Could parenting really be ALL about you?
You know how ‘they’ say ‘wherever you go, there you are.’? Well, I’m finding that it’s truer and truer these days….especially in parenting!
Funny, as I’m writing this, I’m recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final ‘fire’ happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight ‘A’ student in school and did great on tests . (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my ‘test’ and was asked by my ‘manager’ to leave the company as a result.
When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here.
My son had just returned from his dad’s house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn’t ‘passing’ the parenting ‘test’ as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another.
Truth is there really isn’t any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we’re supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don’t ‘look’ like they’re supposed to look and that’s ok. Actually, it’s more than ‘ok.’
Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you’re being ‘tested’.
And during your parenting ‘test’, you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly ‘normal’ and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, ‘pass the test.’
Passing the parenting test doesn’t mean that you get straight ‘A’s.’ No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn’t come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings.
Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments:
You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can ‘sit back’ and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a ‘negative’ thought about yourself or your parenting.
Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening.
Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children.
Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is.
If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a ‘letting go’ of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success.
So, what is ‘success’ , really?
For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it’s making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child.
Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what’s really going on for you and he can share what’s alive for him, then there is a magic that happens.
And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child.
So, what’s going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn’t go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn’t ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention.
What do you feel when your child doesn’t meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment?
I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now.
Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent.
It’s in those moments when you can get really ‘real’ with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed.
Kids are perception magnets. They’re picking up on everything…especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well.
That’s why I believe it’s time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship?
Millionaires often say that it’s really not about the millions that they have now, but it’s about the person they became in the process of getting the millions.
Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.
Getting Into Your Child’s World
As parents, we spend so much of our time living in our fast-paced worlds. Rushing about, we try to get everything done and parent at the same time. Honestly, I never knew just how busy I would be as a parent! Have you ever thought this? 
The amount of time and attention necessary when you become a parent is almost unimaginable until you’re there! It’s a steep learning curve in time management that will cause you to really examine how to make the best use of your time.
How much time do you work?
How much time to you spend doing ‘errands’?
How much time do you ‘play’?
How much time do you spend with your child?
And, for the million-dollar question: how much time do you spend getting into your child’s world?
Yes, your child’s world.
In our crazy-busy fast-paced world, have you taken a moment to truly step into your child’s world?
This past week over Thanksgiving, I had the incredible opportunity to spend five straight days with my son alone, just me and him, while his dad is away working in Thailand.
For a working mom, this was very unusual! Five straight days. I welcomed our time together and yet, at the beginning of our five days, I was feeling a bit anxious. Not because I didn’t have activities planned for he and I (sometimes, the activities involved just hanging out at home..ha!) but my trepidation and anxiousness came from the anticipation of my son getting to know me better. Imagine that.
We spend so much of our time ‘parenting’ our children yet, when we do have some great quality time, how much can you share of YOU with your child? Your child longs to know you – to know what you’re feeling yet, just to feel that vulnerability in sharing your feelings with your child can lead us into uncharted territories we may not be so ready to explore.
For most of us, we’re not used to sharing our feelings with our children. You may see this as ‘weak’ or ‘being his friend’ when you should be ‘being his/her parent’! Yet, the vocabulary of feelings (and needs) that we use and teach in our classes opens up windows into each others’ worlds….windows that may have otherwise remained closed.
The truth is that our worlds – the world that you live in and the world that you’re child lives in – are meant to be shared. Fully and deeply, without shame or apologies.
So, those five days with my son…what did I learn about myself?
I learned that I can open up more and share my world with my son. I learned that I can stop being the ‘Parent’ and just BE with my son, sharing my feelings and unique observations of each moment.
Each moment brought us deeper into this ongoing conversation that began to form a web of connection with funny words, ‘inside jokes’, recurring stories, moments of silence, and a deep abiding trust that we would be there for each other in the next moment.
Together, we were creating our own culture. The culture of our relationship.
And you have that same opportunity with your child. No need to travel to a foreign country. Your relationship with your child IS that other country where your language, play and customs are completely unique to both of you.
I also learned that my son lives in this incredible world. Yet, I only was able to really get a taste of his world by allowing my own world to slow down a bit and just BE with him, I started taking baby steps into his world and Wow! What a different perspective our children actually have!
I learned that my son lives in a world where:
Every moment is a new discovery.
Passion fuels every moment.
Moods are accepted and allowed to just be there. No need to apologize for anything. He is who he is and he feels what he feels.
Connection to others is paramount.
Love is readily accepted and received.
Every moment is miraculous and different from the last moment.
My son’s world really was a wonderful and exciting place to live when I was able to fully step into it and embrace it during our time together. And as I did so, our new ‘culture’, our new way of relating began to emerge. It was much slower, much more understanding, more vulnerable and above all, more loving.
We say it all the time in our classes. ‘Empathy is the act of stepping into your child’s shoes – seeing the world from his/her perspective.’
