Can Parenting Be A Partnership?

I used to think that I had to do it all by myself.  By ‘it’, I mean just about everything.  I used to think that everything was up to me and I never allowed myself to receive that much support.  Crazy, huh?

And this was in every area of my life – relationships, health, finances, business, and yes, even parenting.   Actually, it stood out the most when I became a mom.

I allowed other people to BE there but I didn’t always allow them to contribute.  I hardly ever asked when I really, really needed help.

I remember when I was breastfeeding and my son was about six months old, I would feel terrible when my sister came over and immediately started cleaning my dishes in the sink.  (she was and is notorious for being the most rockin’ supportive sister and fellow mama traveler.)  I always wanted to tell her to stop…that I would take care of the dishes.  Yet, when you really looked at the situation, I was completely overwhelmed with stuff to do and the reality was that those dishes were probably going to be sitting there until somebody else helped with them….at least for that day.

Yet, there was something inside of me that truly believed I didn’t need the help.

Any of this sound familiar?

I thought that I had it all handled.  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ those words echoing now in my head like some kind of tribal call gone awry.

I thought that I didn’t want to trouble anyone else and that these were my responsibilities alone to figure out.

‘Don’t worry, I’ve got it,’ soon became, ‘I know I can handle this!’ which then morphed into something like ’Why can’t I handle all of this?’, which quickly turned into , ‘There must be something wrong with me.  Those OTHER moms can do all of this’ and ultimately, ‘Help!!!’

My a-ha moment happened somewhere along those string of thoughts.  I began to wake up.

I opened up to the idea that I could receive as well as give.   It was completely revolutionary and completely what I needed.

It may sound strange but this whole idea of receiving was a completely new way of being for me.  Sure, I had received gifts before for special occasions but just the notion now of receiving support, assistance, guidance, and love unconditionally – without having to give anything back – was, indeed, revolutionary.

I remember attending T. Harv Eker’s The Millionaire Mind workshop years ago and he had us do this exercise where everyone was to walk around the room giving and receiving compliments.  If you were on the receiving end, all you could say was ‘thanks’ and receive the compliment.  Nothing more.

I so remember how that exercise moved me.  For what seemed like the first time in my life, I felt this huge sense of relief and acceptance in just being able to receive.   Receive for the sheer joy of receiving.  And not feeling like I had to give back immediately.

Thus began my journey towards partnership.

As I opened my heart more and more towards this idea of partnership, all of my old ideas of ‘I can do this on my own,’ began to melt away.  I began to receive more help, more love, more of whatever was needed in that moment.

And, you know what?

I really, really love partnership.

And I believe that partnership is what parenting is really all about.

I believe that you as a parent right now need to receive just as much as you need to give.

We need to arrive in partnership with our children.

For when you are living in the spirit of partnership, you are modeling these FIVE core practices:

1.  Giving and receiving.  It’s just as important for a child to learn to give as to receive and vice versa.
2. Gratitude for this time together.
3. Respect for each other’s unique perspective, thoughts and ideas.
4. Clear communication of each person’s feelings and needs.
5. Working together to come up with solutions.

Partnership isn’t perfect, just like parenting is never perfect.

Yet, partnership allows the space for you AND your child to thrive.

Approaching parenting as a partnership has allowed me to breathe.  It’s allowed my child to do for himself and contribute to our family.  Allowing him the space within our relationship to have the answers sometimes.   Allowing myself to give him my pause and take a breath before reacting when I’m feeling angry or upset.  Allowing both of us to feel, to mess up, to explore, to be right, to be wrong, to not have all of the answers, to discover and ….

To return to who we truly are and what we’re truly capable of.

Ready to Rock and Roll with Me?

Someone who knows me well told me recently that I can get inspiration from anywhere. It’s so true. I’m one of those people who’d be happy looking at a tree in the forest all day. This morning, my latest inspiration came from a small rock in my shoe.

Yes, one small rock.

I tried so hard to ignore this one small rock because I desperately wanted to continue my morning exercise.

Finally , I leaned down to take it out of my shoe and that was when it hit me. This realization.

Actually, the realization came in two parts.

The first part went something like this:

A child’s feelings can be something like that small rock in my shoe. It’s there, it’s solid, it’s real and yet, I’m wanting it to go away at first without actually paying much attention to it. Why won’t it just leave so I can continue on my walk?

Think you’re getting the picture here. Sometimes, our children’s feelings are just like this rock. The feelings that your child has are very real, very ‘solid’ from your child’s perspective. From your perspective as the parent, your child’s big feelings that have him/her crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, slamming doors are all things that you may just want to ‘go away’ so you can get on with whatever it is that you’re doing. To move through life ‘as planned.’

