The Essence of Your Vitality: The Real You
It’s becoming more and more apparent to me lately that we are definitely creatures of habit. 
Habits just seem to be all-pervasive. What does that mean? If you’ve done something for a while, then you’re going to tend to do that same thing. Until you find a new way, a new habit and you CHOOSE to follow that new habit. Your choice in the matter is key.
So, what happens when you discover that you’ve been driving down the same road of life over and over again, creating results that you’re not completely 100% satisfied with?
Then, you give up the essence of your vitality. You find that parts of your life have become lackluster. You don’t laugh as much. Or cry as much. Or passionately care as much. You fall into a habit of ‘just living’ – going through the motions without the motions passionately going through you, waking you up to what’s REALLY possible in your life.
I say it’s time for our return. Time for all of us to return to the essence of our vitality – to the stuff that made us – to the sense of freedom that has you belly laughing from your core – to the awareness of a child.
We often think that our kids aren’t as smart or don’t know as much as we do. While that may be true on some life practicality levels, our kids embody the essence of life in every moment. Your child is your great reminder to LIVE – your great wake up call if you let him/her be.
But enough about your child (if you have one), and let’s get back to you for a moment.
How do you access your essence of vitality once again?
The quickest and most effective way that I know of is by uncovering and releasing your unconscious limiting belief patterns from the past – all that stuff that you’re thinking about every day but you may not even realize you’re thinking about. Stuff that holds you back, consumes your energy….
Thoughts like, ‘I’m not good enough, or skinny enough, or rich enough’…’I’m all alone,’….’Nobody listens to me’…..’I should be much further along than this’……all of those thoughts that place judgment on you are keeping you now (RIGHT NOW!) from having your vital energy.
I’m working now with a doctor, an MD in Boston who specializes in functional medicine. She refers many of her patients to me.
Why?
Because while she works on restoring their vitality on a physical level, I work with them to unlock the essence of their vitality on a mind/soul level. I help them to bust through those limiting belief patterns that have been taking up so much of their vital energy – occupying unnecessary space in their bodies and minds. And this is what’s happening with you too.
The essence of your vitality is calling out to be released. Your core energy is longing to flow. So that you can smile once again with the heart of a child. Laugh with wild abandon. Love from the depth of your heart. Cry when something hurts without judgment, knowing that all emotions are ok and welcome here….
In the words of Mark Twain,
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.
This is what happens when you release the old and integrate the new. Your vital essence is alive and calling out to you in this very moment.
Are you ready to listen?
What You May Not Know About Me
I had a quantum mindshift about 2 ½ years ago that completely changed the course of my life and parenting.
I had just ended a six-year marriage that was incredibly challenging, moved into a tiny apartment, had a 2-year old son who was tantruming and not yet sleeping through the night, and took on three jobs as a new single mom to make ends meet, all of which I did not feel passionate about.
I was feeling overwhelmed back then. My son was crying a lot and I just remember being up with him throughout the night when I had this thought: There must be a way to help us both through this deeply emotional time…I really wanted to be contributing and sharing my gifts with others, building a business, but I just found myself in this survival cycle and felt like I was at the bottom of a hole just trying to climb out. I’m sure some of you can relate.
So, during those nights of rocking my son back to sleep, I made a decision that would change the course of my life.
I decided to take my life into my own hands….
I decided to train my mind towards success.
Sure, I had done meditations before but this decision, this commitment, that I made was different. Every day, I made it part of my routine to re-train my brain through meditation. This was my ‘gym’ exercise.
No matter how busy I found myself every day (and believe me, there was a lot to do!), I made it a point to spend at least 30 minutes a day to re-train my brain towards success.
I knew that I had a vision for my life and for my child’s life and the way things looked on the outside certainly did NOT match that vision.
What we do on the inside will always effect what shows up on the outside.
This is what I learned and what ended up happening.
So, after meditating for about 2 weeks, a girlfriend invited me to a parenting class that would completely bring about the shift that I so desired.
It was a course in nonviolent parenting.
They were talking about empathy and having respect for a child’s feelings and needs….all things that I deeply believed in.
