Can You Keep It Simple?
Having dinner with a friend last week who has this innate ability to tap into the present moment and appreciate it so much that you 
tend to forget somehow that anything else exists BUT this moment. It’s a crazy beautiful skill that I wish I could clone.
In the middle of dinner, he mentions the word KISS. No, not a kiss in the traditional sense. He explained to me that the acronym stood for ‘Keep It Simple Stupid’. His best advice to me for the evening.
It sounded a bit silly at the time but that acronym has really been sticking with me and now, flowing over into my one on one sessions with parents.
We all try so hard as parents to understand our children and make sense of this incredibly life-changing process taking place called ‘raising a child’. Every experience you’d like to have with your child, every connection, every moment that you’d like to hold in your heart forever. For many of us, as parents, we wish for time to just stop for a moment. How can you possibly grasp all that is happening in the great cycle of life?
And, that’s where I see ‘Keep It Simple’ entering the picture.
Simply put, your child really wants your full attention. All of it. And I’m not talking just about your presence. (‘cause we talk an awful lot about that over here) I’m talking about another kind of attention.
Keeping it simple means being clearing the path to actually have that kind of attention for yourself and your child.
And, clearing the path means getting real with four things in your life:
Your intentions for the qualities that you’d like to develop in your child
Your commitment to modeling these qualities in yourself. (ha! Easier said than done sometimes!)
An awareness of where you may be getting stuck or reacting strongly with your child….what are your trigger points?
Getting help to move beyond those blockages so that you can expand your presence with your child and keep on keeping it simple!
When you’re feeling confused or lost as a parent, you may actually be experiencing a loop of negative self-talk or beliefs. These thought loops often no longer serve you and will keep you on an endless rollercoaster of self-sabotaging behavior.
I spoke with the most wonderful mom yesterday who was really taking the care and attention to make sure that she was being fully present with her son. Yet, in her head, her efforts were never enough. She had these incessant thought loops playing in her mind of ‘it’s never good enough’ and ‘I could’ve done better.’
While they seemed like valid thoughts to her at the time, these thoughts were noticeably taking this mom out of the present moment with her child. And the funny thing is that she’s not alone! Not at all.
We are all experiencing some kind of thought loop all the time. Question is whether or not the current thought loop is really serving you in experiencing your deepest joy, your unbridled passion, fulfillment, love, connection, and above all, your sense of security from the inside out to truly express the most authentic you. Whew! Guess it’s quite a big question!
The expression of who you are emerges in life over time and throughout the space of your connections with others. Your child is calling forth the fullest expression of you in every moment, whether you’re aware of this or not. And you have the unique opportunity to rise to the occasion.
So often we want to run from those very difficult emotions that may be causing us pain, hurt, or confusion. Yet, if you can sit long enough in the full expression of that feeling, without reacting immediately, you’ll receive the gift that lies underneath and that gift has the possibility to transform you.
Feelings cause us to expand who we are and what we think about life.
Let your intuition guide you and ‘keep it simple’. There is a deeper expression of love, patience…of trust longing to emerge.
I Thought I Was The Only One
*Your child is supposed to cooperate and ‘act good’ for the most part. *
*Your child is supposed to B-E-H-A-V-E.*
*Especially in public and especially around others! *
Have you ever experienced these kinds of expectations?
C’mon. Admit it. Maybe just once…or twice during your day? Especially in the throes of a tantrum or a positively LOUD outburst of emotion.
Your child is kicking you. Not just once or twice. And not so lightly but he’s lashing out at both you and your husband and you don’t know what to do anymore.
Why doesn’t he just BEHAVE? How do we get him to stop?
And, OMG, he just did it in front of my parents and I got the biggest lecture of my life about how WE never did THAT as kids. The insinuations fly. Your mind starts to race. ‘Wow, I must be a pretty horrible parent. I mean, why CAN’T I control our son? Why does he always do THAT in public? Something is drastically WRONG here. He’s not showing me any RESPECT. I’ll show HIM…’
On and on, your mind races, not giving you any reprieve. They say that the mind is a great servant and a horrible master. Once your mind takes the driver seat of negative thoughts about your parenting, the road could seem endless.
The endless loop of self-sabotaging, negative thoughts during these challenging parenting moments could send any of us parents into a downward spiral of disconnection and the need to just control our children, especially when we’re out in public… with friends and family.
You may have felt this before. That pressure to just control your child at whatever the cost because all eyes are on you. You have the child who’s ‘acting out’, who’s ‘misbehaving.’
So, you make a choice about how to navigate the situation. Maybe you quietly remove your child. Maybe you try ‘shushing’ him. Maybe you try disciplining him. Maybe you relegate him to a ‘time out’. Maybe your heart is really racing. Maybe you’re feeling embarrassed, ashamed, incompetent. Maybe you lose your cool.
Whatever you choose to do, one thing is for certain: You are not alone.
All across the world at that exact moment, thousands of other parents are experiencing similar situations with their child. They are wondering why this is happening. Why won’t my child just behave ‘normal’ like all of the ‘other’ children?
