The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Re-Parenting: It’s Not About Them…It’s About You
Ever feel like your mom or dad’s words just came out of your mouth while parenting your child?
Ever find yourself saying things that you swore you’d NEVER say to YOUR child?
Where does this stuff come from?
It’s left over from your past. From the way you were parented. Actually, more to the point, it’s left-over from the FEELINGS that you had about the way you were parented.
Here’s what happens….
You’re a child with needs. Need for love, attention, affection, appreciation, autonomy, acceptance, connection….you get the picture.
And when one of these needs wasn’t met, you had some feelings around it. When you were between 0-7 years old, these were probably some pretty BIG feelings given the growth of the emotional center of the human brain during these very formative years.
So, here you are with your big feelings and your parents began their parenting journey: how did they react or respond to your big feelings? Did you feel like you were really heard? Understood? Can you even remember?
Maybe so. Maybe not. These are all feelings that are NOW locked inside of your body as a parent.
These feelings are doorways into your true peace because here’s what happened next.
When you had your big feelings as a child, your mind got to work saying certain things to yourself based on your feelings. These statements that you started to tell yourself as a child may have seemed VERY TRUE at the time.
These statements are guiding your actions with your child now.
These statements are most likely NOT SERVING YOU anymore.
They are commonly known as your LIMITING BELIEFS.
So, what are your limiting beliefs?
They could be anything like, ‘Nobody listens to me’ or ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘Nobody Cares About Me.’
Your mind is super-duper creative during these moments of intense stress when the stress hormones were flooding your system as a child causing your mind to race with all kinds of thoughts- some were supportive, yet, most were definitely not.
And that’s how it all started.
Now, flash forward and you’re a parent. And your kid has needs that you’re either aware of or unaware of.
You may just see your child as ‘acting out’ or ‘misbehaving.’
What’s really happening is that your child, much like you as a child, has needs and when these needs don’t get met, guess what happens?
Your child has some pretty big feelings. This is what ‘acting out’ or ‘tantrums’ look like.
Them, you start stressing out and your body floods with that stress hormone called ‘cortisol.’. Here’s where you may lose your &#%*!!
Why?
Because those old limiting belief patterns from when you were a child are getting triggered in your brain, causing you to react VERY STRONGLY during those HEATED MOMENTS with your child.
Thus, the cycle continues. Until your child becomes a parent and so on and so on and so on.
These cycles are generational. Limiting beliefs are right now being passed down from generation to generation. Consciously and unconsciously.
So, what to do?
We need to Re-Parent ourselves. First and foremost.
You need a way to release those old LIMITING BELIEFS that are no longer serving you as a parent (as a person!) and replace them with NEW BELIEFS that completely SERVE YOU and How You Truly Want To Be With Your Child.
This is your time as a parent. This is your greatest opportunity to break the cycle. To give your child something that maybe you didn’t have. To turn the tides of disconnected, angry, hurtful behavior and allow your first reaction to be one of EMPATHY – for yourself and your child.
Join me this Thursday, April 7th at 1pm PST on your phone and I’ll share with you my 5 Secrets to the Re-Parenting Process.
Click here to register…it’s on the house.
Can You Keep It Simple?
Having dinner with a friend last week who has this innate ability to tap into the present moment and appreciate it so much that you 
tend to forget somehow that anything else exists BUT this moment. It’s a crazy beautiful skill that I wish I could clone.
In the middle of dinner, he mentions the word KISS. No, not a kiss in the traditional sense. He explained to me that the acronym stood for ‘Keep It Simple Stupid’. His best advice to me for the evening.
It sounded a bit silly at the time but that acronym has really been sticking with me and now, flowing over into my one on one sessions with parents.
We all try so hard as parents to understand our children and make sense of this incredibly life-changing process taking place called ‘raising a child’. Every experience you’d like to have with your child, every connection, every moment that you’d like to hold in your heart forever. For many of us, as parents, we wish for time to just stop for a moment. How can you possibly grasp all that is happening in the great cycle of life?
And, that’s where I see ‘Keep It Simple’ entering the picture.
Simply put, your child really wants your full attention. All of it. And I’m not talking just about your presence. (‘cause we talk an awful lot about that over here) I’m talking about another kind of attention.
Keeping it simple means being clearing the path to actually have that kind of attention for yourself and your child.