Yet, it’s these big emotional moments that really wake us up to having the deepest connection with our children. When you can focus your undivided attention on holding the space for your child to move through a big feeling, then something miraculous happens. You get a quality of connection with your child that enriches everything that you’re doing from that point forward.

When you pay attention to your child’s feelings and needs, you are taking that rock out of your shoe.

Now, for the second part of my realization that really rocked me to my core.
I realized in that small moment of feeling pestered by this small rock in my shoe just how significant things that are really not that significant can seem at times. Your world really revolves around your perspective.

For a moment, my perspective was altered (pain, instead of a pleasurable morning walk) and I drew my attention away from my larger intention of why I was even on that walk in the first place! (to reflect on some areas in our new Parent Coach Training program….my favorite thing being to walk and brainstorm.)

It was then that I realized just how quickly and significantly a perspective can shift.
And, isn’t it the same in our parenting?

You may be feeling calm and satisfied during your day and then your child does one thing that really sets you off and there shifts your whole perspective.

So, how do you retain your perspective while allowing for you and your child to go through the veritable plethora of emotions you may find yourselves experiencing daily?

In order to answer this, I need to take you to my son’s preschool and something that touched me deeply last week while I spent some time there.

We were all gathered around in a reading circle after nap time ( I was visiting) and the new teacher was trying to read a book to all of the kids, ages 3-5. Many of the kids began fidgeting and needed to move their bodies, given that they had just been sleeping for a while. As I watched my son and his friends fidget, play, laugh and intermittently wrestle each other, I was amazed at the new teacher’s response.

She calmly connected with each one of them and had these very fun, engaging conversations about what they were doing. What amazed me was her demeanor. The fact that nobody was really listening to the book and wanted to do something else wasn’t bugging her at all. She used the moment to really connect with all of them. I felt as if there was something magical taking place in those moments.

Later that afternoon at the school holiday party, I talked with the new teacher and acknowledged her for how great she was at connecting with the children. She just smiled and knowingly said, ‘Yes, I’ve been used to working with special needs kids before I came here. If one of those kids could just sit up while you were reading, it was a huge accomplishment. It just shifted my perspective to what’s really important.’

‘Wow’, was all I thought.

It was one of those moments that stopped time for me and I realized that this has got to be one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves as parents:

‘What is really important here?’

You can anchor yourself in your intention for yourself and your child.

You can anchor yourself in the quality of connection that you’d like for you and your child to have.

You can anchor yourself in the knowingness that all is ok.

You can anchor yourself in a greater perspective that answers that question for you of what’s really important.

And when you can find your anchor within your greater perspective, then the rocks seem to dissipate and life truly seems to roll.

Can You Really Fumble Towards Ecstasy?

I didn’t really know what to expect. Sure, I had danced before. I had been dancing ever since I can remember. I had even sold everything when I graduated college to go dance and drum in the villages in West Africa. ( as little-known fact about me J )
Dancing has been my one of my greatest stress-relieving and happiness-inducing practices throughout my life and you’ll often find me and my son turning up the tunes and dancing around our living room. But, today was different. Today, I had been invited to dance around a big dance studio with many other adults in a sort of free-form way. The event was called, ‘Fumbling Towards Ecstasy’ and I really didn’t know what to expect.

The room was huge and completely filled with bodies already in motion. Moving all sorts of ways. There wasn’t a teacher. Just this beautiful, rhythmic music that filled the air, candles glowing on an altar, and bodies twisting and contorting around in that big, vast space.

We were told to breathe and ‘focus on the inner realm of your body while you are here’, ‘be curious about how movement arises’, and to ‘treat yourself and everyone around you with respect and tenderness.’

Hmmm, I was very curious at this point.

As I entered the room, I felt intimated.

What shall I do first? Where do I start? Can I really go anywhere I want in this room?

What about the others? Are we all dancing together? How do you do this thing?

A rush of questions flooded my mind and I flashed on how a child must feel with every new experience that they enter. Their curiousity and wonder. Or maybe fear or intimidation.

So, I decided to let all of my questions go for the moment and with the mind of a child, I took the plunge.

I became acutely aware of my breath and what was happening inside of my body and I decided that I would just move from there.

It was strange at first. I felt like people were watching me and that I had to move a certain way. Then, I slowly realized that nobody was watching (they were all focused on their own inner worlds and movement), and I could really just feel my breath freely and move from there.

And, guess what?

It worked.

My feelings of intimidation soon dissipated as I realized that ‘all was ok!’ I could move about however I liked. However my body dictated me to move. All felt safe. If I felt like resting, I would rest on the floor and breathe. Then stretch out like a cat or stand up and flow my arms like a waterfall. Spin my head or keep it steady, kick my legs, tiptoe, or leap across the room. All was ok.

Huge sigh of relief.

This all felt so different.

The experience fascinated me as I continued to move in this space that was so incredibly different than my perception of the ‘outside world’.

