What If We Had a Parent’s Manifesto?
I wrote this Manifesto after I got angry about something that my 4-year old son did and consequently, didn’t listen to him. I was frustrated by my actions and felt like I needed some sort of personal manifesto that I could post somewhere….something to say everyday. I’m often asked for one tool, one thing that will help parents in any moment. Sure, we have tools though I think 99% of the time it’s being able to actually remember the tool in the moment.
I find that affirmations trigger a part of the brain that offers a context…a structure from which to live by.
Parenting is not different. I believe that we all need some sort of context, a list of values, a ‘noble cause’ or even, yes, a manifesto.
Short and sweet.
Here’s my offering to you. I invite you to use this and/or make your own.
A Parent’s Manifesto
1. I commit to listen to you, to hear your voice even when it’s saying something I may not like.
2. I commit to respect your feelings and needs.
3. I commit to offer you the space to express who you are and what you’re feeling.
4. I commit to not take anything you do or say personally.
5. I commit to believing in you and your abilities even when you don’t believe.
6. I commit to listening deeply to the calling of your heart.
7. I commit to taking a moment to calm myself down before coming to you with any anger, judgment or criticism.
Were you raised with a ‘manifesto’?
What You May Not Know About Me
I had a quantum mindshift about 2 ½ years ago that completely changed the course of my life and parenting.
I had just ended a six-year marriage that was incredibly challenging, moved into a tiny apartment, had a 2-year old son who was tantruming and not yet sleeping through the night, and took on three jobs as a new single mom to make ends meet, all of which I did not feel passionate about.
I was feeling overwhelmed back then. My son was crying a lot and I just remember being up with him throughout the night when I had this thought: There must be a way to help us both through this deeply emotional time…I really wanted to be contributing and sharing my gifts with others, building a business, but I just found myself in this survival cycle and felt like I was at the bottom of a hole just trying to climb out. I’m sure some of you can relate.
So, during those nights of rocking my son back to sleep, I made a decision that would change the course of my life.
I decided to take my life into my own hands….
I decided to train my mind towards success.
Sure, I had done meditations before but this decision, this commitment, that I made was different. Every day, I made it part of my routine to re-train my brain through meditation. This was my ‘gym’ exercise.
No matter how busy I found myself every day (and believe me, there was a lot to do!), I made it a point to spend at least 30 minutes a day to re-train my brain towards success.
I knew that I had a vision for my life and for my child’s life and the way things looked on the outside certainly did NOT match that vision.
What we do on the inside will always effect what shows up on the outside.
This is what I learned and what ended up happening.
So, after meditating for about 2 weeks, a girlfriend invited me to a parenting class that would completely bring about the shift that I so desired.
It was a course in nonviolent parenting.
They were talking about empathy and having respect for a child’s feelings and needs….all things that I deeply believed in.
The class resonated so deeply with me that I followed my heart and immediately signed up to become a parent educator. Little did I know just what a shift my life was taking.
I went through an intensive training that year with a group of about 30 social workers and together, we witnessed some pretty tough stuff in families.
I was trained in the practice of empathy. Deeply trained over that year. And what I REALLY got was an incredibly nurturing and loving space to be able to shift my own mindset from a place of feeling beaten down by a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, by a career in film that wasn’t going anywhere, and a shocking new life situation as a single mom – two words that I never knew I would utter from my mouth.
That year changed me. We were opening up to the experience of empathy that Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi embodied.
And I knew that something great was at hand, because I had never in my life before experienced such a drastic shift in my mindset from feeling discouraged and alone to feeling accepted, loved and nurtured. I saw just how a deep shift in mindset is possible in anyone. Even you.
I realized that this is truly at the CORE of all parenting. No matter what you’re doing with your child, no matter how difficult ANY situation gets, it’s really your mindset that will get you through and allow you to be successful in deeply connecting with your child and modeling the kind of qualities that you so want your child to have.
You can read more about my story here and what my life is like now after having my quantum mindshift: (www.Jolettejai.com/journey)
So, why am I sharing all of this with you now?
Because I want you to know that wherever you’re at in your life and parenting (if you’re a parent) is OK and that if you’d like, it’s ALWAYS possible to make a huge shift in how you’re living your life from the inside out.