And, clearing the path means getting real with four things in your life:
Your intentions for the qualities that you’d like to develop in your child
Your commitment to modeling these qualities in yourself. (ha! Easier said than done sometimes!)
An awareness of where you may be getting stuck or reacting strongly with your child….what are your trigger points?
Getting help to move beyond those blockages so that you can expand your presence with your child and keep on keeping it simple!
When you’re feeling confused or lost as a parent, you may actually be experiencing a loop of negative self-talk or beliefs. These thought loops often no longer serve you and will keep you on an endless rollercoaster of self-sabotaging behavior.
I spoke with the most wonderful mom yesterday who was really taking the care and attention to make sure that she was being fully present with her son. Yet, in her head, her efforts were never enough. She had these incessant thought loops playing in her mind of ‘it’s never good enough’ and ‘I could’ve done better.’
While they seemed like valid thoughts to her at the time, these thoughts were noticeably taking this mom out of the present moment with her child. And the funny thing is that she’s not alone! Not at all.
We are all experiencing some kind of thought loop all the time. Question is whether or not the current thought loop is really serving you in experiencing your deepest joy, your unbridled passion, fulfillment, love, connection, and above all, your sense of security from the inside out to truly express the most authentic you. Whew! Guess it’s quite a big question!
The expression of who you are emerges in life over time and throughout the space of your connections with others. Your child is calling forth the fullest expression of you in every moment, whether you’re aware of this or not. And you have the unique opportunity to rise to the occasion.
So often we want to run from those very difficult emotions that may be causing us pain, hurt, or confusion. Yet, if you can sit long enough in the full expression of that feeling, without reacting immediately, you’ll receive the gift that lies underneath and that gift has the possibility to transform you.
Feelings cause us to expand who we are and what we think about life.
Let your intuition guide you and ‘keep it simple’. There is a deeper expression of love, patience…of trust longing to emerge.
Are Your Ready For Pure Delight?
Pure delight…..as my son sleeps beside me as I write this (yup, we’re a co-sleeping family!) , he blurts out something about a dinosaur and then smiles in pure delight. I’m fascinated by his delight and how it spreads so wide all over his face. And I’m reminded that it’s those moments of delight that children are really able to reflect back to us as parents.
Yet, in our ‘awake’ time with kids during the day, it seems like we can only access that realm of pure delight once we have moved through the more difficult and hurtful emotions.
In talking with so many parents, I find it very poignant that we all believe that we’re alone as parents (as people) with our various feelings of guilt, shame and fear for something that we did or didn’t do as of yet in our parenting.
I want to scream out to the world of parents now, ‘You are not alone!’
We are all in the same boat. We have all been passed down generations of parenting – of ways of being with each other that are deeply embedded in the cells of our bodies and within our brain patterning. It’s extremely adventurous to shift the way you are parenting from the way that you were parented.
I work with some of the most courageous people I know who are voraciously choosing how they would like to parent now from a conscious place, instead of from a place of fear, blame, guilt, or shame.
This is one of the most bold moves that I know about in all of humanity. These cycles of parenting and ways of being are deeply ingrained patterns within us and it really does take some vision (of the kind of child you’d really like to raise and the person who you’d REALLY like to be) coupled with the courage to walk through whatever fear, guilt, shame or blame that presents itself.
Transformation (and parenting) is truly a process that strengthens and purifies you, if you’re ready.
I have a good friend who I saw this past week who had put on some extra weight and was really feeling shame around his body. I love this friend so much and honestly, I didn’t even notice the weight that much until his own feelings of shame around his body became so pronounced. I noticed his internal struggle with those feelings and just wanted him to know that he was in a safe space to know himself beyond all of that shame.
For it’s in that knowing of yourself – that realization that you are much bigger than the shame – where a safe container will emerge that will allow you to burn through any hurtful feelings.
And in order to get to the feelings of love and delight, we all have to burn through some of those more hurtful feelings.
So, what have I been ‘burning through’ lately?
Lately, I’ve been burning through guilt around not spending enough time with my son (and working a lot this week), and burning through fear around the possibility of being with a new partner.
All of these emotions are tugging at me now to be fully expressed and released into the ‘fire of transformation.’
Luckily, I have a wonderful container of empathy in dear friendships that allow me to burn through these feelings, without having to change or fix them. They just are and they need to come out right now.
How about you? Do you have someone who can support you and be that kind of empathetic listening?
