‘Fumbling Towards Ecstasy’ and I really didn’t know what to expect.
The room was huge and completely filled with bodies already in motion. Moving all sorts of ways. There wasn’t a teacher. Just this beautiful, rhythmic music that filled the air, candles glowing on an altar, and bodies twisting and contorting around in that big, vast space.
We were told to breathe and ‘focus on the inner realm of your body while you are here’, ‘be curious about how movement arises’, and to ‘treat yourself and everyone around you with respect and tenderness.’
Hmmm, I was very curious at this point.
As I entered the room, I felt intimated.
What shall I do first? Where do I start? Can I really go anywhere I want in this room?
What about the others? Are we all dancing together? How do you do this thing?
A rush of questions flooded my mind and I flashed on how a child must feel with every new experience that they enter. Their curiousity and wonder. Or maybe fear or intimidation.
So, I decided to let all of my questions go for the moment and with the mind of a child, I took the plunge.
I became acutely aware of my breath and what was happening inside of my body and I decided that I would just move from there.
It was strange at first. I felt like people were watching me and that I had to move a certain way. Then, I slowly realized that nobody was watching (they were all focused on their own inner worlds and movement), and I could really just feel my breath freely and move from there.
And, guess what?
It worked.
My feelings of intimidation soon dissipated as I realized that ‘all was ok!’ I could move about however I liked. However my body dictated me to move. All felt safe. If I felt like resting, I would rest on the floor and breathe. Then stretch out like a cat or stand up and flow my arms like a waterfall. Spin my head or keep it steady, kick my legs, tiptoe, or leap across the room. All was ok.
Huge sigh of relief.
This all felt so different.
The experience fascinated me as I continued to move in this space that was so incredibly different than my perception of the ‘outside world’.
We live with so many rules and regulations. Our lives often become about routine and schedule as parents that there is little time to just explore this miracle that we call life. Little time to explore our breath and how funny and unique we all are. How we can move differently through this world. And just how many variations of movement there actually are.
Then somewhere in those short moments, amongst all of these other wonderful people exploring what their bodies were dancing, a song came on called ‘It’s OK’ and it touched me so deeply.
Here it is, the song by David Bailey with photographs by Amy Doerring:
(when I found this version on Youtube, it brought tears to my eyes and I reached out to Amy, who is an incredible photographer in Iowa and was a dear friend of David Bailey’s. As a sidenote, Amy so openly shared her stories about David and how his life, friendship and struggle with cancer touched her life and work….’It’s OK’ and other songs of David’s live on!)
So, here we are dancing to ‘It’s OK’ and I’m feeling complete and utter permission to have whatever experience is happening in the moment.
And I finally got a glimpse into the mind of a child. Brand new and on the brink of all this exploration. What it must be like to have a body for the first time and be able to move it in any direction, any way you choose. What an incredible miracle a child is stepping into– his/her own unique expression of life.
Now, how do we nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves?
I found myself exploring this question as I continued to move.
I was aware that others were moving too and as I turned within even more, I was able to free up all of those ideas about how I should be, how I should act, how I should move so that I could just BE and MOVE with the mind of a child once again.
That’s when it struck me what I was doing.
I was completely accepting myself.
Dancing, sweating, moving in that space with everyone else who was exploring their own movements, their own space in their own divine way, acceptance was present.
Acceptance is when you can give yourself permission to just BE with everything that is and everything that’s not in that moment.
So, there we all were, just like in life, all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion with a bunch of others who were all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion.
Allowing myself complete permission to just be however I was being, not worrying how these movements may look to the ‘outside world.’ Maybe they look completely ridiculous and that’s ok because they are coming from a place deep within me that is genuine.
There wasn’t an answer in that moment as to how to BE.
There wasn’t any parent or teacher or culture or society telling you that you can’t do this or that. Or that you must do this or that.
There was only this safe space to express whatever your body needed to express.
There was only that genuine, authentic part of you within that longs to emerge and express itself.
It was in that moment, that divine moment that I found that we can all allow ourselves acceptance of all that which makes us unique. As parents. As people.
It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
And then, I realized in that moment, dancing sweating, moving with complete permission that this was the very heart of ACCEPTANCE.
I was finally and completely accepting myself in those moments for everything I am and everything I’m not. I was finding my own movement through the world, just like I watch my child do every single day.