We live with so many rules and regulations. Our lives often become about routine and schedule as parents that there is little time to just explore this miracle that we call life. Little time to explore our breath and how funny and unique we all are. How we can move differently through this world. And just how many variations of movement there actually are.

Then somewhere in those short moments, amongst all of these other wonderful people exploring what their bodies were dancing, a song came on called ‘It’s OK’ and it touched me so deeply.

Here it is, the song by David Bailey with photographs by Amy Doerring:

(when I found this version on Youtube, it brought tears to my eyes and I reached out to Amy, who is an incredible photographer in Iowa and was a dear friend of David Bailey’s. As a sidenote, Amy so openly shared her stories about David and how his life, friendship and struggle with cancer touched her life and work….’It’s OK’ and other songs of David’s live on!)

So, here we are dancing to ‘It’s OK’ and I’m feeling complete and utter permission to have whatever experience is happening in the moment.

And I finally got a glimpse into the mind of a child. Brand new and on the brink of all this exploration. What it must be like to have a body for the first time and be able to move it in any direction, any way you choose. What an incredible miracle a child is stepping into– his/her own unique expression of life.

Now, how do we nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves?

I found myself exploring this question as I continued to move.

I was aware that others were moving too and as I turned within even more, I was able to free up all of those ideas about how I should be, how I should act, how I should move so that I could just BE and MOVE with the mind of a child once again.

That’s when it struck me what I was doing.

I was completely accepting myself.

Dancing, sweating, moving in that space with everyone else who was exploring their own movements, their own space in their own divine way, acceptance was present.
Acceptance is when you can give yourself permission to just BE with everything that is and everything that’s not in that moment.

So, there we all were, just like in life, all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion with a bunch of others who were all contorted and ‘imperfectly’ in motion.

Allowing myself complete permission to just be however I was being, not worrying how these movements may look to the ‘outside world.’ Maybe they look completely ridiculous and that’s ok because they are coming from a place deep within me that is genuine.

There wasn’t an answer in that moment as to how to BE.

There wasn’t any parent or teacher or culture or society telling you that you can’t do this or that. Or that you must do this or that.

There was only this safe space to express whatever your body needed to express.
There was only that genuine, authentic part of you within that longs to emerge and express itself.

It was in that moment, that divine moment that I found that we can all allow ourselves acceptance of all that which makes us unique. As parents. As people.
It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

And then, I realized in that moment, dancing sweating, moving with complete permission that this was the very heart of ACCEPTANCE.

I was finally and completely accepting myself in those moments for everything I am and everything I’m not. I was finding my own movement through the world, just like I watch my child do every single day.

And the answer to my first question flowed through my body and mind:
We can nurture our children’s unique expressions of themselves by first accepting ourselves.

Accepting yourself as a parent right now for everything that you are in this moment and everything you’re not.

With acceptance as the starting point, you can begin to allow for that unique expression of your child to emerge.

Acceptance is the doorway in.

The music grew to fill the room with these ecstatic beats. I found myself jumping, completely allowing my body to move however it needed to move in that moment.

And David Bailey’s words echoed throughout the room:

‘It’s OK to hold on, It’s OK to let go, It’s OK to admit there are some things you’ll never know.’

These flashes flooded my mind and body about how acceptance really feels. And, you know what?

It feels really delicious.

What if you could offer yourself as a parent this kind of acceptance and know that you are just finding your own way through this incredibly big, incredibly challenging, incredibly beautiful experience that we call ‘parenting.’

Holding on.

Letting go.

Playing.

Guiding.

Loving.

Being.

Accepting…

As we all stumble just a little bit closer towards ecstasy.

What’s Really Running Through Your Child’s Mind?

A few days ago, my son really, really wanted to win. We were playing a game and he had set himself up to win. Completely put all of his energy into winning. Ever feel this way? This desire to win permeated his every move. So, when it didn’t look like he was going to win after all, the feeling started to rise within him. With his face twisted and arms banging on the floor….’It’s just not fair!’ His frustration continued to rise. The seeds of disappointment taking root.

These were very big feelings in the heart of a five year old as they often emerge the same way for an adult, though we, as adults, don’t always physically show that we’re feeling something.

Yet, the most interesting thing happened during all of these big feelings. Something that opened up a window for me into my son’s world, and a window into the human experience.

Slowly, ever so slowly, my son started saying aloud, ‘I’m so stupid!’ ‘I’m so stupid!” ‘I’m so stupid!”

And I was able in that moment to peek through the window into my son’s mind and hear what he’s been telling himself. Herein lies the seed that gets planted and takes root in the mind. It’s not as important at this point to determine from whence such a thought came as it is to notice that this thought is indeed there and that it is LOOPING.