Because I believe that that’s what is truly needed right now. If we are to truly experience transformation in ourselves and others, then we need containers of empathy and support. We all need to be able to just unload those ancient, hurtful feelings and allow them to burn away without having to fix or change them.
And, in order to really be that kind of clear container of support for another, for your child, it means that you will need to burn away any of your ancient, hurtful feelings first and allow them to be transformed. Relationship is a process that begins with you. Always.
So, what feelings are you ready to burn away right now?
What challenges are you having?
You are not alone.
We are all in this together.
That’s what being in relationship with each other can really teach us.
How to completely transform all of that which is not love and move into a place of pure connection and delight.
These feelings of guilt, fear, and shame are universal and they are really a gift that will bring you that much closer to the experience of love and pure delight… if you’re ready.
I Don’t Know What to Do With All This…
The volcano burst forth the other day like it does on so many occasions and all of these big feelings and tears just poured down my 
son’s face. The burst of emotion caught me off guard and reminded me that I really had no idea in the moment where all of this emotion is coming from.
Sure, I could guess as a parent but really, there are just so many levels of intricate feelings happening within each experience that sometimes, it’s really hard to tell in the moment just why the volcano is bursting forth. As parents, we are usually so quick to go to a solution to just stop the emotion, stop the pain, stop this uncontrollable river of emotion overflowing.
Yet, the process of discovery is sometimes lost as we stumble quickly towards a solution. For within that one precious moment when the volcano finally explodes and the lava is overflowing all over the place, lies some great golden nugget of connection.
And your child is waiting for you- enticing you - to find that golden nugget, to dig deep and not let any piece of that gold go. You’re child longs to be discovered beneath everything. (here’s a secret: so do you!)
I’m learning that there are so many luscious surprises when we actually do go mining for gold.
For, as my son’s tears erupted all over his face, and I was feeling shocked at the suddenness of emotion, I chose to become a discoverer and just be with him in the land of emotions.
I could see the fire, his frustration building up in his eyes….it was like he wanted to cry but was trapped in the actual crying process as if the crying wasn’t really him but that it was a part of him that he didn’t quite understand.
So, while wrapped in cloaks of emotion, from deep within himself, he looked helplessly into my eyes and a small voice emerged:
‘Mommy, I don’t know what to do with all of this.’ It was one of those moments that stops your heart. Know what I mean? It was just so honest, so raw….so…so….human.
He said it again as if to reinforce that it really WAS something that he was struggling with – the enormity of an emotion riding through his body. And he really didn’t know what to do with ‘ALL of this.’
If you get really honest with yourself, isn’t this how you feel too at times when your emotions are coming up so strong and so big for you? Sure, it’s easy to push them away and easily distract ourselves. But, if you were to really sit with your biggest feeling – sit right in the middle of the fire of the volcano bursting forth – and just BE there, you would probably utter something of the same.
‘I Don’t Know What To Do With ALL of this!’
Big feelings are like these gigantic boulders that come rolling through our bodies (and our lives.) And often, they completely knock us over, allowing little space for recovery.
Remember the last argument you had? What was fueling it? Could you really stop the volcano of anger, sadness or disappointment from exploding once the lava begins to push forth from the depths of the mountain?
Maybe you could but like it or not, explosions often happen yet our gold of the moment – that gold of connection lies in our ability to recognize that there is a great awareness wanting to give birth.
For, that’s what awareness does. It lets us know that whatever feeling you may be experiencing in the moment is not really you. Whatever explosion is happening with your child, awareness allows you to remember that deep inside your child, he/she is also wondering, ‘What do I do with all of this?’
And as the volcano explodes and the tears run down your child’s face and your child doesn’t know ‘what to do with all of this’ – with all of this sadness, with all of this anger, with all of this confusion, with all of this love, with all of this anxiousness- this deeper part of your child is calling out to be freed and known by you.
Because it’s that deeper part of your child that, in fact, does know what to do in the heat of the moment.
It’s that deeper part of your child – your child’s soul- that knows exactly what to do.
It’s your child’s soul- the awareness of love within your child’s soul- that knows it’s time for a great emotional release to happen. Time for the volcano to explode. Time for the lava to spill out everywhere. Time to make a mess.
And it’s the awareness of love within your soul that can let your child know that it’s ok. Let the volcano explode. Let the lava run. I’ll be right here by your side.
Can You Truly Forgive Your Child?