We talk so much about parenting yet how you are feeling in your life, career, partnership, relationships and health really affects ALL of your parenting. Nothing is fragmented. You are a whole person parenting a very perceptible child.
Has Duty Replaced Delicious for You?
When we become parents, so much of our lives becomes about doing and not just being. The responsibilities pile up and we often find ourselves busy throughout the day, just trying desperately to fit it all in, get everything done, and hopefully prepare for the next day
and the next.
I’ve become acutely aware of this world of doing this week and how it may just be robbing us of those delicious, precious moments with ourselves and our children. Doing has somehow replaced delicious.
For, this world of doing seems to be based largely in the world of obligations. And, it’s not that obligations or responsibilities are a bad thing at all! It’s just that when we operate fully out of obligation as parents , which is a very easy thing to do, we forget a whole other part of ourselves….a part that is yearning to be expressed . For your own health and the emotional health of your child.
So, what’s this other part, you may ask?
The other part of you that gets ignored when you’re consumed in the obligations of the day is the fun part. Remember that? The part of you that is motivated by what truly inspires you. That feels delicious and intuitive and moved to laugh at the silliest things. The part that relaxes and opens….that relishes in the simple expression of a word or a phrase that just touches you deeply or causes you to smile.
Maybe you experienced these moments when your child was very young and you found yourself making silly baby faces for hours on end. Or maybe it was the first time that you rode a bicycle, belly laughed with a friend, swam in the ocean, or fell in love. It’s that wide, expansive space that you have within you to feel deeply the experience of life. It’s the opposite of obligation. Nobody is forcing you to feel in these ways that are so deeply moving. And yet, when you’re in these spaces of pure inspiration, pure relaxation, pure love, time just melts away and obligation becomes a non-issue.
You do things because you’re moved to do things. You spend time with the people you love spending time with. You embrace your child no matter what he/she is doing in the moment.
You touch the essence of life – that stuff that holds this great big, crazy place together.
So, what happens with your child when you touch the essence of life?
Well, your child feels it too. Because your child is much more in touch with this place than you are and longs, I believe, to experience it fully in every moment.
I have so many parents coming to me describing how difficult bedtime rituals are because their kids just really want to play and it’s just so hard to get them to go to bed. And, I get it. Truly, if you’ve been with me over this past year, you know that I really do get it!
Yet, looking through the eyes of a child for just a moment, I would want to play too, all the time. Like my son so lovingly explained to me last week, ‘Mom, we’re kids. We just want to play all the time!’
And if I were a kid again (which I hope that sometimes, I still am!), I would be moved to touch the essence of life in every moment that I could. It would probably feel very foreign to me to consider the word ‘obligation’ for the first time. Think about it.
You are born from a place where everything is free and open and expansive. Where the essence of life is coursing through your veins, causing you to intuitively move from one moment to the next, exploring your world. Play is your mode of exploration. Your entry into the deliciousness of every moment.
And, now, all of a sudden, one of your parents whom you love dearly, is acting strange and telling you not to play and she/he seems totally out of touch with the moment you thought you were both in together. Your parent is totally checked out of that delicious moment you had together and checked into some idea of how this moment is SUPPOSED to go and what you MUST do. Really, think about it for a moment.
Think about just how crazy and odd that must seem to our children. This new world of obligations simply for obligation’s sake.
Yet, what if we were to meet our obligations with a sense of deliciousness?
What if you were to feel motivated instead of obliged?
What if we were to just BE before we consider DOING anything because we HAVE to.
Really, what would it mean for our lives and our children’s lives?
In the wildest part of your soul, somewhere out beyond the duties of the day, lies this sacred essence of life calling you forth. Waiting to emerge. To re-emerge and invite you into that delicious space of learning to just BE before you DO, BREATHE before you ACT, and LET GO before you HAVE TO.
Getting Honest With Your Child
Yesterday, my adorable, can-do-no-‘wrong’ 4-year old son decided that he was going to take every blanket, toy, pillow, and clothing from around our house (including all clean laundry waiting to be folded from the laundry basket ) and throw it all wildly around the 
house.
You know…as a gift for mom!
I just watched in amazement as my son turned wild with excitement and felt part of me laughing inside at his wild flight of fancy while the other part of me brewed with some sort of anxiety mixed with frustration. Heart beating faster….jaw clenching. What should I do next?
What I chose to do was something I had never tried before. It was something that I somehow just reached for intuitively.