Yet, sometimes we define our self-worth as parents by how great or not so great our child is behaving and here’s where the spiral of silence is created and perpetuated.
For who wants to be looked at as a ‘bad parent’? Or that you can’t ‘control your child’? So, we struggle in silence through all of these emotionally-charged moments, experiencing our own negative thoughts , reacting to our child’s emotions with a punishment or consequence, and, in the end, feeling so alone.
Like you’re the only parent in the world who must be having this difficulty, who’s child is not acting ‘normal’. Everyone other family who you’ve seen seems to have it all ‘under control’.
There seems to be a universal theme in talking with parents this past week:
‘I’m alone. I’m the only one who is dealing with this kind of behavior right now. It’s not normal. I must be doing something wrong here. ’
The flood of negative and lonely thoughts that begin in that moment for parents can be so strong and so real, yet there is something else happening here.
We are beginning to embrace a false ideal of what ‘normal’ is….what ‘normal behavior’ looks like. The definition of ‘normal behavior’ has been passed down through generations. It’s in the cells of our body. In our body’s memory. Definitions of ‘normal’ have seeped their way into our DNA, taking hold in our group consciousness becoming part of our vocabulary.
‘Normal’ becomes some intangible ideal that is mutually-agreed upon, yet not really attainable…in the REAL world of parenting, that is.
Because here your child is screaming, crying, lashing out, kicking you repeatedly, and above all, not listening to a word you say.
And here you are, in that moment of high intensity, feeling frustrated, angry, confused, sad, helpless, and incompetent. You’re not feeling that ‘normal’. And really, nobody does as a parent in those moments.
Feelings are big and they’re messy. They don’t appear for many of us as ‘normal’. Especially when they appear to be so BIG in our children. Your child’s big feelings can absolutely rock your world and leave you feeling like you just don’t know what to do anymore.
Now, that you’re not feeling that normal anymore, I want to share a secret with you.
…..nobody is.
And the next secret….
Your child’s feelings and your feelings are what is completely ‘normal’.
Ready for another?
Your child’s and your strong feelings in those moments will unlock the door to deep connection and natural cooperation if you let them.
Here’s where the new ‘normal’ is emerging and it’s called being ‘natural.’
Being natural with your child and his/her emotions is all about embracing compassion. Being natural is about listening to each other and not jumping to conclusions about the other. It’s about being present in the moment with whatever is happening and not caring what others are thinking about you.
Nature isn’t self-conscious. It grows and dies and goes through whatever cycle is necessary at that time to support the great cycle of creation. And so it is with you.
You exist within nature and as a parent, you have now entered the greatest cycle of creation imaginable.
You are creating life in every moment. Offering thoughts and feelings and ways of behaving as models for your child. You are modeling nature, whether or not you’re aware of this.
So, the next time those feelings well up inside of you because of something that you’re child has done or not done, remember ‘this is natural’….this is completely natural…in fact, it’s even more than natural..it’s necessary.
Can You Really Prepare Yourself For Any Moment? The Beauty of Holding Space
Ok, time to pull back the curtain and let you in on a little secret of mine. Actually two little secrets….
I speak a lot about parenting and I work with a lot of parents and couples. Sometimes, I’m venturing into relationship and family situations that can be quite volatile.
We deal a lot with feelings. And mostly, the BIG kind of feelings. The kind that shake and rattle your nerves. Feelings that most of us would rather run away from. I know I often have that desire.
Yet, one of the things that I do (and we talk a lot about) is to stay and BE with the feelings and the person who is having those big feelings. Just to BE by his/her side.
Why?
Because when you can stay with someone during those big feelings, you are creating a deep sense of safety, trust, and security that will ultimately define the quality of your connection with that person (or child).
So, how do I go into the fire of those intense emotions with children, couples and families and not get ‘burned’ or burned out?
Lately, I’ve been feeling this burning desire to let you in on these two little secrets of mine because they have so served me in every situation I’m in, especially when things get heated or potentially volatile.
My two secrets? Well, the first one is called ‘holding space’.
Holding space is something that I do every day in every situation. It’s something that you can do before you enter a situation with your child (or anyone) or while you’re within the situation and you’re needing some help or guidance.
Holding space requires a bit of thought. It starts with setting an intention.
What quality would you like to emerge here in this next interaction? Would you like your next moment with your child to be filled with love? Connection? Fun?
This is all about you setting the tone for your interaction.
Before I approach any situation, conversation, or interaction with anybody (including my 4 year old son), I always ask myself what kind of space I’d like to hold for this situation or for this person.
Do I really want connection here? Maybe clarity. Lightness, fun, play…maybe forgiveness.
Once I can answer this question for myself (this process takes about a minute), then I make a mental picture of a big container full of this quality. This is my container where I will hold the space of that connection , clarity, fun, play….whatever it may be. I’m going to hold this space for myself and for the other person to step into. I often imagine a gold-colored bucket or another colored shape.
Holding space doesn’t mean that you’re changing anyone. It just means that you’re creating the space to allow another to step into and BECOME this quality with you.
What’s it like to BE connection? How about clarity? Have you BEEN forgiveness lately?