Our children are always pushing our buttons. Doesn’t it just seem that they’re specifically designed to do so?
We talk a lot in our classes about connection. Deep connection. We live and breathe connection, making it the intention within communications with our children. Yet, you’re the parent. Don’t you always know what’s right for your child and what’s not?
Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to have the last say about everything?
Well, maybe yes, but if you are truly interested in connecting with your child, then the answer to that last question would be a definitive ‘NO.’
Connection is all about cooperation. It’s about taking the journey together. And the trick is, as a parent, that you might just have to give up being right or knowing the answer within a situation in order to connect with your child.
What’s more important? Being right or connecting?
The journey of learning –gathering the tools to learn- is a journey of discovery and exploration. If you are to connect –deeply connect with your child- then this journey must be done together.
You and your child exploring and discovering new lands – new ideas, concepts, actions, ways of being and most of all, discovering each other.
But, how do you get to the feeling of being a curious explorer when your buttons are being pushed for the umpteenth time and the urge to just tell your child what to do and what to do next and what to do next is welling up inside of you, threatening to explode into the space between you and your child? (Whew! That was a mouthful!)
We need to drastically shift our mindset as parents if we really want to connect with our children and engage in that co-creative relationship with them.
The mindset we need to adopt, you might ask?
Wonder.
Wonderment.
That place where you just marvel and wonder about something.
Are you willing to be in a place of wonder?
When we stand in that place of wonderment together, then universes open up to the infinite possibilities of connection that now lay before us. Wonderment offers you a space where anything is possible.
Remember being a kid and just wondering whether something you did would cause something else? All of those endless hours of experimentation with all sorts of things, situations, and communication?
We are naturally in a state of constant wonderment and exploration as a child. It’s infectious. It’s the core of learning.
And the greatest learning that we have to do here in this life – the greatest opportunity we have to grow spiritually and emotionally is with each other. In relationship.
What makes you tick? What ticks you off? What excites you? Moves you to passion? Or passionately moves you away from your child (or anyone else) ?
What is your child trying to learn about you in this moment?
And what can you learn about your child in this moment?
A very accomplished entrepreneurial mom asked me the other day if it was possible for her to repair some of the ‘disconnection’ that happened with her children (ages 7-12) during the time that she was working full time and going through a divorce. Once the patterns of disconnection are ‘set in place’, is there really any way to establish that sense of trust, safety and intimacy that’s possible to have between a parent and child?
‘Isn’t it too late?’ she asked.
And I blurted out my answer based in brain science (because that’s where my brain went in that moment!): ‘No, it’s never too late because the brain has neuroplasticity, which means that our brains, at any moment, can grow and change and learn new patterns.
Upon deeper reflection of her question today, I might add, “Hmmm, I wonder.” And then, invite her to step into that place of wonder with me.
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can really embrace my child for all that she/he is and all that she/he is not.”
“Hmmm, I wonder if my child is really capable of cooperating with me?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I could really understand what my child is going through right now?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can truly forgive my child?”
With Christmas around the corner, we are reminded of the incredible energy and teachings of Jesus around forgiveness.
So, here is my invitation to you.
I invite you to step into a place of wonderment now with your child and just notice if anything new opens up.
Maybe your greatest present that you’ll receive this holiday is the gift of true presence.
Could parenting really be ALL about you?
You know how ‘they’ say ‘wherever you go, there you are.’? Well, I’m finding that it’s truer and truer these days….especially in parenting!
Funny, as I’m writing this, I’m recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final ‘fire’ happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight ‘A’ student in school and did great on tests . (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my ‘test’ and was asked by my ‘manager’ to leave the company as a result.
When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here.
My son had just returned from his dad’s house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn’t ‘passing’ the parenting ‘test’ as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another.
Truth is there really isn’t any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we’re supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don’t ‘look’ like they’re supposed to look and that’s ok. Actually, it’s more than ‘ok.’
Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you’re being ‘tested’.
And during your parenting ‘test’, you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly ‘normal’ and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, ‘pass the test.’
Passing the parenting test doesn’t mean that you get straight ‘A’s.’ No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn’t come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings.
Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments:
You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can ‘sit back’ and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a ‘negative’ thought about yourself or your parenting.
Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening.
Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children.
Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is.
If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a ‘letting go’ of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success.
So, what is ‘success’ , really?
For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it’s making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child.
Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what’s really going on for you and he can share what’s alive for him, then there is a magic that happens.
And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child.
So, what’s going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn’t go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn’t ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention.
What do you feel when your child doesn’t meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment?
I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now.
Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent.
It’s in those moments when you can get really ‘real’ with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed.
Kids are perception magnets. They’re picking up on everything…especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well.
That’s why I believe it’s time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship?
Millionaires often say that it’s really not about the millions that they have now, but it’s about the person they became in the process of getting the millions.
Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.
So, What’s Up With All This Anger?
I was just sitting on my bed last night with my 4-year old son playing behind me when all of a sudden, ‘Whack!’ A punch delivered right between my shoulder blades, in the back of my ‘heart’ totally knocked the wind out of me. I turned abruptly in shock. 
Ok, well… quasi-shock. He had been unusually quiet and ‘moody’ ever since picking him up from school and I knew that something was up. So, here it was. Here was the release. I just wasn’t expecting it in THAT moment.
Isn’t it always like that, though?
Do we ever really know when emotions will release and allow us into an understanding of what’s REALLY going on underneath the surface?
Here’s where you will really get to know your child but only if you’re willing AND only if you’re really listening.
Our kids (and us, too!) have so many levels of emotions that they go through in a day. Many of these deeper emotions are building up inside, just looking for a way to release. I know some of you may be thinking, ‘Yea, but I’m not ready (or willing) to be the punching bag for my kid’s emotions.’
And, here’s where so many of us as parents get tripped up.
Why?
Because it’s very hard to remember in the moment when your child hurts you either physically or emotionally that it’s not about you.
I’ll say it again. It’s not about you.
This is one of the core lessons to remember in the practice of empathy and connected communication. In order to authentically connect with your child, discover what’s REALLY going on, and develop that lasting, deep bond of trust and safety with your child, you’re going to have to make a choice here in your thinking.
Choice A: Immediately reprimand, punish, or ‘correct’ your child’s behavior.
Choice B: Seek to understand the feelings and needs of your child (AND yourself) in that moment and then set the limit for what behavior ‘works’ in your family.
When we automatically dive into Choice A, we lose so much of the understanding and connection that’s actually possible during those moments. We don’t get to find out what’s REALLY going on.
Because those moments of release – even though they may look like a punch, a scream, a door slammed – are your moments of opportunity for connection. The ‘outbursts’ are windows into your child’s complex emotional realm.
Your child is crying out during those moments on a deeper level to be heard, to be acknowledged and ‘discovered.’ There are emotions on top of emotions on top of emotions just looking for a place to be expressed.
As the parent, you can provide that place.
When talking with a dear colleague last week, Genevieve Simperingham, she said it best, ‘it takes a while to get to the more vulnerable emotions.’
The more vulnerable emotions.
Sure, it’s easy to say that your child is ‘angry’ or ‘moody’ or whatever, but that is just the first level of an emotion that you’re seeing.
Anger, as we talk about in our Glide Program, is a compound emotion.
What does that mean?
A compound emotion means that there are levels of other emotions stirring underneath that simple expression or outburst of anger. It’s actually taken a while for the emotion of anger to come bubbling to the surface because there are underlying, more vulnerable emotions that eventually call the anger forth.
Here is where the true ‘meat’ of connection lies. Want to find out what’s really going on with your child?
Be available and willing to dive into these moments with an open heart.
So, was I just punched in the back for no reason whatsoever? Probably the mind of a four-year old just ‘being bad’, some may say.
But I had chosen ‘Choice B’ in that moment and as difficult as it was (with a throbbing back), I kept telling myself that there was more here than meets the eye. I became this curious explorer in search of some treasure. I wanted to know the story behind the story – why my sensitive, funny and curious little guy had suddenly turned moody and withdrawn.
Ever since I had picked him up with school, he seemed distant – not really wanting to connect or play like we usually do at that time of day. Then, upon arriving home, he was screaming and lashing out at my friend’s two young children. I knew something was up, but couldn’t really get to the core of it until the punch.
The punch opened up those other vulnerable emotions for him because I chose ‘Choice B’ – I chose to be vulnerable with him in that ‘punch’ moment and express my feelings first.
‘Ow! That really hurt! (pause to catch my breath) Whoa! I’m feeling shocked! I’m so sad. Why did you punch me?’
