Can Parenting Be A Partnership?
I used to think that I had to do it all by myself. By ‘it’, I mean just about everything. I used to think that everything was up to me and I never allowed myself to receive that much support. Crazy, huh?
And this was in every area of my life – relationships, health, finances, business, and yes, even parenting. Actually, it stood out the most when I became a mom.
I allowed other people to BE there but I didn’t always allow them to contribute. I hardly ever asked when I really, really needed help.
I remember when I was breastfeeding and my son was about six months old, I would feel terrible when my sister came over and immediately started cleaning my dishes in the sink. (she was and is notorious for being the most rockin’ supportive sister and fellow mama traveler.) I always wanted to tell her to stop…that I would take care of the dishes. Yet, when you really looked at the situation, I was completely overwhelmed with stuff to do and the reality was that those dishes were probably going to be sitting there until somebody else helped with them….at least for that day.
Yet, there was something inside of me that truly believed I didn’t need the help.
Any of this sound familiar?
I thought that I had it all handled. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ those words echoing now in my head like some kind of tribal call gone awry.
I thought that I didn’t want to trouble anyone else and that these were my responsibilities alone to figure out.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ soon became, ‘I know I can handle this!’ which then morphed into something like ’Why can’t I handle all of this?’, which quickly turned into , ‘There must be something wrong with me. Those OTHER moms can do all of this’ and ultimately, ‘Help!!!’
My a-ha moment happened somewhere along those string of thoughts. I began to wake up.
I opened up to the idea that I could receive as well as give. It was completely revolutionary and completely what I needed.
It may sound strange but this whole idea of receiving was a completely new way of being for me. Sure, I had received gifts before for special occasions but just the notion now of receiving support, assistance, guidance, and love unconditionally – without having to give anything back – was, indeed, revolutionary.
I remember attending T. Harv Eker’s The Millionaire Mind workshop years ago and he had us do this exercise where everyone was to walk around the room giving and receiving compliments. If you were on the receiving end, all you could say was ‘thanks’ and receive the compliment. Nothing more.
I so remember how that exercise moved me. For what seemed like the first time in my life, I felt this huge sense of relief and acceptance in just being able to receive. Receive for the sheer joy of receiving. And not feeling like I had to give back immediately.
Thus began my journey towards partnership.
As I opened my heart more and more towards this idea of partnership, all of my old ideas of ‘I can do this on my own,’ began to melt away. I began to receive more help, more love, more of whatever was needed in that moment.
And, you know what?
I really, really love partnership.
And I believe that partnership is what parenting is really all about.
I believe that you as a parent right now need to receive just as much as you need to give.
We need to arrive in partnership with our children.
For when you are living in the spirit of partnership, you are modeling these FIVE core practices:
- Giving and receiving. It’s just as important for a child to learn to give as to receive and vice versa.
- Gratitude for this time together.
- Respect for each other’s unique perspective, thoughts and ideas.
- Clear communication of each person’s feelings and needs.
- Working together to come up with solutions.
Partnership isn’t perfect, just like parenting is never perfect.
Yet, partnership allows the space for you AND your child to thrive.
Approaching parenting as a partnership has allowed me to breathe. It’s allowed my child to do for himself and contribute to our family. Allowing him the space within our relationship to have the answers sometimes. Allowing myself to give him my pause and take a breath before reacting when I’m feeling angry or upset. Allowing both of us to feel, to mess up, to explore, to be right, to be wrong, to not have all of the answers, to discover and ….
To return to who we truly are and what we’re truly capable of.
Ready to Rock and Roll with Me?
Someone who knows me well told me recently that I can get inspiration from anywhere. It’s so true. I’m one of those people who’d be happy looking at a tree in the forest all day. This morning, my latest inspiration came from a small rock in my shoe.
Yes, one small rock.
I tried so hard to ignore this one small rock because I desperately wanted to continue my morning exercise.
Finally , I leaned down to take it out of my shoe and that was when it hit me. This realization.
Actually, the realization came in two parts.
The first part went something like this:
A child’s feelings can be something like that small rock in my shoe. It’s there, it’s solid, it’s real and yet, I’m wanting it to go away at first without actually paying much attention to it. Why won’t it just leave so I can continue on my walk?
Think you’re getting the picture here. Sometimes, our children’s feelings are just like this rock. The feelings that your child has are very real, very ‘solid’ from your child’s perspective. From your perspective as the parent, your child’s big feelings that have him/her crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, slamming doors are all things that you may just want to ‘go away’ so you can get on with whatever it is that you’re doing. To move through life ‘as planned.’