When I invite people into these spaces, something magical occurs. These qualities of connection, fun, lightness, or laughter emerge in our interaction.
The trick is that it doesn’t always look how I expect it to look. That’s why I don’t really put any expectations on the actual interaction. I’m not, for example, thinking about how I want my child to behave. Or how I want my friend to respond to a certain situation. This isn’t about controlling behavior.
Holding space is about setting the tone of your moment and allowing another to step into that quality. Sometimes, they step in and sometimes not. The other person’s participation doesn’t stop you from setting the tone. You are setting your intention in every moment.
When I first started practicing this, it felt really overwhelming because I just didn’t know what quality I wanted to experience in every moment, throughout every interaction. Here’s where I discovered my second secret.
Whenever I would get stuck and not know what quality I’d like to bring to a situation or a person, I would just start asking myself.
What is this situation calling for? More love? Forgiveness? Humor? Connection?
Understanding?
My son is screaming. Help! What quality do I need to bring here?
Whatever the answer is, I first ask the question in my mind.
Then, after I hear the answer, I get to creating that space in my mind to hold that quality.
Our minds are extremely powerful and I’ve noticed that this practice of holding space triggers a part of the unconscious mind to work powerfully, even through all of the thinking of the conscious mind.
It goes like this. I’m going to pick him up at school after not seeing him for 2 days because he’s been at his dad’s house. I know that he will be in a ‘transitional time’ getting used to me and our connection again, so before I step foot into his school, I ask myself, ‘What kind of space shall I hold here? What is this situation calling forth within me?’
I’ll often hear the answer, ‘Connection.’ So, I imagine a big circle or bucket in my mind made up of the quality, ‘connection.’ I’m holding space for connection. I’ve become a listening for connection.
My conscious mind might completely forget about this intention, yet my unconscious mind is still holding this space and radiating that thought of connection throughout the space between me and my son.
So, you wanna know the results?
Every time I hold space with a quality (like BEING love, or forgiveness, or fun) for myself and anyone I’m with, then I notice that quality emerging. Every time. Without fail. Oftentimes, I’m surprised at how the quality that I had held space for – love, forgiveness, humor, etc. – is revealed in myself, my child, or whomever I’m with.
You are creating the context – a set of qualities – for your child to live into every day. In every moment. And it doesn’t have to do with your feelings as much. These contexts that we create – of understanding, compassion, forgiveness - are much bigger than your feelings….they are created within your mind, within your soul.
These are the spaces that you are holding and you have the unique capacity and opportunity to hold these spaces in every moment of your day, even as you walk through the fire…..especially as you walk through the fire of those big feelings with your child.
I Don’t Know What to Do With All This…
The volcano burst forth the other day like it does on so many occasions and all of these big feelings and tears just poured down my 
son’s face. The burst of emotion caught me off guard and reminded me that I really had no idea in the moment where all of this emotion is coming from.
Sure, I could guess as a parent but really, there are just so many levels of intricate feelings happening within each experience that sometimes, it’s really hard to tell in the moment just why the volcano is bursting forth. As parents, we are usually so quick to go to a solution to just stop the emotion, stop the pain, stop this uncontrollable river of emotion overflowing.
Yet, the process of discovery is sometimes lost as we stumble quickly towards a solution. For within that one precious moment when the volcano finally explodes and the lava is overflowing all over the place, lies some great golden nugget of connection.
And your child is waiting for you- enticing you - to find that golden nugget, to dig deep and not let any piece of that gold go. You’re child longs to be discovered beneath everything. (here’s a secret: so do you!)
I’m learning that there are so many luscious surprises when we actually do go mining for gold.
For, as my son’s tears erupted all over his face, and I was feeling shocked at the suddenness of emotion, I chose to become a discoverer and just be with him in the land of emotions.
I could see the fire, his frustration building up in his eyes….it was like he wanted to cry but was trapped in the actual crying process as if the crying wasn’t really him but that it was a part of him that he didn’t quite understand.
So, while wrapped in cloaks of emotion, from deep within himself, he looked helplessly into my eyes and a small voice emerged:
‘Mommy, I don’t know what to do with all of this.’ It was one of those moments that stops your heart. Know what I mean? It was just so honest, so raw….so…so….human.
He said it again as if to reinforce that it really WAS something that he was struggling with – the enormity of an emotion riding through his body. And he really didn’t know what to do with ‘ALL of this.’
If you get really honest with yourself, isn’t this how you feel too at times when your emotions are coming up so strong and so big for you? Sure, it’s easy to push them away and easily distract ourselves. But, if you were to really sit with your biggest feeling – sit right in the middle of the fire of the volcano bursting forth – and just BE there, you would probably utter something of the same.
‘I Don’t Know What To Do With ALL of this!’
Big feelings are like these gigantic boulders that come rolling through our bodies (and our lives.) And often, they completely knock us over, allowing little space for recovery.
Remember the last argument you had? What was fueling it? Could you really stop the volcano of anger, sadness or disappointment from exploding once the lava begins to push forth from the depths of the mountain?