I somehow met him on the bed, amidst his wild rampage, and managed to stop for just a moment to connect and look into his eyes. Because of all the connecting and peaceful parenting tools that we play with daily, this kind of connection is possible in a very short time yet, I was feeling the need for more communication….to let him in on some kind of a bigger picture.
Here is what I said and what ensued, which, by the way, completely took my breath away. …
Me: You know, there are parents that do all sorts of things to their kids when their kids are doing what you’re doing now. Some people hit their kids, some people scream, some people tell their kids to go into a corner…but, I’m not going to do any of those things with you right now. Ok?
Dead silence. Immediately. His big eyes watching me, waiting for what’s next.
He nods yes, as if understanding something from deep within. Some kind of ancient wisdom, breathing itself through this moment.
Me: Here’s what I’m going to do….
Eyes waiting.
Me: I’m going to ask you….ok?
He nods ‘Yes.’
Me: Ready?
Him: Yes.
Me: Would you please put all of these things away so we can get going to school?
From somewhere deep inside, he understands the nature of my request and from where it comes from. This place of respect is immediately established between us. He suddenly became aware that his Mommy had choices about how to parent…about what to do in each situation.
We became aware together of the choices available to us in the moment.
And, with choice, the world opens up.
All of a sudden, we were two people with choices, instead of ‘me – Mommy’ and ‘you- Son!’
My choice in that defining moment would continue to shape our relationship.
‘Sure, mommy,’ he replies. His gentle voice resting in the still air of the morning.
Then, without any further prompting, he began picking up the mess that was strewn all over.
You may not agree with what your child is doing. And, to be honest, your child may not agree in his heart with everything that you do.
Yet, somehow, we can all be aware that we have a choice.
Choice becomes liberating.
Choice allows you to have your own voice.
Choice is for everyone.
Choice is something that is learned.
It’s within the awareness that you DO have a choice and your ultimate choice to communicate this awareness with another that honesty truly lies.
The Return to Wonderment
I talk with so many parents each week and one theme is consistent.
Can you guess what it is?
Time.
As parents, we are always in motion. Always concerned with time and getting things done.
There’s a lot, huh?
From the moment they’re awake, kids have constant physical needs.
And there seems to be some kind of timeline to it all. Ok, not ‘seems to be’…there just is.
So, we, as parents, become acutely aware of time and ushering our kids through time often to get whatever activity at hand done and move on to the next.
Yet, in the flurry of it all – all of this rushing and moving about- we lose one very important facet of life.
Connection.
Imagine your first moment of waking in the day. That feeling of freshness when all is new, once again. That moment just before the rush of thoughts come flooding your mind about the day. One friend I spoke with the other day was laughing about being so ‘out of it’ the other morning that she couldn’t even remember her own name upon waking (she was just really tired)….But, just imagine that glorious ‘mind-free-‘ space that’s there for you upon waking every morning.
Now, imagine what that space is for your child, who’s had much less life experience to actually cloud his mind in the morning. If you have a toddler, imagine what that magical morning space must be like. Just upon waking.
Now, from your child’s perspective, imagine what it’s like to have your parent immediately (or almost immediately for most of us) begin to rush you around to ‘get your morning started’ or ‘get you to school’ (or preschool or daycare…) or ‘get you to the table for breakfast’ or ‘get you to the bathroom to pee’…the demands on a child never end.
Yet, there is this sweetness. This sweet moment between the rushing around that’s really vital. That is so appreciated by our children.
It’s within these sweet moments, when we can put the rushing aside, where the magic of true connection lies.
Yet, most of us are missing these moments because we’re frustrated or anxious or just plain angry.
So, how can we return to enjoying the moment? To living life beyond the schedule?
The deepest way that I know of to date is a process that I call the ‘ReParenting Process’. (see below for more info)
Through the ReParenting process, you’re able to reconcile with any left-over feelings from your past and the way you were parented.
This kind of reconciling – becoming ‘complete’ with your past- brings about something new in the space between you and your child. And it’s this newness that allows for the deep connection.
So, what’s the ‘newness’?
It’s wonderment.
The ReParenting process will bring you out of the state of anger or frustration or anxiety into a place of wonderment.
And when you and your child are both in that state of wonderment together, you are inextricably connected.
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to eat breakfast now?