The class resonated so deeply with me that I followed my heart and immediately signed up to become a parent educator. Little did I know just what a shift my life was taking.
I went through an intensive training that year with a group of about 30 social workers and together, we witnessed some pretty tough stuff in families.
I was trained in the practice of empathy. Deeply trained over that year. And what I REALLY got was an incredibly nurturing and loving space to be able to shift my own mindset from a place of feeling beaten down by a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, by a career in film that wasn’t going anywhere, and a shocking new life situation as a single mom – two words that I never knew I would utter from my mouth.
That year changed me. We were opening up to the experience of empathy that Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi embodied.
And I knew that something great was at hand, because I had never in my life before experienced such a drastic shift in my mindset from feeling discouraged and alone to feeling accepted, loved and nurtured. I saw just how a deep shift in mindset is possible in anyone. Even you.
I realized that this is truly at the CORE of all parenting. No matter what you’re doing with your child, no matter how difficult ANY situation gets, it’s really your mindset that will get you through and allow you to be successful in deeply connecting with your child and modeling the kind of qualities that you so want your child to have.
You can read more about my story here and what my life is like now after having my quantum mindshift: (www.Jolettejai.com/journey)
So, why am I sharing all of this with you now?
Because I want you to know that wherever you’re at in your life and parenting (if you’re a parent) is OK and that if you’d like, it’s ALWAYS possible to make a huge shift in how you’re living your life from the inside out.
We talk so much about parenting yet how you are feeling in your life, career, partnership, relationships and health really affects ALL of your parenting. Nothing is fragmented. You are a whole person parenting a very perceptible child.
Getting Honest With Your Child
Yesterday, my adorable, can-do-no-‘wrong’ 4-year old son decided that he was going to take every blanket, toy, pillow, and clothing from around our house (including all clean laundry waiting to be folded from the laundry basket ) and throw it all wildly around the 
house.
You know…as a gift for mom!
I just watched in amazement as my son turned wild with excitement and felt part of me laughing inside at his wild flight of fancy while the other part of me brewed with some sort of anxiety mixed with frustration. Heart beating faster….jaw clenching. What should I do next?
What I chose to do was something I had never tried before. It was something that I somehow just reached for intuitively.
I somehow met him on the bed, amidst his wild rampage, and managed to stop for just a moment to connect and look into his eyes. Because of all the connecting and peaceful parenting tools that we play with daily, this kind of connection is possible in a very short time yet, I was feeling the need for more communication….to let him in on some kind of a bigger picture.
Here is what I said and what ensued, which, by the way, completely took my breath away. …
Me: You know, there are parents that do all sorts of things to their kids when their kids are doing what you’re doing now. Some people hit their kids, some people scream, some people tell their kids to go into a corner…but, I’m not going to do any of those things with you right now. Ok?
Dead silence. Immediately. His big eyes watching me, waiting for what’s next.
He nods yes, as if understanding something from deep within. Some kind of ancient wisdom, breathing itself through this moment.
Me: Here’s what I’m going to do….
Eyes waiting.
Me: I’m going to ask you….ok?
He nods ‘Yes.’
Me: Ready?
Him: Yes.
Me: Would you please put all of these things away so we can get going to school?
From somewhere deep inside, he understands the nature of my request and from where it comes from. This place of respect is immediately established between us. He suddenly became aware that his Mommy had choices about how to parent…about what to do in each situation.
We became aware together of the choices available to us in the moment.
And, with choice, the world opens up.
All of a sudden, we were two people with choices, instead of ‘me – Mommy’ and ‘you- Son!’
My choice in that defining moment would continue to shape our relationship.
‘Sure, mommy,’ he replies. His gentle voice resting in the still air of the morning.
Then, without any further prompting, he began picking up the mess that was strewn all over.
You may not agree with what your child is doing. And, to be honest, your child may not agree in his heart with everything that you do.
Yet, somehow, we can all be aware that we have a choice.
Choice becomes liberating.
Choice allows you to have your own voice.
Choice is for everyone.
Choice is something that is learned.
It’s within the awareness that you DO have a choice and your ultimate choice to communicate this awareness with another that honesty truly lies.