And the answer to my first question flowed through my body and mind:
We can nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves by first accepting ourselves.
Accepting yourself as a parent right now for everything that you are in this moment and everything you’re not.
With acceptance as the starting point, you can begin to allow for that unique expression of your child to emerge.
Acceptance is the doorway in.
The music grew to fill the room with these ecstatic beats. I found myself jumping, completely allowing my body to move however it needed to move in that moment.
And David Bailey’s words echoed throughout the room:
‘It’s OK to hold on, It’s OK to let go, It’s OK to admit there are some things you’ll never know.’
These flashes flooded my mind and body about how acceptance really feels. And, you know what?
It feels really delicious.
What if you could offer yourself as a parent this kind of acceptance and know that you are just finding your own way through this incredibly big, incredibly challenging, incredibly beautiful experience that we call ‘parenting.’
Holding on.
Letting go.
Playing.
Guiding.
Loving.
Being.
Accepting…
As we all stumble just a little bit closer towards ecstasy.
What’s Really Running Through Your Child’s Mind?
A few days ago, my son really, really wanted to win. We were playing a game and he had set himself up to win. Completely put all of 
his energy into winning. Ever feel this way? This desire to win permeated his every move. So, when it didn’t look like he was going to win after all, the feeling started to rise within him. With his face twisted and arms banging on the floor….’It’s just not fair!’ His frustration continued to rise. The seeds of disappointment taking root.
These were very big feelings in the heart of a five year old as they often emerge the same way for an adult, though we, as adults, don’t always physically show that we’re feeling something.
Yet, the most interesting thing happened during all of these big feelings. Something that opened up a window for me into my son’s world, and a window into the human experience.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my son started saying aloud, ‘I’m so stupid!’ ‘I’m so stupid!” ‘I’m so stupid!”
And I was able in that moment to peek through the window into my son’s mind and hear what he’s been telling himself. Herein lies the seed that gets planted and takes root in the mind. It’s not as important at this point to determine from whence such a thought came as it is to notice that this thought is indeed there and that it is LOOPING.
I stopped , a bit stunned by this thought that he so emphatically wanted to believe about himself. It wasn’t that it was such an unfamiliar thought because I think that a lot of us as adults, as parents, have this same thought somewhere underneath from time to time.
What struck me this particular morning were two things:
The way he was emphatically stating it over and over again. It was as if I was hearing his brain working exactly the way it probably does when he’s alone in his quiet moments.
A thought that is thought over and over again forms a pattern –a neural pathway in the brain – a roadpost for the mind to return to again and again.
I felt as if I was hearing one of his neural pathways being formed. (or maybe it was already there and he was just choosing to go down it again!)
And
We are so quick oftentimes to stick with the ‘negative’ or unsupportive ‘ thoughts like ‘I’m so stupid’, allowing them to run loops over and over in our minds. We don’t allow ourselves to ‘run away’ from these unsupportive thoughts.
And, here was the window into the human experience.
What I notice is that the mind has this tendency to stick so emphatically to an unsupportive thought and not ‘run away’ from that thought (as if it were the truth) .
Yet, the mind will easily ‘run away’ from the thoughts that have the potential to bring us to the higher road, the thoughts that are extremely loving and supportive…thoughts just seem too good to be true to be thinking over and over again!
What will it take for us to validate and embrace those supportive and nurturing thoughts within ourselves and our children?
You are loved
You are worthy.
You are safe
You are heard, no matter what you have to say or cry out.
What if these were the thought loops rolling over and over in your child’s brain every day?
I am loved
I am worthy
I am safe
I am heard, no matter what I have to say or cry out.
Would things be different?
Yesterday, I received a note from the teenage daughter of one of my dearest clients. I have been coaching her mom for about a year now and her mom naturally passes along specific peaceful parenting and life enhancement tools that I share to her teenage daughters.
Reading the note now, I felt like I had reached out across time and touched the future. I could hear my words of encouragement flowing out of this young teenage girl whom I had never met in person. I read on about how this teenage girl was facing her fears and not running away from her strongest emotions that could lead to more ‘negative’, unsupportive thoughts, like ‘I’m stupid.’ Instead, she was choosing to accept herself and embrace more nurturing and loving thoughts as a teenager. She was choosing to accept herself even though high school seemed really hard for her.