Maybe you could but like it or not, explosions often happen yet our gold of the moment – that gold of connection lies in our ability to recognize that there is a great awareness wanting to give birth.
For, that’s what awareness does. It lets us know that whatever feeling you may be experiencing in the moment is not really you. Whatever explosion is happening with your child, awareness allows you to remember that deep inside your child, he/she is also wondering, ‘What do I do with all of this?’
And as the volcano explodes and the tears run down your child’s face and your child doesn’t know ‘what to do with all of this’ – with all of this sadness, with all of this anger, with all of this confusion, with all of this love, with all of this anxiousness- this deeper part of your child is calling out to be freed and known by you.
Because it’s that deeper part of your child that, in fact, does know what to do in the heat of the moment.
It’s that deeper part of your child – your child’s soul- that knows exactly what to do.
It’s your child’s soul- the awareness of love within your child’s soul- that knows it’s time for a great emotional release to happen. Time for the volcano to explode. Time for the lava to spill out everywhere. Time to make a mess.
And it’s the awareness of love within your soul that can let your child know that it’s ok. Let the volcano explode. Let the lava run. I’ll be right here by your side.
Can You Truly Forgive Your Child?
Our children are always pushing our buttons. Doesn’t it just seem that they’re specifically designed to do so?
We talk a lot in our classes about connection. Deep connection. We live and breathe connection, making it the intention within communications with our children. Yet, you’re the parent. Don’t you always know what’s right for your child and what’s not?
Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to have the last say about everything?
Well, maybe yes, but if you are truly interested in connecting with your child, then the answer to that last question would be a definitive ‘NO.’
Connection is all about cooperation. It’s about taking the journey together. And the trick is, as a parent, that you might just have to give up being right or knowing the answer within a situation in order to connect with your child.
What’s more important? Being right or connecting?
The journey of learning –gathering the tools to learn- is a journey of discovery and exploration. If you are to connect –deeply connect with your child- then this journey must be done together.
You and your child exploring and discovering new lands – new ideas, concepts, actions, ways of being and most of all, discovering each other.
But, how do you get to the feeling of being a curious explorer when your buttons are being pushed for the umpteenth time and the urge to just tell your child what to do and what to do next and what to do next is welling up inside of you, threatening to explode into the space between you and your child? (Whew! That was a mouthful!)
We need to drastically shift our mindset as parents if we really want to connect with our children and engage in that co-creative relationship with them.
The mindset we need to adopt, you might ask?
Wonder.
Wonderment.
That place where you just marvel and wonder about something.
Are you willing to be in a place of wonder?
When we stand in that place of wonderment together, then universes open up to the infinite possibilities of connection that now lay before us. Wonderment offers you a space where anything is possible.
Remember being a kid and just wondering whether something you did would cause something else? All of those endless hours of experimentation with all sorts of things, situations, and communication?
We are naturally in a state of constant wonderment and exploration as a child. It’s infectious. It’s the core of learning.
And the greatest learning that we have to do here in this life – the greatest opportunity we have to grow spiritually and emotionally is with each other. In relationship.
What makes you tick? What ticks you off? What excites you? Moves you to passion? Or passionately moves you away from your child (or anyone else) ?
What is your child trying to learn about you in this moment?
And what can you learn about your child in this moment?
A very accomplished entrepreneurial mom asked me the other day if it was possible for her to repair some of the ‘disconnection’ that happened with her children (ages 7-12) during the time that she was working full time and going through a divorce. Once the patterns of disconnection are ‘set in place’, is there really any way to establish that sense of trust, safety and intimacy that’s possible to have between a parent and child?
‘Isn’t it too late?’ she asked.
And I blurted out my answer based in brain science (because that’s where my brain went in that moment!): ‘No, it’s never too late because the brain has neuroplasticity, which means that our brains, at any moment, can grow and change and learn new patterns.
Upon deeper reflection of her question today, I might add, “Hmmm, I wonder.” And then, invite her to step into that place of wonder with me.
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can really embrace my child for all that she/he is and all that she/he is not.”
“Hmmm, I wonder if my child is really capable of cooperating with me?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I could really understand what my child is going through right now?”
“Hmmm, I wonder if I can truly forgive my child?”
With Christmas around the corner, we are reminded of the incredible energy and teachings of Jesus around forgiveness.
So, here is my invitation to you.
I invite you to step into a place of wonderment now with your child and just notice if anything new opens up.
Maybe your greatest present that you’ll receive this holiday is the gift of true presence.
Could parenting really be ALL about you?
You know how ‘they’ say ‘wherever you go, there you are.’? Well, I’m finding that it’s truer and truer these days….especially in parenting!
Funny, as I’m writing this, I’m recalling a dream that I just had last night where I kept getting fired from my job, then asked to return. Over and over again. Until the final ‘fire’ happened because I had scored miserably on a standardized test that all employees were asked to take. The irony of this dream is that I was practically a straight ‘A’ student in school and did great on tests . (mostly because I could memorize stuff!) Yet, in my dream, I had just failed my ‘test’ and was asked by my ‘manager’ to leave the company as a result.