The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Are You Changing Yourself For Someone Else?
Completely blown away by today’s realization. Always knew it was there but today, it really came alive in the most eye-opening, powerful way.
So, what was it?
As one of my healers asked me today about what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of shifting myself to accommodate another…not really stepping into who I really am and speaking from my heart about what I feel in any given moment. And, by not doing this, I realized just how much I’m missing out on the depth of what’s possible for connection with another and the magic that can happen within a communication – an exchange.
Crazy, huh?
I teach and coach and speak all day about feelings and being in touch with our feelings. Yet, when it came time today for me to get real about my feelings, I noticed my ability to adjust my feelings to suit a particular environment or circumstance. And, I noticed that the adjustment is made almost instantaneously. So, I may be honestly feeling one thing, but because I am either not feeling comfortable in sharing that feeling or don’t think that it’s appropriate in this circumstance, I will quickly shift, cover up the original feeling and adopt a new feeling that suits the situation.
Do you ever find yourself doing this?
What I’m talking about here is very subtle and yet, I believe that it’s at the core now of why so many of us can’t really feel our feelings.
We’re more concerned about what another person may be thinking or how another will receive you.
I say it’s time to get real. To really be in touch with our hearts and say the thing that’s true. Really true. Your true feeling. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say. Even if you think that it may hurt another.
Feelings can never be in conflict. When they are true and honest and spoken from your heart.
Being able to feel a feeling is one thing. Giving a name to your feeling is another. But, then, being aware of your ‘cover-up’ or ‘hiding’ of your original feeling is completely another thing.
So, are you covering up?
Or, even a better question…
Are you shifting your feelings to accommodate somebody else? Just notice next time.
What I’m noticing in all of this is that the more you can authentically share your heart , then the more you are teaching your child to do the same.
It’s time.
We cannot go around anymore without sharing who we truly are, what we truly feel…what’s really there in the core of your heart. As a parent. As a person.
I believe that this is what our children are calling for now.
To be able to speak your feelings from your heart.
So…..what are you feeling?
Are You Ready to Be Authentic?
We all slip up as parents and I’m certainly no exception. Parenting is not about being perfect. Parenting is about being real and 
connecting.
A hot topic this week is anger. We’re talking about anger in a lot of my one-on-one sessions with clients. Unpacking this powerful emotion to take a peek at what may lay just beneath the surface.
It’s truly a tricky emotion because it’s just so charged and every parent seems to hold some kind of secret about their anger and how it’s getting expressed or not expressed.
We all learned different ways of dealing with anger growing up. Maybe your family was super loud and raged, expressing their anger full out. Or maybe members of your family growing up just shoved anger down, not willing to express it….thinking that it was some wrong or inappropriate emotion. And you, being the open, willing and receptive sponge you were during this time as a child, especially during the ages of 0-7 drank it all up. You were watching your parent(s) or caregiver for their cues on dealing with anger, then you filed away their reactions for a later date when you would now become a parent.
As it turns out, anger is really a compound emotion, meaning that it is made up of lots of other emotions. Take a look beneath anger and you’ll most likely witness a deep well of sadness just waiting to come pouring forth.
There’s definitely a cycle to the creation of anger. The cycle goes something like this:
First, you don’t get a core need met. Then, you have a big feeling well up inside of you. And you’re trying to parent during this moment and let’s just say that this feeling doesn’t really get expressed in a safe and appropriate way. Maybe you shove it down. Maybe you’re withdrawn. Embarrassed to be experiencing a certain feeling in front of your child. And so, that feeling stays within you. Now, when you have another need that’s not met (maybe it’s just the same one need that’s not getting met) and you don’t recognize and verbally express this need to another, then you’re becoming a hotbed for the eventual eruption of anger. We just don’t know how or when your anger will finally erupt.
One thing’s for sure. Most parents are shocked at the level and intensity of their anger, when it finally rears it’s head. And, really, that’s why we teach and use the tools of nonviolent, authentic parenting whenever possible so that you’re able to relieve any big, uncomfortable feelings that have been pent up inside before they erupt and become anger towards yourself, your child or directed towards other loved ones in your life.