Yet, it’s these big emotional moments that really wake us up to having the deepest connection with our children. When you can focus your undivided attention on holding the space for your child to move through a big feeling, then something miraculous happens. You get a quality of connection with your child that enriches everything that you’re doing from that point forward.
When you pay attention to your child’s feelings and needs, you are taking that rock out of your shoe.
Now, for the second part of my realization that really rocked me to my core.
I realized in that small moment of feeling pestered by this small rock in my shoe just how significant things that are really not that significant can seem at times. Your world really revolves around your perspective.
For a moment, my perspective was altered (pain, instead of a pleasurable morning walk) and I drew my attention away from my larger intention of why I was even on that walk in the first place! (to reflect on some areas in our new Parent Coach Training program….my favorite thing being to walk and brainstorm.)
It was then that I realized just how quickly and significantly a perspective can shift.
And, isn’t it the same in our parenting?
You may be feeling calm and satisfied during your day and then your child does one thing that really sets you off and there shifts your whole perspective.
So, how do you retain your perspective while allowing for you and your child to go through the veritable plethora of emotions you may find yourselves experiencing daily?
In order to answer this, I need to take you to my son’s preschool and something that touched me deeply last week while I spent some time there.
We were all gathered around in a reading circle after nap time ( I was visiting) and the new teacher was trying to read a book to all of the kids, ages 3-5. Many of the kids began fidgeting and needed to move their bodies, given that they had just been sleeping for a while. As I watched my son and his friends fidget, play, laugh and intermittently wrestle each other, I was amazed at the new teacher’s response.
She calmly connected with each one of them and had these very fun, engaging conversations about what they were doing. What amazed me was her demeanor. The fact that nobody was really listening to the book and wanted to do something else wasn’t bugging her at all. She used the moment to really connect with all of them. I felt as if there was something magical taking place in those moments.
Later that afternoon at the school holiday party, I talked with the new teacher and acknowledged her for how great she was at connecting with the children. She just smiled and knowingly said, ‘Yes, I’ve been used to working with special needs kids before I came here. If one of those kids could just sit up while you were reading, it was a huge accomplishment. It just shifted my perspective to what’s really important.’
‘Wow’, was all I thought.
It was one of those moments that stopped time for me and I realized that this has got to be one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves as parents:
‘What is really important here?’
You can anchor yourself in your intention for yourself and your child.
You can anchor yourself in the quality of connection that you’d like for you and your child to have.
You can anchor yourself in the knowingness that all is ok.
You can anchor yourself in a greater perspective that answers that question for you of what’s really important.
And when you can find your anchor within your greater perspective, then the rocks seem to dissipate and life truly seems to roll.
Are You In Your Play Zone?
It was getting late on a Friday night, Veteran’s Day and we had just gotten back from a wonderful day with friends at their beach house. My five year old son had fallen asleep in the car on the ride home and now it was just past dinner time. I knew that I had to wake him up for dinner, yet it almost seemed in that quiet still moment, huddled up on the couch, that he would sleep through the night.
Nonetheless, I woke him up….
He stumbled to the dinner table and for whatever reason, there was this lightness in the air. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it yet, I watched it play out at the dinner table.
As we ate dinner, we were laughing about silly things and talking about the day. This lightness, this new energy, this feeling of friendship and cooperation and not taking things too seriously anymore…..ahhh, that was it!
We were in the play zone!
You may have recognized a similar zone with your child or partner.
Here’s what I’ve come to define the play zone as:
The Play Zone – A place where anything is possible. Life becomes light. You experience your true nature. A place to forget your mind, laugh and be silly. A deep place of connection.
So, yes, it was confirmed throughout bath time that we were definitely in the play zone as my five year-old boy wonder spit water in my face and I, quite out of character, threw a towel over his head and spit back at him, laughing together.
This may all seem familiar to you yet here are two distinguishing factors that I noticed that night:
Life really flows in the Play Zone and opens up deeper, often surprising, connections.
We are not in the Play Zone as individuals or as a culture NEARLY enough.
Sometimes, we, as adults, can only allow ourselves to have a certain amount of fun….and then there is something within us that says ‘stop’.
Children are begging that play zone out of us simply in their BEING-NESS. If you listen deeply to your child’s sense of play, you will hear a voice beckoning you to expand and become light and let go and release and …..PLAY!