And so, her mind followed in that positive, uplifting stream of thought.
So, my question to you is:
What kind of thought loops do we REALLY want to pass along to our children right now?
How are our children receiving the deeper messages about themselves that we’re sending as parents through our actions?
Connection is a choice that will send the mind thinking positive, loving thoughts. Sometimes, connection doesn’t come about so easily. Actually, the deepest connection often happens in the moments that are the most challenging.
Yet, this is where trust and safety are formed. This is where kids get to feel safe to even embrace a new thought loop. This is where we can allow our kids to ‘run away’ from the more unsupportive thoughts that may be looping through their minds and run TOWARDS the more supportive, loving and nurturing thoughts.
So, let’s do something radical.
Let’s teach our kids to run towards the positive, nurturing thoughts.
Let’s build a garden of peace one mind at a time.
Something that stretches out and touches the future.
How will peace happen? With you.
Because your time is now.
And somewhere, out on the edge of time, your child’s garden is waiting.
What Do You and Brad Pitt Have in Common?
Curious, aren’t you?
The power of your instincts, as Brad Pitt shared this past week, can play a big part in your parenting.
I know in my heart of hearts that we have the ability to affect a huge amount of growth and understanding in our children. And a lot of that growth and understanding may be the product of your parental instincts at work yet, some of it may not.
So, here’s my hot question of the week :
How are your thoughts affecting your parenting? Are you aware that this is even happening?
For most of us, parenting happens extremely quickly and is somewhat instinctual. You may find yourself working everything out ‘in the moment’ or as Brad Pitt so eloquently put it this week in his latest interview in Parade magazine about parenting six children with Angelina, ‘”I was surprised at how automatic it is, how much of it is instinctual. And now I have a great confidence and trust in those instincts.”
Yet, what happens when your instincts aren’t kicking in? Or you’re tired? Or you’re not getting the results with your kids that you’ve been expecting? What then?
Yet, to follow the trail of your instincts, I believe we must begin with some yummy neuroscience.
(I have to admit that I’m a bit of a neuroscience and quantum physics geek. I’m just fascinated with the way the mind-body works and what makes us tick…especially when we’re parenting.)
As powerful as our instincts are, our thoughts may just be THAT much stronger when it comes to stressful moments.
We talk a lot in our classes about dealing with the stressful emotions that arise during parenting, yet what about the thoughts that you’re thinking that may be bringing about some of those stressful moments?
Thoughts like, ‘My kid will never go to sleep now,’ or ‘he’ll never finish his dinner….he hasn’t before, so why now?’ or ‘I’ll never get these kids to stop fighting,’ or maybe just….’I can’t do this!’
The pervasiveness of thoughts during a stressful emotional moment can be very telling about what’s actually going on in your mind. And, what’s going on in your mind could actually be left over from the past or, more importantly, be producing a certain emotional response in your body that is sending out certain chemicals throughout your brain and body that are actually causing more stress. The stress cycle has begun.
So, how can we break the cycles?
The answer: Become aware of your thoughts.
The super-duper answer: Become aware of any thoughts that are not truly supportive of you or your child. (or anyone else with whom you’re interacting)
Sounds simple but it takes some practice to be able to stop in the moment when things become emotionally charged for you or your child and recognize what your thoughts actually are.
Yet, it’s in this moment, this precious moment, where new brain patterns can be formed and here’s where it all gets very fascinating.
Watch out…my neuroscience geekiness is about to kick in!
In a recent interview from the movie, ‘What The Bleep Do We Know’, Dr. Joe Dispenza describes what happens in our brains when we think a different thought….when we choose to think a new thought:
‘We also know that nerve cells that don’t fire together no longer wire together. They lose their long-term relationship. Because every time we interrupt a thought process that produces a chemical response in the body…every time we interrupt it, those nerve cells that are connected to each other start breaking a long-term relationship. When we start interrupting and observing , not by stimulus & response and that automatic reaction, but by observing the effects it takes, then we are NO LONGER the body-mind-conscious-emotional person that’s responding to it’s environment as if it’s automatic.’
I was jumping out of my seat when I heard this because this is exactly what we’ve been teaching in our classes! To be able to stop yourself in that precious moment when it all feels like it’s falling apart. When you’re about to explode. When your child is really pushing your buttons. When you’re about to lose your cool.