Even though I use the tools that we teach every day with my son, I was so shocked when my anger emerged this past week from a deep place within me – a place that I didn’t know existed up until now.
It was such a simple scenario that I got angry about with my son that it’s almost laughable now for me to recall it. We were at an indoor play place and all of us had just had a great night dancing and chasing each other around. It was getting late and I realized that I began to feel anxious about trying to get my son to leave and to sleep for the night. It always seems like the later it gets, the more he wants to explore. This night was no exception.
He was just being his curious self, wanting to explore the paintings on the walls as I tried desperately to get him to put his pants on so that we could leave. The moment somehow completely consumed me and I didn’t even notice that small pit of anger building in my stomach as he repeatedly ignored me time and time again.
Finally, out of what seemed like nowhere, I raised my voice, ‘Get your pants on now!’
He had never heard that tone from me and I’ll never forget his expression of complete and utter shock. Seems to be burned into my memory.
I realized in that moment what I was doing and immediately began the process of ‘repairing the rupture,’ a deep and restorative process that you can use at anytime with your child to heal your relationship, bring back connection and develop emotional intelligence.
Because it wasn’t about his pants. It’s not about the scenarios that we find ourselves in with our children. It’s almost always about ourselves and our reactions. 99.9% of the time, your reaction to your child is about some feeling or unconscious belief pattern that you are experiencing intensely in the moment. And, sometimes, we need these kinds of moments to bring us into full awareness of our feelings and the full impact that our strong reactions have on our children.
I immediately realized that I had temporarily broken the connection with my son when my anger erupted that night and I became painfully aware of my humanity. That I wasn’t perfect. No matter how many times I teach and practice these tools, there are moments that act as a huge wake up call and this was certainly one of them!
So, repairing the rupture. What is it?
It’s all about re-connecting with your child. It’s about re-establishing the trust and security to be able to authentically talk about your feelings and your child’s feelings around what just happened.
Question is: Are you ready to be authentic?
‘I was feeling really frustrated because it seemed like you weren’t listening to me so I screamed. I imagine that must’ve been scary and shocking for you. Was it?’ Conversation is open now.
Yes,’ he replies, sensing my sincerity. The compassion has begun to flow once again ever so slowly back into our relationship.
‘I didn’t like when you said that to me,’ he offers.
‘Yes, I so understand. I wouldn’t have liked to hear that either in that way,’ I’m getting into his world and trying to imagine what that must’ve been like for him.
‘I’m feeling hurt in my heart, ‘ he continues.
‘Yes,’ I offer, ‘I understand’. And continue asking him questions about his heart.
Until we come to a place where he relaxes and is ready to once again receive the empathy that I’m now offering him.
When all has calmed down, I’m experiencing the urge to come to some sort of plan.
‘I’m willing to do something differently next time,’ I look him directly in his eyes. ‘ I’m willing to take a moment and breathe the next time I’m feeling that kind of stress so that I don’t yell.’
He seems to understand and offers up a hug. ‘Ok,’ he says and nuzzles into my chest as I hug him tight.
What I’m realizing now is that it takes a huge well of patience, compassion and the willingness to ‘repair the rupture’ when anger is present. Yet, it’s truly the core of what needs to happen between you and your child if you are to restore that deep connection, sense of trust and security between the two of you.
‘Repairing the rupture’ isn’t about fixing the situation. It’s about being real with your emotions and authentically willing to hear about your child’s emotions, without you trying to fix them or make them any better than how they appear to be.
I realized that night last week that I’m human. And, as a human, I have a wide range of emotions inside. Emotions that I never really thought that I had before.
‘I feel love in my heart again….’ He offered once the storm had passed and we both had calmed down.
Love is healing. Love is rejuvenative. The force of compassion is great and just like the deep and wide ocean, it’s definitely a force to be reckoned with if you’re willing to be real, to be authentic with what’s really going on inside.
Can You Keep It Simple?
Having dinner with a friend last week who has this innate ability to tap into the present moment and appreciate it so much that you 
tend to forget somehow that anything else exists BUT this moment. It’s a crazy beautiful skill that I wish I could clone.