When I awoke and reflected upon the dream, I realized how I was really seeing a window into my parenting world here.
My son had just returned from his dad’s house yesterday and throughout the day, I noticed that my mind was wandering into thoughts about failure, thinking that I wasn’t ‘passing’ the parenting ‘test’ as my son moved through this transition time from one home to another.
Truth is there really isn’t any test. Expectations of how we are supposed to feel or what we’re supposed to be doing in any parenting moment are often where our greatest stress lies as parents (and as people). Sometimes, things just don’t ‘look’ like they’re supposed to look and that’s ok. Actually, it’s more than ‘ok.’
Parenting will really cause you to grow as a person in ways that you have never ever experienced before and at times, you will feel like you’re being ‘tested’.
And during your parenting ‘test’, you may have lots of new and unfamiliar feelings emerge. These feelings are all perfectly ‘normal’ and you are in exactly the right place. Just by noticing and identifying that you are having these feelings is allowing yourself the space to really, authentically, ‘pass the test.’
Passing the parenting test doesn’t mean that you get straight ‘A’s.’ No, this test is somewhat different. This test doesn’t come with grades. It comes with moments and feelings. Sometimes, LOTS of feelings.
Three helpful reminders to remember during your moments:
You are not your mind. Your mind will continue on with thoughts that may or may not serve you. You can ‘sit back’ and watch your thoughts, then thank your mind for sharing and move on with your day. This is especially effective if you happen to have a ‘negative’ thought about yourself or your parenting.
Feel into your body and just notice where you are feeling stress. Focus your attention for a moment on this area and breathe into it. Imagine that area of your body softening.
Think of a word to express the way you are feeling. Knowing how to express your feelings is the first step towards learning and then, teaching emotional intelligence with your children.
Remember, a moment can never be good or bad, it just is.
If you can move into those moments with your child, when you may be feeling like a horrible failure, with authenticity and a ‘letting go’ of any idea of failure, then you may just find your greatest success.
So, what is ‘success’ , really?
For some, success means making it through the day. For others, it’s making sure that all of the peas and carrots are off the plate. And yet for some of you, parenting success comes when your child accomplishes something. However, for all of us, deep within our hearts as parents, success comes when you are deeply connected with your child.
Whenever you open your heart to your child and get real with your child about what’s really going on for you and he can share what’s alive for him, then there is a magic that happens.
And that magic is the juice of life. That magic is your source of connection with your child.
So, what’s going on inside of you, how do you truly feel in those moments that everything doesn’t go exactly as planned? Maybe the dinner isn’t ready exactly on time tonight or you ignore your child when you should have been paying attention.
What do you feel when your child doesn’t meet up to your expectations of him/her? Or your expectations of the moment?
I believe these are the deeper questions that are calling out to you now.
Deep inside you is a yearning to succeed as a parent.
It’s in those moments when you can get really ‘real’ with yourself and reveal the truth about your feelings of failure, that the world shifts. And you begin to succeed.
Kids are perception magnets. They’re picking up on everything…especially you. Whenever you shift your inner world, then your relationship with your child shifts as well.
That’s why I believe it’s time to really delve inside, now more than ever before and really take a look at yourself and your parenting as we move into a new year. What would you like to change? What would you like to keep? What would you like to truly offer your child within your relationship?
Millionaires often say that it’s really not about the millions that they have now, but it’s about the person they became in the process of getting the millions.
Your millions are waiting. This is your moment. Enjoy your becoming.
So, What’s Up With All This Anger?
I was just sitting on my bed last night with my 4-year old son playing behind me when all of a sudden, ‘Whack!’ A punch delivered right between my shoulder blades, in the back of my ‘heart’ totally knocked the wind out of me. I turned abruptly in shock. 
Ok, well… quasi-shock. He had been unusually quiet and ‘moody’ ever since picking him up from school and I knew that something was up. So, here it was. Here was the release. I just wasn’t expecting it in THAT moment.
Isn’t it always like that, though?
Do we ever really know when emotions will release and allow us into an understanding of what’s REALLY going on underneath the surface?
Here’s where you will really get to know your child but only if you’re willing AND only if you’re really listening.
Our kids (and us, too!) have so many levels of emotions that they go through in a day. Many of these deeper emotions are building up inside, just looking for a way to release. I know some of you may be thinking, ‘Yea, but I’m not ready (or willing) to be the punching bag for my kid’s emotions.’
And, here’s where so many of us as parents get tripped up.
Why?
Because it’s very hard to remember in the moment when your child hurts you either physically or emotionally that it’s not about you.
I’ll say it again. It’s not about you.
This is one of the core lessons to remember in the practice of empathy and connected communication. In order to authentically connect with your child, discover what’s REALLY going on, and develop that lasting, deep bond of trust and safety with your child, you’re going to have to make a choice here in your thinking.
Choice A: Immediately reprimand, punish, or ‘correct’ your child’s behavior.
Choice B: Seek to understand the feelings and needs of your child (AND yourself) in that moment and then set the limit for what behavior ‘works’ in your family.
When we automatically dive into Choice A, we lose so much of the understanding and connection that’s actually possible during those moments. We don’t get to find out what’s REALLY going on.