I stopped , a bit stunned by this thought that he so emphatically wanted to believe about himself. It wasn’t that it was such an unfamiliar thought because I think that a lot of us as adults, as parents, have this same thought somewhere underneath from time to time.

What struck me this particular morning were two things:

The way he was emphatically stating it over and over again. It was as if I was hearing his brain working exactly the way it probably does when he’s alone in his quiet moments.

A thought that is thought over and over again forms a pattern –a neural pathway in the brain – a roadpost for the mind to return to again and again.

I felt as if I was hearing one of his neural pathways being formed. (or maybe it was already there and he was just choosing to go down it again!)

And

We are so quick oftentimes to stick with the ‘negative’ or unsupportive ‘ thoughts like ‘I’m so stupid’, allowing them to run loops over and over in our minds. We don’t allow ourselves to ‘run away’ from these unsupportive thoughts.

And, here was the window into the human experience.

What I notice is that the mind has this tendency to stick so emphatically to an unsupportive thought and not ‘run away’ from that thought (as if it were the truth) .

Yet, the mind will easily ‘run away’ from the thoughts that have the potential to bring us to the higher road, the thoughts that are extremely loving and supportive…thoughts just seem too good to be true to be thinking over and over again!

What will it take for us to validate and embrace those supportive and nurturing thoughts within ourselves and our children?

You are loved

You are worthy.

You are safe

You are heard, no matter what you have to say or cry out.

What if these were the thought loops rolling over and over in your child’s brain every day?

I am loved

I am worthy

I am safe

I am heard, no matter what I have to say or cry out.

Would things be different?

Yesterday, I received a note from the teenage daughter of one of my dearest clients. I have been coaching her mom for about a year now and her mom naturally passes along specific peaceful parenting and life enhancement tools that I share to her teenage daughters.

Reading the note now, I felt like I had reached out across time and touched the future. I could hear my words of encouragement flowing out of this young teenage girl whom I had never met in person. I read on about how this teenage girl was facing her fears and not running away from her strongest emotions that could lead to more ‘negative’, unsupportive thoughts, like ‘I’m stupid.’ Instead, she was choosing to accept herself and embrace more nurturing and loving thoughts as a teenager. She was choosing to accept herself even though high school seemed really hard for her.

And so, her mind followed in that positive, uplifting stream of thought.

So, my question to you is:

What kind of thought loops do we REALLY want to pass along to our children right now?

How are our children receiving the deeper messages about themselves that we’re sending as parents through our actions?

Connection is a choice that will send the mind thinking positive, loving thoughts. Sometimes, connection doesn’t come about so easily. Actually, the deepest connection often happens in the moments that are the most challenging.

Yet, this is where trust and safety are formed. This is where kids get to feel safe to even embrace a new thought loop. This is where we can allow our kids to ‘run away’ from the more unsupportive thoughts that may be looping through their minds and run TOWARDS the more supportive, loving and nurturing thoughts.

So, let’s do something radical.

Let’s teach our kids to run towards the positive, nurturing thoughts.

Let’s build a garden of peace one mind at a time.

Something that stretches out and touches the future.

How will peace happen? With you.

Because your time is now.

And somewhere, out on the edge of time, your child’s garden is waiting.

Are You In Your Play Zone?

It was getting late on a Friday night, Veteran’s Day and we had just gotten back from a wonderful day with friends at their beach house. My five year old son had fallen asleep in the car on the ride home and now it was just past dinner time. I knew that I had to wake him up for dinner, yet it almost seemed in that quiet still moment, huddled up on the couch, that he would sleep through the night.

Nonetheless, I woke him up….

He stumbled to the dinner table and for whatever reason, there was this lightness in the air. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it yet, I watched it play out at the dinner table.

As we ate dinner, we were laughing about silly things and talking about the day. This lightness, this new energy, this feeling of friendship and cooperation and not taking things too seriously anymore…..ahhh, that was it!

We were in the play zone!

You may have recognized a similar zone with your child or partner.

Here’s what I’ve come to define the play zone as:

The Play Zone – A place where anything is possible. Life becomes light. You experience your true nature. A place to forget your mind, laugh and be silly. A deep place of connection.

So, yes, it was confirmed throughout bath time that we were definitely in the play zone as my five year-old boy wonder spit water in my face and I, quite out of character, threw a towel over his head and spit back at him, laughing together.

This may all seem familiar to you yet here are two distinguishing factors that I noticed that night:

Life really flows in the Play Zone and opens up deeper, often surprising, connections.

We are not in the Play Zone as individuals or as a culture NEARLY enough.

Sometimes, we, as adults, can only allow ourselves to have a certain amount of fun….and then there is something within us that says ‘stop’.

Children are begging that play zone out of us simply in their BEING-NESS. If you listen deeply to your child’s sense of play, you will hear a voice beckoning you to expand and become light and let go and release and …..PLAY!