In the middle of dinner, he mentions the word KISS. No, not a kiss in the traditional sense. He explained to me that the acronym stood for ‘Keep It Simple Stupid’. His best advice to me for the evening.
It sounded a bit silly at the time but that acronym has really been sticking with me and now, flowing over into my one on one sessions with parents.
We all try so hard as parents to understand our children and make sense of this incredibly life-changing process taking place called ‘raising a child’. Every experience you’d like to have with your child, every connection, every moment that you’d like to hold in your heart forever. For many of us, as parents, we wish for time to just stop for a moment. How can you possibly grasp all that is happening in the great cycle of life?
And, that’s where I see ‘Keep It Simple’ entering the picture.
Simply put, your child really wants your full attention. All of it. And I’m not talking just about your presence. (‘cause we talk an awful lot about that over here) I’m talking about another kind of attention.
Keeping it simple means being clearing the path to actually have that kind of attention for yourself and your child.
And, clearing the path means getting real with four things in your life:
Your intentions for the qualities that you’d like to develop in your child
Your commitment to modeling these qualities in yourself. (ha! Easier said than done sometimes!)
An awareness of where you may be getting stuck or reacting strongly with your child….what are your trigger points?
Getting help to move beyond those blockages so that you can expand your presence with your child and keep on keeping it simple!
When you’re feeling confused or lost as a parent, you may actually be experiencing a loop of negative self-talk or beliefs. These thought loops often no longer serve you and will keep you on an endless rollercoaster of self-sabotaging behavior.
I spoke with the most wonderful mom yesterday who was really taking the care and attention to make sure that she was being fully present with her son. Yet, in her head, her efforts were never enough. She had these incessant thought loops playing in her mind of ‘it’s never good enough’ and ‘I could’ve done better.’
While they seemed like valid thoughts to her at the time, these thoughts were noticeably taking this mom out of the present moment with her child. And the funny thing is that she’s not alone! Not at all.
We are all experiencing some kind of thought loop all the time. Question is whether or not the current thought loop is really serving you in experiencing your deepest joy, your unbridled passion, fulfillment, love, connection, and above all, your sense of security from the inside out to truly express the most authentic you. Whew! Guess it’s quite a big question!
The expression of who you are emerges in life over time and throughout the space of your connections with others. Your child is calling forth the fullest expression of you in every moment, whether you’re aware of this or not. And you have the unique opportunity to rise to the occasion.
So often we want to run from those very difficult emotions that may be causing us pain, hurt, or confusion. Yet, if you can sit long enough in the full expression of that feeling, without reacting immediately, you’ll receive the gift that lies underneath and that gift has the possibility to transform you.
Feelings cause us to expand who we are and what we think about life.
Let your intuition guide you and ‘keep it simple’. There is a deeper expression of love, patience…of trust longing to emerge.
Just When You Thought Your Feelings Would Last Forever
Originally entitled: ‘The Space Between A Feeling And A Recurring Thought’ (you’ll find out why) 
Your mind is an incredibly powerful force. And so is your child’s mind. There are forces within your mind that fuel your thoughts. Studies say that we only use about 10 % of our brains, which leaves one to wonder about that other 90%. Yet, even with just that 10% , you are able to perpetuate a certain feeling within your body for a very long time…possibly even forever.
How? Ever wonder why a tantrum (yours or your child’s) can last for what seems like forever?
As it turns out, our minds are very good storytellers. All day long, your mind is busy at work coming up with stories about yourself, other people, situations….whatever you’re thinking about at any certain moment. And the funny thing is that, you are apt to keep telling yourself the same stories over and over.
Which, I suppose, could be very amusing, if the stories you’re telling are all about bliss, humor,, love, prosperity, harmony and all those yummy things. If you tell yourself these kind of stories, then your reward is that you very often have feelings of bliss, love, prosperity and harmony – very calming and wonderful feelings that can actually release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone throughout your body.
Your body reacts on a physiological level to every thought that runs through your mind by creating a feeling within your system.
Feelings then last traditionally for a minute and a half, according to certain studies.