Hmmm…I wonder what it would be like to brush our teeth now? How about while standing on one foot? I wonder….
Wonderment opens doors. It brings about all sorts of possibilities.
It returns you to the state of being a child.
Remember what it was like to just wonder about the world? About
everything? About something new? About your first love?
It’s that wonderment that your child is experiencing upon waking. First thoughts of the morning are usually steeped in wonderment.
Yet, we spend a lot of time as parents simply wondering, ‘why won’t my child just cooperate with me?’
There is a difference – an innate, palpable difference- to being ‘on task’ with your child and being in wonderment with your child.
Your child craves wonderment.
So many parents come to me frustrated about not being able to ‘get’ their child to do this or that thing.
Wanna know the secret?
Return to a state of wonderment.
Strive to connect with your child through wondering. Get in his world. What must it be like to be your child right now? What is she feeling? What is she needing? Hmmm….I wonder.
It’s not about the tasks. Really, it’s not. Your child is learning more about relationship and connection as you do each task. That’s where the true learning is happening.
(deep breath here…)
So, how do we reach back to this time of wonderment? How do we regain wonderment anew in these moments with our children?
Let’s drop this notion of time just for a moment….this notion that has all of us rushing about, eager to get to the destination instead of just enjoying the journey.
Life is about the journey. The nuances. The spaces between.
The magic of the moment where we can be, just wonder together.
Inside of all the schedules, all the rushing about from here to there and back again, you may have already arrived at your destination with your child and just not know it.
Hmmm…..I wonder.
ps. If you’re interested in joining us for the Reparenting Process, we are doing it live (over the phone) here: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/
(enter the code: Reparent & receive a $400 discount)
Here’s to the return of wonderment. Over and over again.
Re-Parenting: It’s Not About Them…It’s About You
Ever feel like your mom or dad’s words just came out of your mouth while parenting your child?
Ever find yourself saying things that you swore you’d NEVER say to YOUR child?
Where does this stuff come from?
It’s left over from your past. From the way you were parented. Actually, more to the point, it’s left-over from the FEELINGS that you had about the way you were parented.
Here’s what happens….
You’re a child with needs. Need for love, attention, affection, appreciation, autonomy, acceptance, connection….you get the picture.
And when one of these needs wasn’t met, you had some feelings around it. When you were between 0-7 years old, these were probably some pretty BIG feelings given the growth of the emotional center of the human brain during these very formative years.
So, here you are with your big feelings and your parents began their parenting journey: how did they react or respond to your big feelings? Did you feel like you were really heard? Understood? Can you even remember?
Maybe so. Maybe not. These are all feelings that are NOW locked inside of your body as a parent.
These feelings are doorways into your true peace because here’s what happened next.
When you had your big feelings as a child, your mind got to work saying certain things to yourself based on your feelings. These statements that you started to tell yourself as a child may have seemed VERY TRUE at the time.
These statements are guiding your actions with your child now.
These statements are most likely NOT SERVING YOU anymore.
They are commonly known as your LIMITING BELIEFS.
So, what are your limiting beliefs?
They could be anything like, ‘Nobody listens to me’ or ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘Nobody Cares About Me.’
Your mind is super-duper creative during these moments of intense stress when the stress hormones were flooding your system as a child causing your mind to race with all kinds of thoughts- some were supportive, yet, most were definitely not.
And that’s how it all started.
Now, flash forward and you’re a parent. And your kid has needs that you’re either aware of or unaware of.
You may just see your child as ‘acting out’ or ‘misbehaving.’
What’s really happening is that your child, much like you as a child, has needs and when these needs don’t get met, guess what happens?
Your child has some pretty big feelings. This is what ‘acting out’ or ‘tantrums’ look like.
Them, you start stressing out and your body floods with that stress hormone called ‘cortisol.’. Here’s where you may lose your &#%*!!
Why?
Because those old limiting belief patterns from when you were a child are getting triggered in your brain, causing you to react VERY STRONGLY during those HEATED MOMENTS with your child.
Thus, the cycle continues. Until your child becomes a parent and so on and so on and so on.
These cycles are generational. Limiting beliefs are right now being passed down from generation to generation. Consciously and unconsciously.
So, what to do?
We need to Re-Parent ourselves. First and foremost.