Because those moments of release – even though they may look like a punch, a scream, a door slammed – are your moments of opportunity for connection. The ‘outbursts’ are windows into your child’s complex emotional realm.
Your child is crying out during those moments on a deeper level to be heard, to be acknowledged and ‘discovered.’ There are emotions on top of emotions on top of emotions just looking for a place to be expressed.
As the parent, you can provide that place.
When talking with a dear colleague last week, Genevieve Simperingham, she said it best, ‘it takes a while to get to the more vulnerable emotions.’
The more vulnerable emotions.
Sure, it’s easy to say that your child is ‘angry’ or ‘moody’ or whatever, but that is just the first level of an emotion that you’re seeing.
Anger, as we talk about in our Glide Program, is a compound emotion.
What does that mean?
A compound emotion means that there are levels of other emotions stirring underneath that simple expression or outburst of anger. It’s actually taken a while for the emotion of anger to come bubbling to the surface because there are underlying, more vulnerable emotions that eventually call the anger forth.
Here is where the true ‘meat’ of connection lies. Want to find out what’s really going on with your child?
Be available and willing to dive into these moments with an open heart.
So, was I just punched in the back for no reason whatsoever? Probably the mind of a four-year old just ‘being bad’, some may say.
But I had chosen ‘Choice B’ in that moment and as difficult as it was (with a throbbing back), I kept telling myself that there was more here than meets the eye. I became this curious explorer in search of some treasure. I wanted to know the story behind the story – why my sensitive, funny and curious little guy had suddenly turned moody and withdrawn.
Ever since I had picked him up with school, he seemed distant – not really wanting to connect or play like we usually do at that time of day. Then, upon arriving home, he was screaming and lashing out at my friend’s two young children. I knew something was up, but couldn’t really get to the core of it until the punch.
The punch opened up those other vulnerable emotions for him because I chose ‘Choice B’ – I chose to be vulnerable with him in that ‘punch’ moment and express my feelings first.
‘Ow! That really hurt! (pause to catch my breath) Whoa! I’m feeling shocked! I’m so sad. Why did you punch me?’
And then, from the deepest well within my son’ heart, the more vulnerable feelings and details about his day began to emerge. Soon, I learned that his friend had pushed him again at school and that he had done ‘bad things’ back to his friend.
I remembered that this is pre-school but our conversation could have really been taking place with a child of any age.
Because in that moment, I became so aware of the cycles of hurt. The cycles of ‘violence’ that are perpetuated throughout our lives, throughout our generations, and throughout our souls. One hurts another and the other hurts another and so on and so on.
Until the cycle stops.
The question is : how do we break the cycles of pain and hurt? How do we move into a more evolved way of communication?
How do we move beyond the existence of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ and realize that we’re all just people having very real life experiences?
Communication, true communication begins with vulnerability.
Those deeper, vulnerable emotions need to be given a voice and a space to release in a safe manner, free of blame, shame, manipulation, punishment or rewards. Here’s where the stuff underneath the stuff gets to come out and you really get to know yourself and your child.
This is the stuff that made the Velveteen Rabbit real or gave young Santiago the fortitude to go in search of his dream in The Alchemist. This is the stuff that true, authentic, long-lasting relationships are made of.
There is a well of underlying emotions beneath the surface just bubbling, ready to explode. This is the buried treasure within the heart of your child.
Go in search of the buried treasure and you just may find your child waiting there, longing to be discovered.
Getting Into Your Child’s World
As parents, we spend so much of our time living in our fast-paced worlds. Rushing about, we try to get everything done and parent at the same time. Honestly, I never knew just how busy I would be as a parent! Have you ever thought this? 
The amount of time and attention necessary when you become a parent is almost unimaginable until you’re there! It’s a steep learning curve in time management that will cause you to really examine how to make the best use of your time.
How much time do you work?
How much time to you spend doing ‘errands’?
How much time do you ‘play’?
How much time do you spend with your child?
And, for the million-dollar question: how much time do you spend getting into your child’s world?
Yes, your child’s world.
In our crazy-busy fast-paced world, have you taken a moment to truly step into your child’s world?
This past week over Thanksgiving, I had the incredible opportunity to spend five straight days with my son alone, just me and him, while his dad is away working in Thailand.
For a working mom, this was very unusual! Five straight days. I welcomed our time together and yet, at the beginning of our five days, I was feeling a bit anxious. Not because I didn’t have activities planned for he and I (sometimes, the activities involved just hanging out at home..ha!) but my trepidation and anxiousness came from the anticipation of my son getting to know me better. Imagine that.
We spend so much of our time ‘parenting’ our children yet, when we do have some great quality time, how much can you share of YOU with your child? Your child longs to know you – to know what you’re feeling yet, just to feel that vulnerability in sharing your feelings with your child can lead us into uncharted territories we may not be so ready to explore.
For most of us, we’re not used to sharing our feelings with our children. You may see this as ‘weak’ or ‘being his friend’ when you should be ‘being his/her parent’! Yet, the vocabulary of feelings (and needs) that we use and teach in our classes opens up windows into each others’ worlds….windows that may have otherwise remained closed.