It’s obvious that your child wants you to play because it’s fun yet, your child truly is also becoming your greatest teacher in that moment.
I know….a fact that is often quite humbling and one that we don’t so readily admit as parents that really, it’s our children who are the ones who are teaching us.
Joining with your child in the play zone is an essential step towards understanding where your true nature lies.
Yet, I know for many of us parents, this play zone may feel intimidating, uncomfortable or unknown. We may play for a little bit then it’s ‘back to being parents.’
Funny because I’ve noticed this ‘stopping point’ to play in other areas of my life and other people’s lives as well. When you do get yourself into the play zone, you too may notice that you have some sort of a stopping point there… something that says to you, ‘Now, that’s enough.’
Why did I write that this is ‘funny’?
I’m just finding it very funny in this moment because I believe that we are meant to line up with our true natures to have all the happiness, joy, and abundance flowing to us at all times. The greatest irony, the ‘funny’ part, is that we stop ourselves from truly letting all of our good in.
And then we hear some elder’s voice reverberating in our heads through the generations, ‘Now, that’s enough’.
We don’t find our stopping points in the play zone. Our stopping points find us. They are often an amalgamation of unconscious blocks playing out from our pasts.
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, who are among the world’s foremost experts on relationship dynamics, so eloquently write and speak about this phenomenon as being an ‘upper limits problem (ULP).’
‘The ULP is the human tendency to put the brakes on our positive energy when we’ve exceeded our unconscious thermostat setting for how good we can feel, how successful we can be, and how much love we can feel,’ Gay explains in a recent Huffington Post article.
And it’s no different for parents.
We are putting the brakes on fun because honestly, we don’t know what else to do. Many of us were never modeled a real live ‘play zone’ as a child and so, it simply does not exist yet in our unconscious minds. We didn’t get the pleasure of experiencing our own parents embracing that joyful place of allowing joy in without limits.
Yet, just because we were never modeled this limitless play zone as children doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.
All you need to do is catch a glimpse of the eternal joy in a child’s eye and you’ll know quite clearly that infinite joy is absolutely your birthright.
So, my question to you is: What would it really be like if you would allow unending joy into your life right now?
How would you feel if you could truly let loose and play without end?
The world is waiting for your joy….for your play.
Instead of constantly asking ‘what’s wrong?’ with our children and ourselves, today I’m inviting you as a conscious parent (a conscious person) to consider for once a new question….
(take a deep breathe, settle in and consider): ‘How good can this life really get?’
And just when you think you have the answer, ask yourself again.
And again.
And again.
Until you find your very own play zone, your world without end.
Why Are You Feeling Exactly What You’re Not ‘Supposed’ to be Feeling?
One of the toughest thoughts in the human experience is:
‘It’s not supposed to be like this.’
Why do I say ‘toughest”? Because this one little thought can easily spark currents of pain throughout your body in an instant.
‘It’s not supposed to be like this,’ or ‘This isn’t supposed to be happening.’
Try it on. Ever have one of these thoughts? How does your body feel just thinking this thought?
Much of this line of questioning that our minds will engage in from time to time is strangely hypothetical and not grounded in any kind of ‘reality’.
Who really knows what’s ‘supposed’ to be happening or how you’re ‘supposed’ to be feeling?
The answer: Nobody but you. Truly.
The truth is that whatever feeling you’re having at any given moment is exactly the feeling that you’re supposed to be having.
You are coming into alignment with your essence and these feelings that you’re having are really your doorway into experiencing your true vitality.
So, instead of letting our minds run rampant with that thought, ‘It’s not supposed to be like this,’ a much more appropriate question that will bring about growth is: ‘what am I feeling?’
As you get more in touch with your actual feelings, you get more in touch with your authenticity.
Most of us don’t really feel our feelings throughout the day, until they become big and distract us from what we’re doing.
Why is this?
Because you have a distinct relationship with the feelings in your body based on how you experienced emotional support growing up as a child. This is how you developed your emotional intelligence and the ability to move through challenging situations.
If you didn’t have a ton of emotional support growing up, then you may notice your tendency to place many judgments on your feelings as they arise. These judgments often happen on the unconscious level and they happen in a fraction of a second.
Sometimes, when you judge your feelings, you internalize the judgment and very quickly, you make it mean something about you.
Ex: If you’re feeling sad, you may quickly judge the fact that you’re feeling sad and make your sadness mean that you’re not good enough.