And then, from the deepest well within my son’ heart, the more vulnerable feelings and details about his day began to emerge. Soon, I learned that his friend had pushed him again at school and that he had done ‘bad things’ back to his friend.
I remembered that this is pre-school but our conversation could have really been taking place with a child of any age.
Because in that moment, I became so aware of the cycles of hurt. The cycles of ‘violence’ that are perpetuated throughout our lives, throughout our generations, and throughout our souls. One hurts another and the other hurts another and so on and so on.
Until the cycle stops.
The question is : how do we break the cycles of pain and hurt? How do we move into a more evolved way of communication?
How do we move beyond the existence of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ and realize that we’re all just people having very real life experiences?
Communication, true communication begins with vulnerability.
Those deeper, vulnerable emotions need to be given a voice and a space to release in a safe manner, free of blame, shame, manipulation, punishment or rewards. Here’s where the stuff underneath the stuff gets to come out and you really get to know yourself and your child.
This is the stuff that made the Velveteen Rabbit real or gave young Santiago the fortitude to go in search of his dream in The Alchemist. This is the stuff that true, authentic, long-lasting relationships are made of.
There is a well of underlying emotions beneath the surface just bubbling, ready to explode. This is the buried treasure within the heart of your child.
Go in search of the buried treasure and you just may find your child waiting there, longing to be discovered.
Getting Into Your Child’s World
As parents, we spend so much of our time living in our fast-paced worlds. Rushing about, we try to get everything done and parent at the same time. Honestly, I never knew just how busy I would be as a parent! Have you ever thought this? 
The amount of time and attention necessary when you become a parent is almost unimaginable until you’re there! It’s a steep learning curve in time management that will cause you to really examine how to make the best use of your time.
How much time do you work?
How much time to you spend doing ‘errands’?
How much time do you ‘play’?
How much time do you spend with your child?
And, for the million-dollar question: how much time do you spend getting into your child’s world?
Yes, your child’s world.
In our crazy-busy fast-paced world, have you taken a moment to truly step into your child’s world?
This past week over Thanksgiving, I had the incredible opportunity to spend five straight days with my son alone, just me and him, while his dad is away working in Thailand.
For a working mom, this was very unusual! Five straight days. I welcomed our time together and yet, at the beginning of our five days, I was feeling a bit anxious. Not because I didn’t have activities planned for he and I (sometimes, the activities involved just hanging out at home..ha!) but my trepidation and anxiousness came from the anticipation of my son getting to know me better. Imagine that.
We spend so much of our time ‘parenting’ our children yet, when we do have some great quality time, how much can you share of YOU with your child? Your child longs to know you – to know what you’re feeling yet, just to feel that vulnerability in sharing your feelings with your child can lead us into uncharted territories we may not be so ready to explore.
For most of us, we’re not used to sharing our feelings with our children. You may see this as ‘weak’ or ‘being his friend’ when you should be ‘being his/her parent’! Yet, the vocabulary of feelings (and needs) that we use and teach in our classes opens up windows into each others’ worlds….windows that may have otherwise remained closed.
The truth is that our worlds – the world that you live in and the world that you’re child lives in – are meant to be shared. Fully and deeply, without shame or apologies.
So, those five days with my son…what did I learn about myself?
I learned that I can open up more and share my world with my son. I learned that I can stop being the ‘Parent’ and just BE with my son, sharing my feelings and unique observations of each moment.
Each moment brought us deeper into this ongoing conversation that began to form a web of connection with funny words, ‘inside jokes’, recurring stories, moments of silence, and a deep abiding trust that we would be there for each other in the next moment.
Together, we were creating our own culture. The culture of our relationship.
And you have that same opportunity with your child. No need to travel to a foreign country. Your relationship with your child IS that other country where your language, play and customs are completely unique to both of you.
I also learned that my son lives in this incredible world. Yet, I only was able to really get a taste of his world by allowing my own world to slow down a bit and just BE with him, I started taking baby steps into his world and Wow! What a different perspective our children actually have!
I learned that my son lives in a world where:
Every moment is a new discovery.
Passion fuels every moment.
Moods are accepted and allowed to just be there. No need to apologize for anything. He is who he is and he feels what he feels.
Connection to others is paramount.
Love is readily accepted and received.
Every moment is miraculous and different from the last moment.