The truth is that our worlds – the world that you live in and the world that you’re child lives in – are meant to be shared. Fully and deeply, without shame or apologies.
So, those five days with my son…what did I learn about myself?
I learned that I can open up more and share my world with my son. I learned that I can stop being the ‘Parent’ and just BE with my son, sharing my feelings and unique observations of each moment.
Each moment brought us deeper into this ongoing conversation that began to form a web of connection with funny words, ‘inside jokes’, recurring stories, moments of silence, and a deep abiding trust that we would be there for each other in the next moment.
Together, we were creating our own culture. The culture of our relationship.
And you have that same opportunity with your child. No need to travel to a foreign country. Your relationship with your child IS that other country where your language, play and customs are completely unique to both of you.
I also learned that my son lives in this incredible world. Yet, I only was able to really get a taste of his world by allowing my own world to slow down a bit and just BE with him, I started taking baby steps into his world and Wow! What a different perspective our children actually have!
I learned that my son lives in a world where:
Every moment is a new discovery.
Passion fuels every moment.
Moods are accepted and allowed to just be there. No need to apologize for anything. He is who he is and he feels what he feels.
Connection to others is paramount.
Love is readily accepted and received.
Every moment is miraculous and different from the last moment.
My son’s world really was a wonderful and exciting place to live when I was able to fully step into it and embrace it during our time together. And as I did so, our new ‘culture’, our new way of relating began to emerge. It was much slower, much more understanding, more vulnerable and above all, more loving.
We say it all the time in our classes. ‘Empathy is the act of stepping into your child’s shoes – seeing the world from his/her perspective.’
Now, I’m realizing that empathy really begins with me and you. We can be vulnerable and courageous first to share ourselves and step out of our own worlds and into the world of our children, even if just for a moment.
Letting Go Of Resistance: Finding the Yes Behind the No
As I emerged out of the bathroom last night only to find my son climbing and jumping from my desk, I let out a small shriek of surprise. There were a lot of glass objects right around where he had decided to play Tarzan and just the sight of that jump had my nerves standing on end.
But it was my reaction that really caught my son by surprise. And a big ol’ ’NO!’ slipped out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget my son’s reaction, which will forever be ingrained in my memory.
For after I told him that the desk was dangerous for him to jump off of, he turned to me with the most innocent, big questioning eyes and said, “Do you still love me?”
I had to ask him to repeat the question again because, honestly, I had never heard him ask me that before.
And he repeated, ‘Do you still love me?’
Wow. His words pierced right through to my heart. ’Yes! Of course I still love you!’ I replied grabbing him and hugging him. ’I will always love you!’ In hearing this, his smile beamed from ear to ear. You could feel his fulfillment and pure joy in that moment.
As I wondered more about this ‘No!’ that I was so quick to react with, I was quickly reminded that my reaction/response to my child has nothing to do with my child and everything to do with me! So, I engaged my son with our nonviolent tools of communication and we talked about what just happened, how we were both feeling about my reaction, and any future solutions we could come up with when he felt the urge to climb.
Normally, we have a different practice around here instead of me just saying ‘no!’ when my child does something that I don’t enjoy. Yet, last night, my nervous feelings got the best of me in that particular moment and I reacted with my big ol’ ’No!’
As parents, we’re often so quick to say ‘no’ to our children. After all, we know all the ‘rules’ and it’s our job to enforce them. Right?
Well, ‘no’, maybe not.
Have you noticed that your child may react to your ‘no’ with resistance? And my experience with resistance is that ‘resistance begets resistance.’ So, you may find yourself and your child engaged in some sort of battle of wits with all of the ‘no’s’.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some secret of connection that would head off this downward cycle before it even starts?
Well, guess what? There is.
There is a secret that will instantly connect you with your child and lay the foundation for future cooperation. The secret?
There is a ‘yes’ lurking behind the ‘no’.
Finding the ‘yes’ doesn’t mean that you acquiesce to your every child’s request. Quite the opposite. You are actually holding true to your ‘no’, your limit, yet, at the same time, you are acknowledging your child’s feelings and desires whenever he/she makes a request. Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ lets your child know that his/her feelings do matter, builds your child’s emotional intelligence and does worlds for your child’s self-esteem as well.
So, how does it look?
Let’s say it’s just after dinner, and your child has just thrown his ice cream all over the floor.
Instead of immediately responding with your ‘no’, you can validate your child’s desire for play and how throwing the ice cream makes your child feel. Here’s an example:
“Ice cream is really slimy, huh? It seems like it’s really fun to throw! You have a need to play, huh?
(hint: this is the ‘yes’) but we don’t throw ice cream because…..it makes the floor slippery and somebody may fall (or whatever your reason is…this is the ‘no’, your limit and should be in line with your personal/family values.)
Your child will either be ok with your explanation or he/she may have big feelings around your limit. And here’s where it’s helpful to remember the 3 reasons from my good friend and colleague, Marion Badenoch Rose:
‘When kids do things that we don’t enjoy, it’s because of 3 reasons’:
He/she has an unmet need
A need for information
A need to release painful feelings related to stress or trauma.