It’s obvious that your child wants you to play because it’s fun yet, your child truly is also becoming your greatest teacher in that moment.

I know….a fact that is often quite humbling and one that we don’t so readily admit as parents that really, it’s our children who are the ones who are teaching us.

Joining with your child in the play zone is an essential step towards understanding where your true nature lies.

Yet, I know for many of us parents, this play zone may feel intimidating, uncomfortable or unknown. We may play for a little bit then it’s ‘back to being parents.’

Funny because I’ve noticed this ‘stopping point’ to play in other areas of my life and other people’s lives as well. When you do get yourself into the play zone, you too may notice that you have some sort of a stopping point there… something that says to you, ‘Now, that’s enough.’

Why did I write that this is ‘funny’?

I’m just finding it very funny in this moment because I believe that we are meant to line up with our true natures to have all the happiness, joy, and abundance flowing to us at all times. The greatest irony, the ‘funny’ part, is that we stop ourselves from truly letting all of our good in.

And then we hear some elder’s voice reverberating in our heads through the generations, ‘Now, that’s enough’.

We don’t find our stopping points in the play zone. Our stopping points find us. They are often an amalgamation of unconscious blocks playing out from our pasts.

Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, who are among the world’s foremost experts on relationship dynamics, so eloquently write and speak about this phenomenon as being an ‘upper limits problem (ULP).’

‘The ULP is the human tendency to put the brakes on our positive energy when we’ve exceeded our unconscious thermostat setting for how good we can feel, how successful we can be, and how much love we can feel,’ Gay explains in a recent Huffington Post article.

And it’s no different for parents.

We are putting the brakes on fun because honestly, we don’t know what else to do. Many of us were never modeled a real live ‘play zone’ as a child and so, it simply does not exist yet in our unconscious minds. We didn’t get the pleasure of experiencing our own parents embracing that joyful place of allowing joy in without limits.

Yet, just because we were never modeled this limitless play zone as children doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

All you need to do is catch a glimpse of the eternal joy in a child’s eye and you’ll know quite clearly that infinite joy is absolutely your birthright.

So, my question to you is: What would it really be like if you would allow unending joy into your life right now?

How would you feel if you could truly let loose and play without end?
The world is waiting for your joy….for your play.

Instead of constantly asking ‘what’s wrong?’ with our children and ourselves, today I’m inviting you as a conscious parent (a conscious person) to consider for once a new question….

(take a deep breathe, settle in and consider): ‘How good can this life really get?’

And just when you think you have the answer, ask yourself again.

And again.

And again.

Until you find your very own play zone, your world without end.

What Happens When You Don’t Get What You Want?

You’ve set your intention. Written down your goals after New Year’s Eve: More love. More money. Better health. You’ve told your best friend what you’d really like to have this year. Lit candles. Prayed some. Made a pact with the divine.

Redefined your goals. Dreamed bigger. Cracked open a self-help book. Written in your journal. Spun around three times….

By the light of the moon.

And still nothing. Your goals are just not happening. These things that you really really want don’t seem to be coming true.

And to top it all off, more of the same keeps showing up and your life doesn’t seem to be changing at all.

Not one little bit.

So, off you go on the road to doubt.

Worry seeps in there.

And, just for fun, confusion decides to do a little dance between your ears.
All spun around, you begin to forget what your original goals and dreams really were….believing that they’re not really all that attainable anyway.

Whoa!

Let’s hit pause right there and revisit what just happened because, guess what?
It’s happening every single moment of every single day in the minds of every single person.

It’s an international epidemic. It’s cross-cultural. And it happens in the fraction of a second.

In the bleep of a heartbeat, a dream is lost. A cherished goal forgotten.

Why?

Because in all of your planning and plotting and dreaming bigger and reaching for the stars, you forgot one of the most important details that will actually get you to have all that it is you really really want.

The detail?

You’ll need, first and foremost, to master your mind.
If you want to achieve anything in life, this is the first step and yet, it’s so often overlooked. (I’m only writing about this because I was so gently reminded of this first step last week when I fell off the wagon.)

Mastering your mind.

‘To think health when surrounded by the appearances of disease or to think riches when in the midst of the appearances of poverty requires power, but whoever acquires this power becomes a master mind. That person can conquer fate and can have what he wants.’ ~ Wallace Wattles, ‘The Science of Getting Rich’

Wallace Wattles wrote this in 1910. Now, over a century later, we are face to face with this inextricable truth.

Whatever you want is within your grasp as long as you ‘become a master mind.’Yet, don’t be fooled.

Mastering your mind is no easy task.

Here are three steps that I’ve found quite useful.

Step #1: Visualize what you want, your dream, and be thankful that it’s already happened.