You need a way to release those old LIMITING BELIEFS that are no longer serving you as a parent (as a person!) and replace them with NEW BELIEFS that completely SERVE YOU and How You Truly Want To Be With Your Child.
This is your time as a parent. This is your greatest opportunity to break the cycle. To give your child something that maybe you didn’t have. To turn the tides of disconnected, angry, hurtful behavior and allow your first reaction to be one of EMPATHY – for yourself and your child.
Join me this Thursday, April 7th at 1pm PST on your phone and I’ll share with you my 5 Secrets to the Re-Parenting Process.
Click here to register…it’s on the house.
Unworthiness – Is it Really True?
Been digging deep with my clients who are getting triggered around their children’s big emotional moments and I’ve been in many conversations with other parenting professionals, intuitives and healers around this idea of unworthiness. Stuff that we picked up from our own childhoods.
Seems like we all have some notion of unworthiness or some version of it on an unconscious level.
What I’ve been hearing lately is a LOT of conversation around BEING WORTHY, not being worthy, how to raise your sense of worthiness to be, do, have exactly what you want in life.
This worthiness conversation has been rolling around in my mind and heart, processing it’s way through until yesterday, something popped. And I realized that it’s not about being worthy. It’s really not. When this clarity came through about worthiness, I was a bit surprised but let it flow.
What did the realization have to say?
‘Unworthiness’ is a phrase/thought/idea that our consciousness has hooked onto (especially in the self-development realms) and people have been using this ‘unworthiness’ idea because it’s a logical explanation to why you may not have the things that you really want in your life.
Now, I’m seeing that ‘Unworthiness’ exists as a superficial explanation for something that’s actually a lot deeper. A lot. And, we must look deeper now. Because I don’t believe that the deeper issues around lack are really about unworthiness.
Here’s what I came to…..your spirit never ever experiences feelings or thoughts of unworthiness ever.
EVER.
Actually, it’s quite the opposite. You, in your deepest core never experience feelings or thoughts of unworthiness. Ever.
It’s not who you are. It’s not your nature. Not now. Not when you were a child nor a teenager. Never. Nor does your child ever experience any true feelings or thoughts of unworthiness.
So, what have we all been experiencing when we experience feelings and thoughts of lack? That maybe you don’t have the money you truly want, or the relationship of your dreams, or the health you know you can have, or the parenting relationship with your child that you really want?
If you have ever experienced any feelings or thoughts of lack, then what you have truly been experiencing on a deeper level is the core need to feel loved – to experience love. The need to be loved. It’s very elemental and if you’re a parent, you can notice this in your child too.
This deep need began from the moment that you came (incarnated) into this world. A deep need for love.
So, you set about in any and every way to fulfill this need for love. It began with your family.
For me, I understood pretty quickly that I had landed in a family that really valued material things. That was how they showed their love most of the time. So, what did I do?
I impoverished myself. I didn’t allow myself to have everything wonderful that was being offered to me. New car, new tv, clothes…tons of stuff. Crazy, huh?
Now, why would I do a thing like that?
Because this was my STRATEGY. My strategy to get the love I so needed. If I looked impoverished, then maybe it would be a way for the love and offerings to continue.
Spirit is very clever because this was all unconscious to me until now.
I twisted and turned and mutated myself to look and feel impoverished in different areas of my life. I tricked myself into believing that I couldn’t REALLY have the things that I wanted. It was a great trick, one that I’m pretty shocked to find out about. If I continued to experience lack, then I would still be be reaching outside of myself for love. And, that’s what I did up until now.
Feeling abundant means that you can stop searching outside of yourself. At least, that’s what the feelings and experience of abundance has done in my life. It really has called me out on my ‘game’ of looking for love outside of myself.
All behavior is simply your best attempt to get a CORE need met.
I speak with parents about this all the time and now, it’s finally starting to sink in!
And our deepest need is for love.
So, what has your strategy been?
Where have you impoverished yourself to get the love you so need?
In your finances, in your relationships, in your career, in your parenting?
There are strategies that are more desirable and then, there are strategies that will lead you down a darker path and away from being able to feel your true abundance of who you REALLY are- the glory that you have truly come here to express.
No matter what, these are all just strategies.
In fact, you are using strategies right now. Strategies aren’t good or bad, they just are.
Strategies to feel love, to feel good, to have friends, business relationships….we are all using strategies….