So, when you begin to really FEEL the feeling, you may feel very uncomfortable as your mind may bring up certain judgments about your feeling.
It’s time now to allow ourselves the space to have our feelings and recognize these judgments just for what they are: Judgments.
I say it’s time to just feel your feelings no matter what you’re supposed to be doing or thinking or feeling.
So much of our lives are lost in the ‘should’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’. Let’s let our feelings off the hook.
Your body is a treasure chest unlike any other and it’s just waiting to be opened.
The Essence of Your Vitality: The Real You
It’s becoming more and more apparent to me lately that we are definitely creatures of habit. 
Habits just seem to be all-pervasive. What does that mean? If you’ve done something for a while, then you’re going to tend to do that same thing. Until you find a new way, a new habit and you CHOOSE to follow that new habit. Your choice in the matter is key.
So, what happens when you discover that you’ve been driving down the same road of life over and over again, creating results that you’re not completely 100% satisfied with?
Then, you give up the essence of your vitality. You find that parts of your life have become lackluster. You don’t laugh as much. Or cry as much. Or passionately care as much. You fall into a habit of ‘just living’ – going through the motions without the motions passionately going through you, waking you up to what’s REALLY possible in your life.
I say it’s time for our return. Time for all of us to return to the essence of our vitality – to the stuff that made us – to the sense of freedom that has you belly laughing from your core – to the awareness of a child.
We often think that our kids aren’t as smart or don’t know as much as we do. While that may be true on some life practicality levels, our kids embody the essence of life in every moment. Your child is your great reminder to LIVE – your great wake up call if you let him/her be.
But enough about your child (if you have one), and let’s get back to you for a moment.
How do you access your essence of vitality once again?
The quickest and most effective way that I know of is by uncovering and releasing your unconscious limiting belief patterns from the past – all that stuff that you’re thinking about every day but you may not even realize you’re thinking about. Stuff that holds you back, consumes your energy….
Thoughts like, ‘I’m not good enough, or skinny enough, or rich enough’…’I’m all alone,’….’Nobody listens to me’…..’I should be much further along than this’……all of those thoughts that place judgment on you are keeping you now (RIGHT NOW!) from having your vital energy.
I’m working now with a doctor, an MD in Boston who specializes in functional medicine. She refers many of her patients to me.
Why?
Because while she works on restoring their vitality on a physical level, I work with them to unlock the essence of their vitality on a mind/soul level. I help them to bust through those limiting belief patterns that have been taking up so much of their vital energy – occupying unnecessary space in their bodies and minds. And this is what’s happening with you too.
The essence of your vitality is calling out to be released. Your core energy is longing to flow. So that you can smile once again with the heart of a child. Laugh with wild abandon. Love from the depth of your heart. Cry when something hurts without judgment, knowing that all emotions are ok and welcome here….
In the words of Mark Twain,
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.
This is what happens when you release the old and integrate the new. Your vital essence is alive and calling out to you in this very moment.
Are you ready to listen?
What You May Not Know About Me
I had a quantum mindshift about 2 ½ years ago that completely changed the course of my life and parenting.
I had just ended a six-year marriage that was incredibly challenging, moved into a tiny apartment, had a 2-year old son who was tantruming and not yet sleeping through the night, and took on three jobs as a new single mom to make ends meet, all of which I did not feel passionate about.
I was feeling overwhelmed back then. My son was crying a lot and I just remember being up with him throughout the night when I had this thought: There must be a way to help us both through this deeply emotional time…I really wanted to be contributing and sharing my gifts with others, building a business, but I just found myself in this survival cycle and felt like I was at the bottom of a hole just trying to climb out. I’m sure some of you can relate.
So, during those nights of rocking my son back to sleep, I made a decision that would change the course of my life.
I decided to take my life into my own hands….
I decided to train my mind towards success.
Sure, I had done meditations before but this decision, this commitment, that I made was different. Every day, I made it part of my routine to re-train my brain through meditation. This was my ‘gym’ exercise.
No matter how busy I found myself every day (and believe me, there was a lot to do!), I made it a point to spend at least 30 minutes a day to re-train my brain towards success.
I knew that I had a vision for my life and for my child’s life and the way things looked on the outside certainly did NOT match that vision.
What we do on the inside will always effect what shows up on the outside.
This is what I learned and what ended up happening.
So, after meditating for about 2 weeks, a girlfriend invited me to a parenting class that would completely bring about the shift that I so desired.