I know it may sound crazy but your mind doesn’t know the difference between something that’s happened and something that hasn’t happened yet.

Step #2: Recognize that you may be having a thought in this moment that does not support your vision of what you want. This thought or group of thoughts often revolves around some fear, doubt, or worry that your vision is unattainable. Listen for this thought now. Write it down. It’s not real. It’s your ‘monkey mind.’

Step #3: Surround yourself with people who believe in you and tell you just how real and attainable your dreams really are.

I had been practicing steps one and two pretty diligently when, last week, I realized the importance of step #3.

I had been visualizing what I really, really wanted, done meditations on it and thought that I had successfully heard any unsupportive thoughts of my ‘monkey mind’.

Yet, my monkey mind had taken over without me really noticing it. The shift was very subtle and from the outside, almost went unnoticeable.

It seemed like I was moving forward, getting closer to my dreams. Yet, there was this energy of disbelief, of confusion, lurking in the background.

And, one thing I’ve learned is that the Universe (or the powers that be), don’t really work well on delivering your dream to you when disbelief or confusion are present.
All of this would have gone unnoticed if it wasn’t for a conversation with my dear friend and colleague, Kristin Plaininz.

Kristin heard in my voice that something was up. When I shared my dream, my vision, with her, she could here hints of my disbelief and confusion in my voice.

And she called me on them right there on the spot.

You want people in your life who believe in you and your dreams so much that whenever they hear about something that’s not in alignment with your dreams or visions for yourself, they have the ability and the courage to call those inconsistencies out.

And Kristin did. She pointed out my hints of disbelief and confusion right away.
I couldn’t believe it. My whole world shifted the instant that Kristin pointed out my disbelief and I suddenly felt giddy, like a child playing on a playground. Everything felt light and possible once again.

You can return in an instant to the state of a child’s mind where everything is possible.
As you’re mastering your mind, you’re in the process of sensitizing and aligning yourself with your dreams, your highest goals for yourself. This is a very sensitive time. And your ‘monkey mind’ will definitely want to play with you here.
If you’re alone, then it’s easier to give into your monkey mind.

Now’s the time to reach out. Find the people who believe in you and your dreams even more than you do.

Maybe it’s a good friend, a coach, a mentor…a family member.

Go and be with these people. Share your dreams. Talk with them often on the phone.
Get in community with like-minded people.

For, it’s within the group mind of your community who believes in you that we can return thankfully to the mind, the pure mind of a child, who believes and lives in the realm where anything is possible.

Do You Have The Mind of A Child?

Picture this:

Your daughter’s back is turned.

Your son’s arms are crossed, refusing to do what you’ve just asked of him.

You can feel your blood pressure rising. Face getting flushed. Hands beginning to take their shape in the form of fists.

As this question, this one burning , rises and races wildly through your mind.

One question.

‘Why won’t my child just listen to me?!

Followed by the next question….

‘What’s wrong with him?!’

He’s now playing with some toy, back fully turned away from you.

She’s now crying and starting to kick her legs on the ground.

You find your mind continuing to race, trying to make sense out of this whole scene.
After all, you’re the PARENT. They’ve got to listen to YOU.

The next question emerges and makes itself fully known in the space between your ears.

‘My child needs to show me some RESPECT…..my child needs to LISTEN!’

Time for action.

Your thought leads you into some situation with your child where you are just trying to get him/her to LISTEN to you. Life suddenly turns into a struggle and you’re just trying to regain some sense of control, of order.

So, what’s really going on here?

Why won’t your child just listen to you?

In order to answer this, we must travel into the mind of a child.

And I don’t mean, ‘travel into your child’s mind.’ I’m not only talking about empathy here. (one of my fav topics for those of you who know me)

I mean that we need to understand what it’s like to approach life with the mind of a child.

Listening to life with the mind of a child.

Beyond just ‘getting into your child’s world,’ I’m inviting you to embrace the mind of a child for a moment. This is the place inside of you that is distinctly alive and vibrant, the place inside of you that intuitively knows, that intuitively feels and expresses all the time.

Approaching life with the mind of a child means that you are in the moment without any preconceived notions or expectations, releasing all forms of judgment.
It means that you are freely expressing a feeling that you’re having. It means that you’re open and curious. It means that you are listening within first to your own feelings and needs. It’s a place of honesty. Of authenticity. Of trust. Trusting yourself enough to feel.

It’s a place of exploration and discovery. A place where anything is possible. And, it’s often a place where time stops (at least, the clicking-kind of clock time as we know it) and you’re completely wrapped up in the moment. It’s a place of wonder and surprise, not having a distinct plan but open to every new discovery, every new sensation. When you enter into the mind of a child, you become an explorer, you are in direct relationship with every moment as being a completely unique experience….a distant land that you have never before visited.

Now, back to your child.