Now, I’m realizing that empathy really begins with me and you. We can be vulnerable and courageous first to share ourselves and step out of our own worlds and into the world of our children, even if just for a moment.
Letting Go Of Resistance: Finding the Yes Behind the No
As I emerged out of the bathroom last night only to find my son climbing and jumping from my desk, I let out a small shriek of surprise. There were a lot of glass objects right around where he had decided to play Tarzan and just the sight of that jump had my nerves standing on end.
But it was my reaction that really caught my son by surprise. And a big ol’ ’NO!’ slipped out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget my son’s reaction, which will forever be ingrained in my memory.
For after I told him that the desk was dangerous for him to jump off of, he turned to me with the most innocent, big questioning eyes and said, “Do you still love me?”
I had to ask him to repeat the question again because, honestly, I had never heard him ask me that before.
And he repeated, ‘Do you still love me?’
Wow. His words pierced right through to my heart. ’Yes! Of course I still love you!’ I replied grabbing him and hugging him. ’I will always love you!’ In hearing this, his smile beamed from ear to ear. You could feel his fulfillment and pure joy in that moment.
As I wondered more about this ‘No!’ that I was so quick to react with, I was quickly reminded that my reaction/response to my child has nothing to do with my child and everything to do with me! So, I engaged my son with our nonviolent tools of communication and we talked about what just happened, how we were both feeling about my reaction, and any future solutions we could come up with when he felt the urge to climb.
Normally, we have a different practice around here instead of me just saying ‘no!’ when my child does something that I don’t enjoy. Yet, last night, my nervous feelings got the best of me in that particular moment and I reacted with my big ol’ ’No!’
As parents, we’re often so quick to say ‘no’ to our children. After all, we know all the ‘rules’ and it’s our job to enforce them. Right?
Well, ‘no’, maybe not.
Have you noticed that your child may react to your ‘no’ with resistance? And my experience with resistance is that ‘resistance begets resistance.’ So, you may find yourself and your child engaged in some sort of battle of wits with all of the ‘no’s’.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some secret of connection that would head off this downward cycle before it even starts?
Well, guess what? There is.
There is a secret that will instantly connect you with your child and lay the foundation for future cooperation. The secret?
There is a ‘yes’ lurking behind the ‘no’.
Finding the ‘yes’ doesn’t mean that you acquiesce to your every child’s request. Quite the opposite. You are actually holding true to your ‘no’, your limit, yet, at the same time, you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and desires whenever he/she makes a request. Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ lets your child know that his/her feelings do matter, builds your child’s emotional intelligence and does worlds for your child’s self-esteem as well.
So, how does it look?
Let’s say it’s just after dinner, and your child has just thrown his ice cream all over the floor.
Instead of immediately responding with your ‘no’, you can validate your child’s desire for play and how throwing the ice cream makes your child feel. Here’s an example:
“Ice cream is really slimy, huh? It seems like it’s really fun to throw! You have a need to play, huh?
(hint: this is the ‘yes’) but we don’t throw ice cream because…..it makes the floor slippery and somebody may fall (or whatever your reason is…this is the ‘no’, your limit and should be in line with your personal/family values.)
Your child will either be ok with your explanation or he/she may have big feelings around your limit. And here’s where it’s helpful to remember the 3 reasons from my good friend and colleague, Marion Badenoch Rose:
‘When kids do things that we don’t enjoy, it’s because of 3 reasons’:
He/she has an unmet need
A need for information
A need to release painful feelings related to stress or trauma.
You may often experience your child’s tantrums or big feelings as causing some disconnection with you yet, your child is really trying to express something that lies deeper within and could actually cause a deeper connection and understanding between the two of you.
Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ and validating that ‘yes’ first allows for the connection and understanding between you and your child. You can still hold the limit and then use any of our Nonviolent parenting tools to honor your child’s big feelings and maintain the connection between you and your child, even during your child’s biggest emotional ‘storm’.
If you haven’t yet received our free 3-part video series on how to handle tantrums/big feelings using 5 Nonviolent Tools, go here: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/calm-your-child
And have fun with that ice-cream floor! I hear it’s great for skating 
Are You Being The ‘Perfect’ Parent?
It’s human nature to strive and enjoy pleasurable experiences and veer away from the more challenging and uncomfortable times. And, why not?
Pleasure is fun. Happiness is contagious. Truly, it is.
How wonderful to witness the pure joy and unbridled delight in the play of a child. I believe it’s really what we’re meant to be doing here on planet earth – you are really meant to enjoy yourself here, just like your child is meant to enjoy himself/herself. To live, laugh and love to the fullest expression of who you are.
Yet, what happens when things don’t look perfect? When you are being challenged by your child and you don’t feel like the ‘perfect parent’? What happens when you have strong feelings of anger or upset? How can you resolve these?
It’s important to remember these 5 things during those challenging times:
Nobody’s perfect.
Be honest with yourself and what you’re feeling and needing.
Express your feelings and needs in a healthy manner.