Until you don’t anymore and start living from your core. This is what I call the ‘Re-Parenting Process.’
{If you’re interested in Re-Parenting yourself, we’re beginning a new 4-week program on April 9th. We have a few spaces still available: http://www.peaceofmindparenting.com/reparent/ }
When you re-parent yourself, you begin to access the feeling realm that will bring you to experience the core of who you truly are, without strategies. You begin to live your life without strategy. Just honesty about who you truly are and what you truly feel, no matter what that may be.
Now, you are full of love – you know your abundance - because your need is met from within you. No more need to strategize about how to get this need met. You ARE the strategy, the core, the essence, the abundance that you’ve been searching for.
So, we can all drop the unworthiness story. Your spirit won’t even recognize it. Your true nature is worthiness….actually your true nature doesn’t even consider or know this word: ‘worthy’. Your spirit just it. Spirit. Big and bold.
I believe that you can look instead inside yourself for any deep needs you’ve been looking to satisfy or fulfill. Find that abundant place within you that knows that deep need. Your spirit has already fulfilled your need from within.
Like Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith says: ‘Don’t pray for it. Pray FROM it.’
These needs are doorways into your soul. Why not start knocking on these doors now?
Go ahead. Take the journey. Your are worthy enough for the ride!
When No One Is Watching
I’ve been noticing that one of the greatest concerns for parents is what other people think about them and their parenting. Think about it. You’re out in public and your kid starts raging crying, screaming, kicking, whatever. You feel your face start to turn some kind of red, lower your eyes, move quickly to grab your child, appease the situation. All the while ALL eyes (and if not eyes, then definitely ears) are on you, waiting to see how you will handle the situation.
Feels a lot like we’re on stage as parents when out in public yet what’s really going on is not like a stage at all. It’s actually a much more private thing that’s really happening.
Everyone watching you and your crying, screaming child is actually being triggered by your child’s big emotions and whether they realize it or not, they are unconsciously remembering what it was like for them as a child at that age. They are being biologically triggered by the bigness of the child’s emotions and the impact that those feelings and sounds are having on their nervous system.
The story actually goes much deeper than biology, though. Memories come flooding to the surface and feelings, often deep feelings, emerge from deep within. This remembering process could prove to be quite painful and bring up some old ghosts of parenting past, causing ‘innocent’ bystanders to react with harsh judgment, darting looks, and once in a while, the odd comment.
So, what’s a parent really to do?
Here are four quick and easy tips that you can use in those firey moments:
Notice what feelings are arising in you, as a parent, take a breath and allow yourself some empathy here. Being a parent is no easy task and you’re entitled to having all of these feelings emerge as well.
Find something that can calm you immediately in the moment. For some, it’s taking a deep breath. For others, it’s chewing on gum or a mint. Or taking a moment to rub your hands together. Whatever gets you back into your body here and can calm any big feelings that are on the rise.
Care with empathy and compassion for your child, who is having a really big feeling and just expressing it. The way your child is expressing his/her big feeling may not be your chosen strategy, yet it simply is their path of expression in the moment. (In our basic compassionate parenting course, we lay out a 5-step plan to help calm your child down in any moment : www.Peaceofmindparenting.com/special)
And, most importantly:
Act as if no one is watching.
This is your precious moment with your child who is having a really big feeling. This is your moment of intense bonding. This is the time that your child will remember as being the foundation of security and safety within your relationship. Your child will feel the intensity of your love, or your care in this precise moment. What you do in that moment to model compassion is of utmost importance and is only for you to decide. Nobody else.
As parents, we are not by any means perfect. We are parents.
We are not meant to be on stage.
We are meant to be loved, supported and nurtured by our community who understands that raising a child takes an incredible amount of patience, perseverance, love, compassion and understanding.
When we can all offer compassionate support for each other as parents out in public, then the world will truly know unconditional love.
Are You Ready to Be Authentic?
We all slip up as parents and I’m certainly no exception. Parenting is not about being perfect. Parenting is about being real and 
connecting.
A hot topic this week is anger. We’re talking about anger in a lot of my one-on-one sessions with clients. Unpacking this powerful emotion to take a peek at what may lay just beneath the surface.
It’s truly a tricky emotion because it’s just so charged and every parent seems to hold some kind of secret about their anger and how it’s getting expressed or not expressed.