Every feeling, every cry, every moment when your child is apparently ‘not listening’ to you, your child is living with the mind of a child. He’s wrapped up in a moment, trying to fulfill whatever need he’s experiencing in that moment. Maybe it’s a need to play. Maybe it’s a need for freedom. Maybe it’s a need for space.

Now, imagine how you feel when you have a need like that. What’s that like for you?
Imagine for a moment just stopping in those ‘why won’t he just LISTEN to me’ moments with your child and entering into a place where you’re open and curious about what’s happening for your child.

Imagine approaching with the mind of a child.

Connection isn’t some magical thing that just falls out of the sky. True connection is developed over time. True connection is gift that comes through deep listening and compassion.

When you can release any expectation of how you’re supposed to act to just BE with what is, then the moment of connection is born…
And will live on through the mind of a child.

What Do You and Brad Pitt Have in Common?

Curious, aren’t you?

The power of your instincts, as Brad Pitt shared this past week, can play a big part in your parenting.

I know in my heart of hearts that we have the ability to affect a huge amount of growth and understanding in our children.  And a lot of that growth and understanding may be the product of your parental instincts at work yet, some of it may not.

So, here’s my hot question of the week :

How are your thoughts affecting your parenting?  Are you aware that this is even happening?

For most of us, parenting happens extremely quickly and is somewhat instinctual.  You may find yourself working everything out ‘in the moment’ or as Brad Pitt so eloquently put it this week in his latest interview in Parade magazine about parenting six children with Angelina, ‘”I was surprised at how automatic it is, how much of it is instinctual. And now I have a great confidence and trust in those instincts.”

Yet, what happens when your instincts aren’t kicking in?  Or you’re tired?  Or you’re not getting the results with your kids that you’ve been expecting?  What then?

Yet, to follow the trail of your instincts, I believe we must begin with some yummy neuroscience.

(I have to admit that I’m a bit of a neuroscience and quantum physics geek.   I’m just fascinated with the way the mind-body works and what makes us tick…especially when we’re parenting.)

As powerful as our instincts are, our thoughts may just be THAT much stronger when it comes to stressful moments.

We talk a lot in our classes about dealing with the stressful emotions that arise during parenting, yet what about the thoughts that you’re thinking that may be bringing about some of those stressful moments?

Thoughts like, ‘My kid will never go to sleep now,’ or ‘he’ll never finish his dinner….he hasn’t before, so why now?’ or ‘I’ll never get these kids to stop fighting,’ or maybe just….’I can’t do this!’

The pervasiveness of thoughts during a stressful emotional moment can be very telling about what’s actually going on in your mind.  And, what’s going on in your mind could actually be left over from the past or, more importantly, be producing a certain emotional response in your body that is sending out certain chemicals throughout your brain and body that are actually causing more stress.  The stress cycle has begun.

So, how can we break the cycles?

The answer:  Become aware of your thoughts.

The super-duper answer:  Become aware of any thoughts that are not truly supportive of you or your child.  (or anyone else with whom you’re interacting)

Sounds simple but it takes some practice to be able to stop in the moment when things become emotionally charged for you or your child and recognize what your thoughts actually are.

Yet, it’s in this moment, this precious moment, where new brain patterns can be formed and here’s where it all gets very fascinating.

Watch out…my neuroscience geekiness is about to kick in!

In a recent interview from the movie, ‘What The Bleep Do We Know’, Dr. Joe Dispenza describes what happens in our brains when we think a different thought….when we choose to think a new thought:

‘We also know that nerve cells that don’t fire together no longer wire together.  They lose their long-term relationship.  Because every time we interrupt a thought process that produces a chemical response in the body…every time we interrupt it, those nerve cells that are connected to each other start breaking a long-term relationship.  When we start interrupting and observing , not by stimulus & response and that automatic reaction, but by observing the effects it takes, then we are NO LONGER the body-mind-conscious-emotional person that’s responding to it’s environment as if it’s automatic.’

I was jumping out of my seat when I heard this because this is exactly what we’ve been teaching in our classes!  To be able to stop yourself in that precious moment when it all feels like it’s falling apart.  When you’re about to explode.  When your child is really pushing your buttons.  When you’re about to lose your cool.

What if you were to just stop in that moment?

What if you would just stop, ‘interrupt and observe’ your thought(s)?

By becoming the observer, you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts.  And when you remove yourself from being at the cause of your thoughts, then you can now experience having choice.  The freedom to choose which thoughts you really want to be thinking here.  If we can stop or ‘interrupt’ these cycles of automatic responses or thoughts that are no longer supportive of yourself or your relationships (or your parenting for that matter), then you can now choose which thoughts would truly serve each situation.

It’s a mastery… a mastery of the mind.

And when you can master your mind, you may just find that you don’t need to respond to ‘your environment as if it’s automatic.’