My son’s world really was a wonderful and exciting place to live when I was able to fully step into it and embrace it during our time together. And as I did so, our new ‘culture’, our new way of relating began to emerge. It was much slower, much more understanding, more vulnerable and above all, more loving.
We say it all the time in our classes. ‘Empathy is the act of stepping into your child’s shoes – seeing the world from his/her perspective.’
Now, I’m realizing that empathy really begins with me and you. We can be vulnerable and courageous first to share ourselves and step out of our own worlds and into the world of our children, even if just for a moment.
Letting Go Of Resistance: Finding the Yes Behind the No
As I emerged out of the bathroom last night only to find my son climbing and jumping from my desk, I let out a small shriek of surprise. There were a lot of glass objects right around where he had decided to play Tarzan and just the sight of that jump had my nerves standing on end.
But it was my reaction that really caught my son by surprise. And a big ol’ ’NO!’ slipped out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget my son’s reaction, which will forever be ingrained in my memory.
For after I told him that the desk was dangerous for him to jump off of, he turned to me with the most innocent, big questioning eyes and said, “Do you still love me?”
I had to ask him to repeat the question again because, honestly, I had never heard him ask me that before.
And he repeated, ‘Do you still love me?’
Wow. His words pierced right through to my heart. ’Yes! Of course I still love you!’ I replied grabbing him and hugging him. ’I will always love you!’ In hearing this, his smile beamed from ear to ear. You could feel his fulfillment and pure joy in that moment.
As I wondered more about this ‘No!’ that I was so quick to react with, I was quickly reminded that my reaction/response to my child has nothing to do with my child and everything to do with me! So, I engaged my son with our nonviolent tools of communication and we talked about what just happened, how we were both feeling about my reaction, and any future solutions we could come up with when he felt the urge to climb.
Normally, we have a different practice around here instead of me just saying ‘no!’ when my child does something that I don’t enjoy. Yet, last night, my nervous feelings got the best of me in that particular moment and I reacted with my big ol’ ’No!’
As parents, we’re often so quick to say ‘no’ to our children. After all, we know all the ‘rules’ and it’s our job to enforce them. Right?
Well, ‘no’, maybe not.
Have you noticed that your child may react to your ‘no’ with resistance? And my experience with resistance is that ‘resistance begets resistance.’ So, you may find yourself and your child engaged in some sort of battle of wits with all of the ‘no’s’.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some secret of connection that would head off this downward cycle before it even starts?
Well, guess what? There is.
There is a secret that will instantly connect you with your child and lay the foundation for future cooperation. The secret?
There is a ‘yes’ lurking behind the ‘no’.
Finding the ‘yes’ doesn’t mean that you acquiesce to your every child’s request. Quite the opposite. You are actually holding true to your ‘no’, your limit, yet, at the same time, you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and desires whenever he/she makes a request. Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ lets your child know that his/her feelings do matter, builds your child’s emotional intelligence and does worlds for your child’s self-esteem as well.
So, how does it look?
Let’s say it’s just after dinner, and your child has just thrown his ice cream all over the floor.
Instead of immediately responding with your ‘no’, you can validate your child’s desire for play and how throwing the ice cream makes your child feel. Here’s an example:
“Ice cream is really slimy, huh? It seems like it’s really fun to throw! You have a need to play, huh?
(hint: this is the ‘yes’) but we don’t throw ice cream because…..it makes the floor slippery and somebody may fall (or whatever your reason is…this is the ‘no’, your limit and should be in line with your personal/family values.)
Your child will either be ok with your explanation or he/she may have big feelings around your limit. And here’s where it’s helpful to remember the 3 reasons from my good friend and colleague, Marion Badenoch Rose:
‘When kids do things that we don’t enjoy, it’s because of 3 reasons’:
He/she has an unmet need
A need for information
A need to release painful feelings related to stress or trauma.
You may often experience your child’s tantrums or big feelings as causing some disconnection with you yet, your child is really trying to express something that lies deeper within and could actually cause a deeper connection and understanding between the two of you.
Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ and validating that ‘yes’ first allows for the connection and understanding between you and your child. You can still hold the limit and then use any of our Nonviolent parenting tools to honor your child’s big feelings and maintain the connection between you and your child, even during your child’s biggest emotional ‘storm’.
If you haven’t yet received our free 3-part video series on how to handle tantrums/big feelings using 5 Nonviolent Tools, go here: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/calm-your-child
And have fun with that ice-cream floor! I hear it’s great for skating 
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