Yet, it’s the re-telling of your ‘stories’- your recurring thoughts, that will keep your feelings running for more than a minute and a half.
A feeling will last for 90 seconds and it will last longer IF you keep feeding it with your thoughts. An emotion is prolonged by your story….. (NOT by what’s actually happening).
Whatever you tell yourself about what’s happening is what your body believes is true!!
So, it might look like this:
Your partner doesn’t listen to you after you’ve had a really tough day and you just needed a comforting ear. So, the thought, ‘He’s so insensitive’ begins to form in your mind, then as that thought takes shape and you think it over and over, your mind finds its’ way to the formation of a full story to back it up: ‘Come to think of it, he never listens to me…it’s always about him. He has the ego the size of a mountain. It’s always about him! This is a losing battle….I’ll never get any attention…What about me?’
You get the picture.
So now, you have a full-blown story echoing through your mind and a pretty great feeling bubbling up from deep within.
Your body will believe whatever your mind says.
It’s the story that you keep telling yourself in your head that perpetuates the anger, the frustration, anxiousness, or disappointment.
The story intensifies the emotion.
You are feeding your emotion with your story. And your child is doing the same.
So, what does it take to shift out of any story that is fueling some of these ‘negative’ emotions?
It takes an act of mindfulness. Radical mindfulness practiced over and over again so that the mind recognizes how to shift out of a patterned story that has become ingrained over time.
At any moment you can stop a patterned story but it takes being radically mindful, being aware, before you can shift it.
What does radical mindfulness look like?
It looks like BEING with a feeling, no matter what it looks like.
When I was in labor with my son for 21 hours, during every contraction, my doula was at my side whispering into my ear, ‘Go to the center of the pain. Meet it head on. Don’t run. Meet it! Go to the center and meet it.’
And going through labor this way, just being with the incredible feelings/pain brought me through the fire and transformed me in a way that nothing else could have. No drugs, just presence. And that kind of presence taught me that I was truly empowered to BE with anything.
For, this is what radical mindfulness with yourself and your child looks like too.
You can show up and be radically present with whatever emotion comes up, notice the sensation in your body and instead of running from it or perpetuating ‘negative’ stories in your mind, run straight to the center of the feeling and BE with it.
When you can BE with a feeling, you will notice that it melts away. They really are like waves in the ocean, coming in and rolling out, just as long as the dams of our minds don’t stop the flow with our stories.
Radical mindfulness teaches you that you can handle your own life, any story that arises in your mind…however big or scary or intense it may seem….you can ride the wave.
Howard Cushnir, in his book Unconditional Bliss, offers these two questions to bring you into radical mindfulness:
What is happening right now? Ex: I’m feeling really angry
Can I be with it? This helps you stay present with it
As we prepare to roll out our new parenting program filled with radical mindfulness, I’m reminded that we guide you to get exactly from the moment what you need to heal it.
Every moment with your child or your partner or anyone in your life has it’s own medicine.
You can begin by asking yourself, ‘What does this moment need?’
Patience? Forgiveness? Clarity? Deep listening? Empathy?
Listen within and let your heart guide you out of your ‘story.’
I Don’t Know What to Do With All This…
The volcano burst forth the other day like it does on so many occasions and all of these big feelings and tears just poured down my 
son’s face. The burst of emotion caught me off guard and reminded me that I really had no idea in the moment where all of this emotion is coming from.
Sure, I could guess as a parent but really, there are just so many levels of intricate feelings happening within each experience that sometimes, it’s really hard to tell in the moment just why the volcano is bursting forth. As parents, we are usually so quick to go to a solution to just stop the emotion, stop the pain, stop this uncontrollable river of emotion overflowing.
Yet, the process of discovery is sometimes lost as we stumble quickly towards a solution. For within that one precious moment when the volcano finally explodes and the lava is overflowing all over the place, lies some great golden nugget of connection.
And your child is waiting for you- enticing you - to find that golden nugget, to dig deep and not let any piece of that gold go. You’re child longs to be discovered beneath everything. (here’s a secret: so do you!)
I’m learning that there are so many luscious surprises when we actually do go mining for gold.