It was a course in nonviolent parenting.
They were talking about empathy and having respect for a child’s feelings and needs….all things that I deeply believed in.
The class resonated so deeply with me that I followed my heart and immediately signed up to become a parent educator. Little did I know just what a shift my life was taking.
I went through an intensive training that year with a group of about 30 social workers and together, we witnessed some pretty tough stuff in families.
I was trained in the practice of empathy. Deeply trained over that year. And what I REALLY got was an incredibly nurturing and loving space to be able to shift my own mindset from a place of feeling beaten down by a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, by a career in film that wasn’t going anywhere, and a shocking new life situation as a single mom – two words that I never knew I would utter from my mouth.
That year changed me. We were opening up to the experience of empathy that Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi embodied.
And I knew that something great was at hand, because I had never in my life before experienced such a drastic shift in my mindset from feeling discouraged and alone to feeling accepted, loved and nurtured. I saw just how a deep shift in mindset is possible in anyone. Even you.
I realized that this is truly at the CORE of all parenting. No matter what you’re doing with your child, no matter how difficult ANY situation gets, it’s really your mindset that will get you through and allow you to be successful in deeply connecting with your child and modeling the kind of qualities that you so want your child to have.
You can read more about my story here and what my life is like now after having my quantum mindshift: (www.Jolettejai.com/journey)
So, why am I sharing all of this with you now?
Because I want you to know that wherever you’re at in your life and parenting (if you’re a parent) is OK and that if you’d like, it’s ALWAYS possible to make a huge shift in how you’re living your life from the inside out.
We talk so much about parenting yet how you are feeling in your life, career, partnership, relationships and health really affects ALL of your parenting. Nothing is fragmented. You are a whole person parenting a very perceptible child.
Getting Honest With Your Child
Yesterday, my adorable, can-do-no-‘wrong’ 4-year old son decided that he was going to take every blanket, toy, pillow, and clothing from around our house (including all clean laundry waiting to be folded from the laundry basket ) and throw it all wildly around the 
house.
You know…as a gift for mom!
I just watched in amazement as my son turned wild with excitement and felt part of me laughing inside at his wild flight of fancy while the other part of me brewed with some sort of anxiety mixed with frustration. Heart beating faster….jaw clenching. What should I do next?
What I chose to do was something I had never tried before. It was something that I somehow just reached for intuitively.
I somehow met him on the bed, amidst his wild rampage, and managed to stop for just a moment to connect and look into his eyes. Because of all the connecting and peaceful parenting tools that we play with daily, this kind of connection is possible in a very short time yet, I was feeling the need for more communication….to let him in on some kind of a bigger picture.
Here is what I said and what ensued, which, by the way, completely took my breath away. …
Me: You know, there are parents that do all sorts of things to their kids when their kids are doing what you’re doing now. Some people hit their kids, some people scream, some people tell their kids to go into a corner…but, I’m not going to do any of those things with you right now. Ok?
Dead silence. Immediately. His big eyes watching me, waiting for what’s next.
He nods yes, as if understanding something from deep within. Some kind of ancient wisdom, breathing itself through this moment.
Me: Here’s what I’m going to do….
Eyes waiting.
Me: I’m going to ask you….ok?
He nods ‘Yes.’
Me: Ready?
Him: Yes.
Me: Would you please put all of these things away so we can get going to school?
From somewhere deep inside, he understands the nature of my request and from where it comes from. This place of respect is immediately established between us. He suddenly became aware that his Mommy had choices about how to parent…about what to do in each situation.
We became aware together of the choices available to us in the moment.
And, with choice, the world opens up.
All of a sudden, we were two people with choices, instead of ‘me – Mommy’ and ‘you- Son!’
My choice in that defining moment would continue to shape our relationship.
‘Sure, mommy,’ he replies. His gentle voice resting in the still air of the morning.
Then, without any further prompting, he began picking up the mess that was strewn all over.
You may not agree with what your child is doing. And, to be honest, your child may not agree in his heart with everything that you do.
Yet, somehow, we can all be aware that we have a choice.
Choice becomes liberating.
Choice allows you to have your own voice.
Choice is for everyone.
Choice is something that is learned.
It’s within the awareness that you DO have a choice and your ultimate choice to communicate this awareness with another that honesty truly lies.
The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Are You Changing Yourself For Someone Else?
Completely blown away by today’s realization. Always knew it was there but today, it really came alive in the most eye-opening, powerful way.