What if you were to just stop in that moment?
What if you would just stop, ‘interrupt and observe’ your thought(s)?
By becoming the observer, you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts. And when you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts, then you can now experience having choice. The freedom to choose which thoughts you really want to be thinking here. If we can stop or ‘interrupt’ these cycles of automatic responses or thoughts that are no longer supportive of yourself or your relationships (or your parenting for that matter), then you can now choose which thoughts would truly serve each situation.
It’s a mastery… a mastery of the mind.
And when you can master your mind, you may just find that you don’t need to respond to ‘your environment as if it’s automatic.’
In short, you may just be re-wiring your brain towards love and support.
So, Brad Pitt, there’s nothing wrong with intuition as we parent. I believe we need to look a bit deeper here though at whether or not that intuition is truly serving ourselves and our children.
For locked deep within some of your intuitive impulses may lie the source of disconnection, disharmony or separation.
Unlock the door to your thoughts and you have now opened up your mind to what’s truly possible.
Next week: The Power of Your Child’s Thoughts
Have You Been Buzzing Like This Lately?
She started off by telling me everything wrong with her child, as so many of us do. 
Everything that her child wasn’t. Everything that her child wasn’t doing right. Everything that she secretly wished were different. We talked on and on. Her voice on the other end of the phone, growing quieter, as if she was suddenly whispering some ancient mysterious puzzle that I would all of a sudden be able to solve.
Then, finally, she stopped.
And all I could hear was this buzzing in the air. This distinct buzzing of messages passed down. Do this. Be this. Don’t do that. How could you do that? All of the messages that she must have received as a child buzzed around in the whisper of her deepest, darkest secrets that she was now holding about her child.
I suddenly became acutely aware of the power of all that buzz. All of those messages buzzing around, re-circulating themselves, becoming alive once again, pushing her child further and further away from her.
Sure, we all want our children to be kind, well-behaved, smart, affectionate, gentle, loving and…..(……) Yet, what happens when they’re not? What happens when your child doesn’t show up the way you’d like him/her to? What kind of thoughts race through your head?
You may be thinking, ‘He’s rude,’ ‘he’s obnoxious,’ ‘he’s awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’ ’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.
You are beginning the buzz or maybe you’re continuing the buzz from an earlier generational buzz that was created for you as a child.
‘You’re rude.’ ‘You’re inconsiderate.’ ‘You’re disorganized.’ ‘You’re not a good listener.’ ‘You’re selfish.’ ‘You’re rude,’ ‘obnoxious,’ ‘awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.’
The buzz that we hear about ourselves is often the buzz that we begin to hear about our children.
So, what IS all of this buzz anyway?
It’s the buzz of judgment. Places where you may have felt judged as a child. Places where you may have felt misunderstood. Places where you felt like you were being placed within a box and labeled, maybe without you even knowing it.
So, now, we are continuing the buzz with our own children.
We relegate our minds, thought by thought, into a place of judgment because we’ve felt judged in some way in the past.
Yet, the buzz doesn’t end there.
We enter into collective agreements based on judgment.
We share the buzz with others. We worry about the buzz. We obsess about the imagined implications that this kind of buzz holds.
If my child is rude, for example, then that means that he will be (fill in the blank.)
Secrets begin to buzz. Opinions are formed. You invite others to buy into the buzz.
You essentially set your mind on a very fixed place with all of this buzz…a place that creates the walls around where your child will now live.
For with every recurring ‘buzzing’ thought that you may hold, you are creating a very distinct listening of your child and you are inviting your child to show up the exact way that you’re thinking about them.
Your child will actually become the buzz, right before your very eyes.
So, you’re child throws something in your face or screams at you or runs out of the house without his clothes on (if you’re in the mighty toddler years).
Now, you may be thinking, ‘He’s rude,’ ‘obnoxious,’ ‘awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.
And, guess what? He is and will continue to be.
As long as you’re holding and continue to hold this thought about him. As long as you continue to buzz.
Crazy as it may sound but the way that another person shows up in your world, including your child, depends largely upon the listening that you have of that person.
All of our thoughts create this intricate web of listening for another and the other can only live within the listening that you have created.
Your child lives within the listening that you have of her.
Suddenly, she was quiet again on the other end of the phone.