For, as my son’s tears erupted all over his face, and I was feeling shocked at the suddenness of emotion, I chose to become a discoverer and just be with him in the land of emotions.
I could see the fire, his frustration building up in his eyes….it was like he wanted to cry but was trapped in the actual crying process as if the crying wasn’t really him but that it was a part of him that he didn’t quite understand.
So, while wrapped in cloaks of emotion, from deep within himself, he looked helplessly into my eyes and a small voice emerged:
‘Mommy, I don’t know what to do with all of this.’ It was one of those moments that stops your heart. Know what I mean? It was just so honest, so raw….so…so….human.
He said it again as if to reinforce that it really WAS something that he was struggling with – the enormity of an emotion riding through his body. And he really didn’t know what to do with ‘ALL of this.’
If you get really honest with yourself, isn’t this how you feel too at times when your emotions are coming up so strong and so big for you? Sure, it’s easy to push them away and easily distract ourselves. But, if you were to really sit with your biggest feeling – sit right in the middle of the fire of the volcano bursting forth – and just BE there, you would probably utter something of the same.
‘I Don’t Know What To Do With ALL of this!’
Big feelings are like these gigantic boulders that come rolling through our bodies (and our lives.) And often, they completely knock us over, allowing little space for recovery.
Remember the last argument you had? What was fueling it? Could you really stop the volcano of anger, sadness or disappointment from exploding once the lava begins to push forth from the depths of the mountain?
Maybe you could but like it or not, explosions often happen yet our gold of the moment – that gold of connection lies in our ability to recognize that there is a great awareness wanting to give birth.
For, that’s what awareness does. It lets us know that whatever feeling you may be experiencing in the moment is not really you. Whatever explosion is happening with your child, awareness allows you to remember that deep inside your child, he/she is also wondering, ‘What do I do with all of this?’
And as the volcano explodes and the tears run down your child’s face and your child doesn’t know ‘what to do with all of this’ – with all of this sadness, with all of this anger, with all of this confusion, with all of this love, with all of this anxiousness- this deeper part of your child is calling out to be freed and known by you.
Because it’s that deeper part of your child that, in fact, does know what to do in the heat of the moment.
It’s that deeper part of your child – your child’s soul- that knows exactly what to do.
It’s your child’s soul- the awareness of love within your child’s soul- that knows it’s time for a great emotional release to happen. Time for the volcano to explode. Time for the lava to spill out everywhere. Time to make a mess.
And it’s the awareness of love within your soul that can let your child know that it’s ok. Let the volcano explode. Let the lava run. I’ll be right here by your side.
Could parenting really be ALL about you?
You know how ‘they’ say ‘wherever you go, there you are.’? Well, I’m finding that it’s truer and truer these days….especially in parenting!
Funny, as I’m writing this, I’m recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final ‘fire’ happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight ‘A’ student in school and did great on tests . (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my ‘test’ and was asked by my ‘manager’ to leave the company as a result.
When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here.
My son had just returned from his dad’s house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn’t ‘passing’ the parenting ‘test’ as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another.
Truth is there really isn’t any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we’re supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don’t ‘look’ like they’re supposed to look and that’s ok. Actually, it’s more than ‘ok.’
Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you’re being ‘tested’.
And during your parenting ‘test’, you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly ‘normal’ and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, ‘pass the test.’
Passing the parenting test doesn’t mean that you get straight ‘A’s.’ No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn’t come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings.
Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments:
You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can ‘sit back’ and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a ‘negative’ thought about yourself or your parenting.
Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening.
Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children.
Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is.
If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a ‘letting go’ of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success.
So, what is ‘success’ , really?
For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it’s making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child.
Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what’s really going on for you and he can share what’s alive for him, then there is a magic that happens.
And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child.
So, what’s going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn’t go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn’t ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention.
What do you feel when your child doesn’t meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment?
I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now.
Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent.
It’s in those moments when you can get really ‘real’ with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed.
Kids are perception magnets. They’re picking up on everything…especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well.
That’s why I believe it’s time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship?
Millionaires often say that it’s really not about the millions that they have now, but it’s about the person they became in the process of getting the millions.
Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.
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