Reflect on any lessons that came along with your feelings and needs.
Obstacles are opportunities for change and growth. Sometimes extreme growth brings about even more love and transformation.
There is a continuum of violence that is alive in every moment. We, as parents, are often shocked at the level of anger we have towards our children, and yet, no matter who you are, you exist somewhere on that continuum of violence. On a scale of 1-10, you may find yourself at a ‘1’, being more calm and peaceful with your child, or you may be at a 9 or 10, spanking and screaming at your child any chance you get. You may also find yourself somewhere in the middle. Where are you at right now?
In our classes and throughout the practice of nonviolent parenting, we have a somewhat radical definition of ‘violence’. We see violence as ‘anything that hurts the body, mind or spirit of another living being.’ This includes screaming, spanking and anything that includes any form of blame, shame, punishment, consequence or manipulation.
This definition is definitely challenging for a lot of people and I believe that it really invites all of us to take a closer look and get honest with ourselves about where we exist along that continuum. There is no right or wrong – no good or bad about where you are. You are where you are. Your gift is that you can now become aware and honest with where you’re at. Because if you don’t know where your starting point is, then it’s going to be really difficult to get to where you want to be.
Why is it important for you NOT to judge where you’re at?
When you judge yourself – notice something as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, then you stop the flow of learning and transformation that wants to take place. It’s hard to see the truth of a situation and be able to choose a healthier solution when you become consumed with judgment.
Believe it or not, your child really needs your full presence in the ‘happy’ times as well as the challenging ones. Especially during the challenging times! When you’re not fully expressed as a person and as a parent, then you’re unable to completely offer your child your full presence. A part of your mind is completely wrapped up in judging yourself instead of freeing up mindspace through the practice of forgiveness.
Maybe you just had a moment of disconnection between you and your child. You can forgive, reestablish the connection and move on.
The sacred exists in your whole experience of life with your child. The pleasurable AND the challenging.
Now is your greatest opportunity to forgive, connect, and grow with your child.
Are you ready?
Where Is That Space of Stillness Between You and Your Child?
I remember hearing this once, ‘If you want your child to listen, stop talking so much.’
This week, by default of losing my voice and getting sick, I wasn’t really trying to get my son to listen specifically, but I definitely had to stop talking so much. The results?
My son naturally cooperated with me even more. We became like a team flowing together through each new activity – each part of our day. I didn’t know this would happen but my bout of silence has really offered me the opportunity to quiet my mind and listen more.
Cooperation is great when it happens, huh? At any age, it seems. There is nothing like it when your child flows with you. Yet, more than any cooperative moment are the deep levels of connection that lie beneath the cooperation.
The problem often is not that your child won’t cooperate with you or won’t listen to you. Make no mistake. Barring any physical hearing disorder, your child IS listening to you. The question really remains then, ‘Are you connecting with your child to have them even WANT to listen to you?’ Because CONNECTING is where it’s at. Don’t try to change your child’s behavior. Instead, strive to connect and the rest will work itself out.
For, you and your child share a space of cooperation naturally. It’s in the unspoken space between the two of you. The space where no words are necessary. It’s in that sideways glance. It’s in the smile that you share. It’s in the look of caring and concern on your face when your child is crying.
The unspoken space you share is the space of love – where all is understood.
That’s all great, you may be thinking, but ‘how do I access this space of cooperation right now? ‘
The answer: Listen more. Become a master of listening.
Listening opens up doors that would otherwise be closed. Listening gives way to that unspoken language that is always available to you as a parent.
Listening means using your body language, your eyes, and above all, your intention.
If you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again, trying to get your child to do something (or not do something), this is probably a good indicator that you’re talking too much. Your child has heard you. It may be time to just be quiet. Time to listen.
There is so much we can be aware of in the stillness. Within that quiet space between you and your child lies an entire universe of discovery longing to emerge.
Can you hear it? The silence is burgeoning, bringing you into a deeper connection with your child. But, you gotta get quiet….get really quiet and listen.
It may just be that words are not the thing we most need to share right now.
Is Your Child’s Behavior Really That Bad?
I’m Jolette Jai and my mission is to empower you as a parent to raise confident, caring and naturally cooperative children.
In this video, I talk about two more tips for how to create that deep connection and natural cooperation with your child. I offer a way for parents of newborns, toddlers, pre-teens, teenagers and adults to receive our new nonviolent parenting virtual classes for parents immediately. These downloadable classes are especially useful whenever your child is having a tantrum, crying, biting, hitting, screaming, withdrawing, or being defiant. These nonviolent classes will relieve your stress, calm your child, and foster your child’s emotional intelligence, which is now said to be the foundation of all learning. Be sure to watch the end of this video to get your 2 Complimentary Private Phone Sessions with me when you register for our new virtual classes below!
FREE Parenting Tools here: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/calm-your-child
New Virtual Classes for Parents: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/scholarship
Many blessings to you and your family,
Jolette
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