So, what was it?
As one of my healers asked me today about what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of shifting myself to accommodate another…not really stepping into who I really am and speaking from my heart about what I feel in any given moment. And, by not doing this, I realized just how much I’m missing out on the depth of what’s possible for connection with another and the magic that can happen within a communication – an exchange.
Crazy, huh?
I teach and coach and speak all day about feelings and being in touch with our feelings. Yet, when it came time today for me to get real about my feelings, I noticed my ability to adjust my feelings to suit a particular environment or circumstance. And, I noticed that the adjustment is made almost instantaneously. So, I may be honestly feeling one thing, but because I am either not feeling comfortable in sharing that feeling or don’t think that it’s appropriate in this circumstance, I will quickly shift, cover up the original feeling and adopt a new feeling that suits the situation.
Do you ever find yourself doing this?
What I’m talking about here is very subtle and yet, I believe that it’s at the core now of why so many of us can’t really feel our feelings.
We’re more concerned about what another person may be thinking or how another will receive you.
I say it’s time to get real. To really be in touch with our hearts and say the thing that’s true. Really true. Your true feeling. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say. Even if you think that it may hurt another.
Feelings can never be in conflict. When they are true and honest and spoken from your heart.
Being able to feel a feeling is one thing. Giving a name to your feeling is another. But, then, being aware of your ‘cover-up’ or ‘hiding’ of your original feeling is completely another thing.
So, are you covering up?
Or, even a better question…
Are you shifting your feelings to accommodate somebody else? Just notice next time.
What I’m noticing in all of this is that the more you can authentically share your heart , then the more you are teaching your child to do the same.
It’s time.
We cannot go around anymore without sharing who we truly are, what we truly feel…what’s really there in the core of your heart. As a parent. As a person.
I believe that this is what our children are calling for now.
To be able to speak your feelings from your heart.
So…..what are you feeling?
When No One Is Watching
I’ve been noticing that one of the greatest concerns for parents is what other people think about them and their parenting. Think about it. You’re out in public and your kid starts raging crying, screaming, kicking, whatever. You feel your face start to turn some kind of red, lower your eyes, move quickly to grab your child, appease the situation. All the while ALL eyes (and if not eyes, then definitely ears) are on you, waiting to see how you will handle the situation.
Feels a lot like we’re on stage as parents when out in public yet what’s really going on is not like a stage at all. It’s actually a much more private thing that’s really happening.
Everyone watching you and your crying, screaming child is actually being triggered by your child’s big emotions and whether they realize it or not, they are unconsciously remembering what it was like for them as a child at that age. They are being biologically triggered by the bigness of the child’s emotions and the impact that those feelings and sounds are having on their nervous system.
The story actually goes much deeper than biology, though. Memories come flooding to the surface and feelings, often deep feelings, emerge from deep within. This remembering process could prove to be quite painful and bring up some old ghosts of parenting past, causing ‘innocent’ bystanders to react with harsh judgment, darting looks, and once in a while, the odd comment.
So, what’s a parent really to do?
Here are four quick and easy tips that you can use in those firey moments:
Notice what feelings are arising in you, as a parent, take a breath and allow yourself some empathy here. Being a parent is no easy task and you’re entitled to having all of these feelings emerge as well.
Find something that can calm you immediately in the moment. For some, it’s taking a deep breath. For others, it’s chewing on gum or a mint. Or taking a moment to rub your hands together. Whatever gets you back into your body here and can calm any big feelings that are on the rise.
Care with empathy and compassion for your child, who is having a really big feeling and just expressing it. The way your child is expressing his/her big feeling may not be your chosen strategy, yet it simply is their path of expression in the moment. (In our basic compassionate parenting course, we lay out a 5-step plan to help calm your child down in any moment : www.Peaceofmindparenting.com/special)
And, most importantly:
Act as if no one is watching.
This is your precious moment with your child who is having a really big feeling. This is your moment of intense bonding. This is the time that your child will remember as being the foundation of security and safety within your relationship. Your child will feel the intensity of your love, or your care in this precise moment. What you do in that moment to model compassion is of utmost importance and is only for you to decide. Nobody else.
As parents, we are not by any means perfect. We are parents.
We are not meant to be on stage.
We are meant to be loved, supported and nurtured by our community who understands that raising a child takes an incredible amount of patience, perseverance, love, compassion and understanding.
When we can all offer compassionate support for each other as parents out in public, then the world will truly know unconditional love.
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