Yet, this time she wasn’t whispering any more buzz about her child for we had named the buzz. We had called it out into the open.
She suddenly realized that all of this buzz had continued to propagate all of these unsupportive feelings and thoughts about her child.
This time she realized that the love that she had for her daughter well surpassed the power of all that buzz.
So, in a moment, one beautiful moment, she dropped all that buzz and was left with one remaining thought.
The thought?
‘There’s my lovely daughter.’
And suddenly, her daughter in that very moment, became lovely.
(Epilogue: Over the next week, her bond deepened with her daughter as she found herself having new thoughts about her daughter no matter what her daughter did. She began to accept all of her daughter as lovely. )
The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Are You Changing Yourself For Someone Else?
Completely blown away by today’s realization. Always knew it was there but today, it really came alive in the most eye-opening, powerful way.
So, what was it?
As one of my healers asked me today about what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of shifting myself to accommodate another…not really stepping into who I really am and speaking from my heart about what I feel in any given moment. And, by not doing this, I realized just how much I’m missing out on the depth of what’s possible for connection with another and the magic that can happen within a communication – an exchange.
Crazy, huh?
I teach and coach and speak all day about feelings and being in touch with our feelings. Yet, when it came time today for me to get real about my feelings, I noticed my ability to adjust my feelings to suit a particular environment or circumstance. And, I noticed that the adjustment is made almost instantaneously. So, I may be honestly feeling one thing, but because I am either not feeling comfortable in sharing that feeling or don’t think that it’s appropriate in this circumstance, I will quickly shift, cover up the original feeling and adopt a new feeling that suits the situation.
Do you ever find yourself doing this?
What I’m talking about here is very subtle and yet, I believe that it’s at the core now of why so many of us can’t really feel our feelings.
We’re more concerned about what another person may be thinking or how another will receive you.
I say it’s time to get real. To really be in touch with our hearts and say the thing that’s true. Really true. Your true feeling. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say. Even if you think that it may hurt another.
Feelings can never be in conflict. When they are true and honest and spoken from your heart.
Being able to feel a feeling is one thing. Giving a name to your feeling is another. But, then, being aware of your ‘cover-up’ or ‘hiding’ of your original feeling is completely another thing.
So, are you covering up?
Or, even a better question…
Are you shifting your feelings to accommodate somebody else? Just notice next time.
What I’m noticing in all of this is that the more you can authentically share your heart , then the more you are teaching your child to do the same.
It’s time.
We cannot go around anymore without sharing who we truly are, what we truly feel…what’s really there in the core of your heart. As a parent. As a person.
I believe that this is what our children are calling for now.
To be able to speak your feelings from your heart.
So…..what are you feeling?
Are You Ready to Be Authentic?
We all slip up as parents and I’m certainly no exception. Parenting is not about being perfect. Parenting is about being real and 
connecting.
A hot topic this week is anger. We’re talking about anger in a lot of my one-on-one sessions with clients. Unpacking this powerful emotion to take a peek at what may lay just beneath the surface.
It’s truly a tricky emotion because it’s just so charged and every parent seems to hold some kind of secret about their anger and how it’s getting expressed or not expressed.
We all learned different ways of dealing with anger growing up. Maybe your family was super loud and raged, expressing their anger full out. Or maybe members of your family growing up just shoved anger down, not willing to express it….thinking that it was some wrong or inappropriate emotion. And you, being the open, willing and receptive sponge you were during this time as a child, especially during the ages of 0-7 drank it all up. You were watching your parent(s) or caregiver for their cues on dealing with anger, then you filed away their reactions for a later date when you would now become a parent.
As it turns out, anger is really a compound emotion, meaning that it is made up of lots of other emotions. Take a look beneath anger and you’ll most likely witness a deep well of sadness just waiting to come pouring forth.
There’s definitely a cycle to the creation of anger. The cycle goes something like this:
First, you don’t get a core need met. Then, you have a big feeling well up inside of you. And you’re trying to parent during this moment and let’s just say that this feeling doesn’t really get expressed in a safe and appropriate way. Maybe you shove it down. Maybe you’re withdrawn. Embarrassed to be experiencing a certain feeling in front of your child. And so, that feeling stays within you. Now, when you have another need that’s not met (maybe it’s just the same one need that’s not getting met) and you don’t recognize and verbally express this need to another, then you’re becoming a hotbed for the eventual eruption of anger. We just don’t know how or when your anger will finally erupt.