You may often experience your child’s tantrums or big feelings as causing some disconnection with you yet, your child is really trying to express something that lies deeper within and could actually cause a deeper connection and understanding between the two of you.
Finding the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’ and validating that ‘yes’ first allows for the connection and understanding between you and your child. You can still hold the limit and then use any of our Nonviolent parenting tools to honor your child’s big feelings and maintain the connection between you and your child, even during your child’s biggest emotional ‘storm’.
If you haven’t yet received our free 3-part video series on how to handle tantrums/big feelings using 5 Nonviolent Tools, go here: www.peaceofmindparenting.com/calm-your-child
And have fun with that ice-cream floor! I hear it’s great for skating 
Can You Release Your Expectations? This Moment Is Your Life
So, why would you ever want to release your expectations? Isn’t it your expectations that fuel your quality of life? Isn’t it your expectations of how your child should be acting that is defining your family values.
Maybe. But maybe not.
When you’re stressed about how everything SHOULD look or SHOULD be in a certain moment (hint: all of your expectations) then, guess what?
Your stress could actually be causing more disconnection between you and your child and guiding you further away from whatever you really want to teach/model for your child about communication, cooperation and honesty.
In order to connect with your child, both of you may just really be craving some good ol’ fashioned acceptance.
Acceptance? Yes, acceptance.
Can you really accept your child for everything he is and everything she’s not. Can you fully accept a moment for everything it is and everything it’s not?
In every moment of your life, whether you realize it or not, you are being guided by your unconscious beliefs and brain patterns. Now, you may have formed some very strong beliefs, some conscious and probably some very unconscious, about how you’re ‘supposed to act’ as a parent and how your child is ‘supposed to act’ as a child.
And it’s all of the ‘supposed to’s’ that may just be blocking you truly accepting yourself and truly accepting your child in every moment, now matter how wacky the moment may seem to be.
We are so quick to judge our children sometimes….so quick to want to stop whatever’s going on instead of striving to accept each moment for exactly what it is.
Maybe your child is trying to kick you in this moment. Maybe your child just won’t listen to you in this moment. Maybe you’re disagreeing with your child in this moment. Maybe your child just can’t express herself in this moment and so, she’s sitting very silently. Well, maybe…just maybe, you’re expecting something else to happen.
Maybe you’re expecting your child to BE a different way from how he/she is BEING in this exact moment. And, don’t we do this all the time? Come on, be honest.
How is your child supposed to be acting right now? And, how is a ‘perfect parent’ supposed to be acting right about now?
Our minds are so caught up in these ideals of what’s supposed to be that we are missing out on what is – we are missing out on the present moment. And, guess what?
The present moment is your life. Right now is ‘all right’. No matter what is happening. There really is nowhere else to be and really, there is really nothing else that your child SHOULD be doing than what he/she is doing right now.
Sure, there are places and activities that you want to guide your child into doing – like eating or bathing or sleeping. But, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about all of those times where you’re feeling frustrated or upset because of whatever your child is doing or however your child is being. I’m talking about all of those moments BEFORE you choose to act as a parent where you make a decision that whatever is happening at the current moment is NOT OK.
And that’s where we’re missing out. Here’s where we get swept up in the expectations of the mind (from your present and your past), and you lose all of that yummy connection in the present moment.
You know when my son laughs the hardest? It’s when I’m really being present and laughing or making fun of whatever IS in that moment. Maybe I’ve just knocked over a whole box of opened cereal onto the floor while grabbing for the milk or maybe he’s running around the house naked with one shoe on when we have about one minute to get him out the door to school. Whatever the moment brings, it brings.
Your acceptance, your complete acceptance will bring about your humor.
Your humor will bring you into the present moment.
And the present moment is where your gift lies.
I was once at a backyard barbecue party with Woody Harrelson, his wife and 2-year old daughter. This was many years ago yet, I’ll never forget what happened.
Woody’s 2-year old daughter tripped by accident in the back doorway as she was walking into the house. Immediately, Woody was over there at lightning speed when he heard his daughter cry. But, it was his next choice of response that really captured my heart. What did he do?
After seeing that his daughter was ok and checking in with her, Woody stood up, tripped and fell too, imitating his daughter’s fall. He completely accepted what was happening in that moment.
His acceptance of the moment was fueling his empathy for his daughter.
Then, the funniest thing happened. One by one, other folks at the party tripped and fell next to Woody and his daughter, everyone imitating her fall. Soon, Woody’s daughter (and everyone else) was in a big dog pile on the ground, belly laughing!
And I just thought…how wonderful. Woody completely embraced the moment. He didn’t even need to use any words. Then, everyone joined him in completely embracing the moment.
Well, guess what? You’re no different than Woody. You too have a choice about how to respond in any given moment with your child. You really do. You have a choice.
Your moment is now. Your child may be doing the ‘WRONG’ thing right now. What is it going to take from you to completely accept yourself, release your expectations, and completely accept your child in this moment?
Because this moment is your life.
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