We all learned different ways of dealing with anger growing up. Maybe your family was super loud and raged, expressing their anger full out. Or maybe members of your family growing up just shoved anger down, not willing to express it….thinking that it was some wrong or inappropriate emotion. And you, being the open, willing and receptive sponge you were during this time as a child, especially during the ages of 0-7 drank it all up. You were watching your parent(s) or caregiver for their cues on dealing with anger, then you filed away their reactions for a later date when you would now become a parent.
As it turns out, anger is really a compound emotion, meaning that it is made up of lots of other emotions. Take a look beneath anger and you’ll most likely witness a deep well of sadness just waiting to come pouring forth.
There’s definitely a cycle to the creation of anger. The cycle goes something like this:
First, you don’t get a core need met. Then, you have a big feeling well up inside of you. And you’re trying to parent during this moment and let’s just say that this feeling doesn’t really get expressed in a safe and appropriate way. Maybe you shove it down. Maybe you’re withdrawn. Embarrassed to be experiencing a certain feeling in front of your child. And so, that feeling stays within you. Now, when you have another need that’s not met (maybe it’s just the same one need that’s not getting met) and you don’t recognize and verbally express this need to another, then you’re becoming a hotbed for the eventual eruption of anger. We just don’t know how or when your anger will finally erupt.
One thing’s for sure. Most parents are shocked at the level and intensity of their anger, when it finally rears it’s head. And, really, that’s why we teach and use the tools of nonviolent, authentic parenting whenever possible so that you’re able to relieve any big, uncomfortable feelings that have been pent up inside before they erupt and become anger towards yourself, your child or directed towards other loved ones in your life.
Even though I use the tools that we teach every day with my son, I was so shocked when my anger emerged this past week from a deep place within me – a place that I didn’t know existed up until now.
It was such a simple scenario that I got angry about with my son that it’s almost laughable now for me to recall it. We were at an indoor play place and all of us had just had a great night dancing and chasing each other around. It was getting late and I realized that I began to feel anxious about trying to get my son to leave and to sleep for the night. It always seems like the later it gets, the more he wants to explore. This night was no exception.
He was just being his curious self, wanting to explore the paintings on the walls as I tried desperately to get him to put his pants on so that we could leave. The moment somehow completely consumed me and I didn’t even notice that small pit of anger building in my stomach as he repeatedly ignored me time and time again.
Finally, out of what seemed like nowhere, I raised my voice, ‘Get your pants on now!’
He had never heard that tone from me and I’ll never forget his expression of complete and utter shock. Seems to be burned into my memory.
I realized in that moment what I was doing and immediately began the process of ‘repairing the rupture,’ a deep and restorative process that you can use at anytime with your child to heal your relationship, bring back connection and develop emotional intelligence.
Because it wasn’t about his pants. It’s not about the scenarios that we find ourselves in with our children. It’s almost always about ourselves and our reactions. 99.9% of the time, your reaction to your child is about some feeling or unconscious belief pattern that you are experiencing intensely in the moment. And, sometimes, we need these kinds of moments to bring us into full awareness of our feelings and the full impact that our strong reactions have on our children.
I immediately realized that I had temporarily broken the connection with my son when my anger erupted that night and I became painfully aware of my humanity. That I wasn’t perfect. No matter how many times I teach and practice these tools, there are moments that act as a huge wake up call and this was certainly one of them!
So, repairing the rupture. What is it?
It’s all about re-connecting with your child. It’s about re-establishing the trust and security to be able to authentically talk about your feelings and your child’s feelings around what just happened.
Question is: Are you ready to be authentic?
‘I was feeling really frustrated because it seemed like you weren’t listening to me so I screamed. I imagine that must’ve been scary and shocking for you. Was it?’ Conversation is open now.
Yes,’ he replies, sensing my sincerity. The compassion has begun to flow once again ever so slowly back into our relationship.
‘I didn’t like when you said that to me,’ he offers.
‘Yes, I so understand. I wouldn’t have liked to hear that either in that way,’ I’m getting into his world and trying to imagine what that must’ve been like for him.
‘I’m feeling hurt in my heart, ‘ he continues.
‘Yes,’ I offer, ‘I understand’. And continue asking him questions about his heart.
Until we come to a place where he relaxes and is ready to once again receive the empathy that I’m now offering him.