One thing’s for sure. Most parents are shocked at the level and intensity of their anger, when it finally rears it’s head. And, really, that’s why we teach and use the tools of nonviolent, authentic parenting whenever possible so that you’re able to relieve any big, uncomfortable feelings that have been pent up inside before they erupt and become anger towards yourself, your child or directed towards other loved ones in your life.
Even though I use the tools that we teach every day with my son, I was so shocked when my anger emerged this past week from a deep place within me – a place that I didn’t know existed up until now.
It was such a simple scenario that I got angry about with my son that it’s almost laughable now for me to recall it. We were at an indoor play place and all of us had just had a great night dancing and chasing each other around. It was getting late and I realized that I began to feel anxious about trying to get my son to leave and to sleep for the night. It always seems like the later it gets, the more he wants to explore. This night was no exception.
He was just being his curious self, wanting to explore the paintings on the walls as I tried desperately to get him to put his pants on so that we could leave. The moment somehow completely consumed me and I didn’t even notice that small pit of anger building in my stomach as he repeatedly ignored me time and time again.
Finally, out of what seemed like nowhere, I raised my voice, ‘Get your pants on now!’
He had never heard that tone from me and I’ll never forget his expression of complete and utter shock. Seems to be burned into my memory.
I realized in that moment what I was doing and immediately began the process of ‘repairing the rupture,’ a deep and restorative process that you can use at anytime with your child to heal your relationship, bring back connection and develop emotional intelligence.
Because it wasn’t about his pants. It’s not about the scenarios that we find ourselves in with our children. It’s almost always about ourselves and our reactions. 99.9% of the time, your reaction to your child is about some feeling or unconscious belief pattern that you are experiencing intensely in the moment. And, sometimes, we need these kinds of moments to bring us into full awareness of our feelings and the full impact that our strong reactions have on our children.
I immediately realized that I had temporarily broken the connection with my son when my anger erupted that night and I became painfully aware of my humanity. That I wasn’t perfect. No matter how many times I teach and practice these tools, there are moments that act as a huge wake up call and this was certainly one of them!
So, repairing the rupture. What is it?
It’s all about re-connecting with your child. It’s about re-establishing the trust and security to be able to authentically talk about your feelings and your child’s feelings around what just happened.
Question is: Are you ready to be authentic?
‘I was feeling really frustrated because it seemed like you weren’t listening to me so I screamed. I imagine that must’ve been scary and shocking for you. Was it?’ Conversation is open now.
Yes,’ he replies, sensing my sincerity. The compassion has begun to flow once again ever so slowly back into our relationship.
‘I didn’t like when you said that to me,’ he offers.
‘Yes, I so understand. I wouldn’t have liked to hear that either in that way,’ I’m getting into his world and trying to imagine what that must’ve been like for him.
‘I’m feeling hurt in my heart, ‘ he continues.
‘Yes,’ I offer, ‘I understand’. And continue asking him questions about his heart.
Until we come to a place where he relaxes and is ready to once again receive the empathy that I’m now offering him.
When all has calmed down, I’m experiencing the urge to come to some sort of plan.
‘I’m willing to do something differently next time,’ I look him directly in his eyes. ‘ I’m willing to take a moment and breathe the next time I’m feeling that kind of stress so that I don’t yell.’
He seems to understand and offers up a hug. ‘Ok,’ he says and nuzzles into my chest as I hug him tight.
What I’m realizing now is that it takes a huge well of patience, compassion and the willingness to ‘repair the rupture’ when anger is present. Yet, it’s truly the core of what needs to happen between you and your child if you are to restore that deep connection, sense of trust and security between the two of you.
‘Repairing the rupture’ isn’t about fixing the situation. It’s about being real with your emotions and authentically willing to hear about your child’s emotions, without you trying to fix them or make them any better than how they appear to be.
I realized that night last week that I’m human. And, as a human, I have a wide range of emotions inside. Emotions that I never really thought that I had before.
‘I feel love in my heart again….’ He offered once the storm had passed and we both had calmed down.
Love is healing. Love is rejuvenative. The force of compassion is great and just like the deep and wide ocean, it’s definitely a force to be reckoned with if you’re willing to be real, to be authentic with what’s really going on inside.
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