When all has calmed down, I’m experiencing the urge to come to some sort of plan.
‘I’m willing to do something differently next time,’ I look him directly in his eyes. ‘ I’m willing to take a moment and breathe the next time I’m feeling that kind of stress so that I don’t yell.’
He seems to understand and offers up a hug. ‘Ok,’ he says and nuzzles into my chest as I hug him tight.
What I’m realizing now is that it takes a huge well of patience, compassion and the willingness to ‘repair the rupture’ when anger is present. Yet, it’s truly the core of what needs to happen between you and your child if you are to restore that deep connection, sense of trust and security between the two of you.
‘Repairing the rupture’ isn’t about fixing the situation. It’s about being real with your emotions and authentically willing to hear about your child’s emotions, without you trying to fix them or make them any better than how they appear to be.
I realized that night last week that I’m human. And, as a human, I have a wide range of emotions inside. Emotions that I never really thought that I had before.
‘I feel love in my heart again….’ He offered once the storm had passed and we both had calmed down.
Love is healing. Love is rejuvenative. The force of compassion is great and just like the deep and wide ocean, it’s definitely a force to be reckoned with if you’re willing to be real, to be authentic with what’s really going on inside.
Would You Be Willing? A New Model of Asking Your Child
I thought I knew it all. Thought I had the answers when it came to guiding my child, letting him know what to do and what not to do, setting limits…you know, simple parenting stuff. Or so I thought. 
Sometimes we just don’t really know what’s coming out of our mouths and how deeply that is affecting our children. This week I definitely found out!
After spending the whole day together, my son and I found ourselves once again at the end of the day in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Or, should I say, me trying to entice him into peeing, brushing his teeth, putting on jammies…you know the routine.
That night was a bit different though and would shift our communication for what feels like forever.
As I hurried about, telling him to get his jammies on and brush his teeth….he looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘I don’t like when you say that.’
His forthrightness completely stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those moments that took me ‘OUT’ of however I was being and called me to take a look at my behavior. Somehow, I intuitively knew where he was going with all of this.
‘You mean when I tell you to do things?’
‘Yes,’ he replied.
‘Oh,’ I reached for some explanation, some way to justify my actions but there was none. He was right. I was telling him to do a lot of things that night. Suddenly, I imagined what that must really feel like to have somebody tell you to ‘do this, then do this, then do that!.’ And, this ball began to form in the pit of my stomach.
‘That feels yucky to you when I tell you to do things?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ he offered.
‘I understand. That would feel yucky to me too. How about I ask you? Could we try that?’ I had stumbled upon the outrageous idea of asking instead of telling in that moment.
His eyes lit up. I was onto something.
He uttered ‘yes, that would feel better.’
Crazy thoughts raced through my mind. ‘What if he doesn’t listen?’ ‘Is this really the best way to parent?’ ‘Aren’t I giving up all control and letting him be boss?’ ‘This surely must be permissive parenting! ‘ ‘Ugh.’
Then the crazy thoughts gave way to an intense wave of curiosity.
Could this simply be the answer? Could we really just ask our children, instead of telling them to do things?
I decided to give it a try.
‘Would you be willing to brush your teeth?’ I offered.
He happily shook his head yes and moved towards the sink.
Huh? Just like that? Really? It’s that simple?
We continued on and I kept on asking him ‘Would you be willing to….?’ and he would honestly tell me. His answers touched my heart but more than that, there was such a tenderness in our communication in those moments. Like we really understood each other.
The asking continued. And it was like a new wave of respect and friendship had overcome the space.
Slowly, he turned to me and let me know just how much he liked to be asked.
And, I’m humbled once again by the simplicity and presence of a child.
Our children know how they’d like to be treated. Most of us as parents rarely take the time to ask. Yet, it’s within our inability to ask that feelings are formed and decisions made about your relationship. Does your child really feel respected? Like he/she has a voice…a say in the matter?
Cooperation isn’t a one-time act. It’s a process that weaves itself in and out of your connection with your child….in and out of your heart depending upon how connected your child is feeling to you at any given moment.
Respect breeds connection. Asking breeds connection.
So, would you be willing…?
-
The 5 Secrets For Turning Frustration and Overwhelm Into Patience and Presence Right Now -
-
Connect With Me!