In short, you may just be re-wiring your brain towards love and support.

So, Brad Pitt, there’s nothing wrong with intuition as we parent.  I believe we need to look a bit deeper here though at whether or not that intuition is truly serving ourselves and our children.

For locked deep within some of your intuitive impulses may lie the source of disconnection, disharmony or separation.

Unlock the door to your thoughts and you have now opened up your mind to what’s truly possible.

Next week:  The Power of Your Child’s Thoughts

Have You Been Buzzing Like This Lately?

She started off by telling me everything wrong with her child, as so many of us do.

Everything that her child wasn’t.  Everything that her child wasn’t doing right.  Everything that she secretly wished were different.  We talked on and on.   Her voice on the other end of the phone,  growing quieter, as if she was suddenly whispering some ancient mysterious puzzle that I would all of a sudden be able to solve.

Then, finally, she stopped.

And all I could hear was this buzzing in the air.  This distinct buzzing of messages passed down.  Do this.  Be this.  Don’t do that. How could you do that?  All of the messages that she must have received as a child buzzed around in the whisper of her deepest, darkest secrets that she was now holding about her child.

I suddenly became acutely aware of the power of all that buzz.  All of those messages buzzing around, re-circulating themselves, becoming alive once again,  pushing her child further and further away from her.

Sure, we all want our children to be kind, well-behaved, smart, affectionate, gentle, loving and…..(……)   Yet, what happens when they’re not?  What happens when your child doesn’t show up the way you’d like him/her to?   What kind of thoughts race through your head?

You may be thinking, ‘He’s rude,’ ‘he’s obnoxious,’ ‘he’s awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’ ’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.

You are beginning the buzz or maybe you’re continuing the buzz from an earlier generational buzz that was created for you as a child.

‘You’re rude.’  ‘You’re inconsiderate.’  ‘You’re disorganized.’ ‘You’re not a good listener.’  ‘You’re selfish.’  ‘You’re rude,’ ‘obnoxious,’ ‘awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.’

The buzz that we hear about ourselves is often the buzz that we begin to hear about our children.

So, what IS all of this buzz anyway?

It’s the buzz of judgment.   Places where you may have felt judged as a child.  Places where you may have felt misunderstood.  Places where you felt like you were being placed within a box and labeled, maybe without you even knowing it.

So, now, we are continuing the buzz with our own children.
We relegate our minds, thought by thought, into a place of judgment because we’ve felt judged in some way in the past.
Yet, the buzz doesn’t end there.

We enter into collective agreements based on judgment.

We share the buzz with others.  We worry about the buzz.  We obsess about the imagined implications that this kind of buzz holds.

If my child is rude, for example, then that means that he will be (fill in the blank.)

Secrets begin to buzz.  Opinions are formed.  You invite others to buy into the buzz.

You essentially set your mind on a very fixed place with all of this buzz…a place that creates the walls around where your child will now live.

For with every recurring ‘buzzing’ thought that you may hold, you are creating a very distinct listening of your child and you are inviting your child to show up the exact way that you’re thinking about them.

Your child will actually become the buzz, right before your very eyes.

So, you’re child throws something in your face or screams at you or runs out of the house without his clothes on (if you’re in the mighty toddler years).

Now, you may be thinking, ‘He’s rude,’ ‘obnoxious,’ ‘awful,’ ‘obsessive,’ ‘withdrawn,’’inappropriate’….some kind of a nuisance.

And, guess what?  He is and will continue to be.

As long as you’re holding and continue to hold this thought about him.  As long as you continue to buzz.

Crazy as it may sound but the way that another person shows up in your world, including your child,  depends largely upon the listening that you have of that person.

All of our thoughts create this intricate web of listening for another and the other can only live within the listening that you have created.

Your child lives within the listening that you have of her.

Suddenly, she was quiet again on the other end of the phone.

Yet, this time she wasn’t whispering any more buzz about her child for we had named the buzz.  We had called it out into the open.

She suddenly realized that all of this buzz had continued to propagate all of these unsupportive feelings and thoughts about her child.

This time she realized that the love that she had for her daughter well surpassed the power of all that buzz.

So, in a moment, one beautiful moment, she dropped all that buzz and was left with one remaining thought.
The thought?

‘There’s my lovely daughter.’

And suddenly, her daughter in that very moment, became lovely.

(Epilogue:  Over the next week, her bond deepened with her daughter as she found herself having new thoughts about her daughter no matter what her daughter did.  She began to accept all of her daughter as lovely. )

What Happened When I Busted Through

I’ve been talking for a while about limiting belief patterns.  I coach about it.  I teach classes about it.  I meditate on it.  I am constantly coming up with new ways to bust through limiting beliefs  for my clients and students.

Key words there:  For my clients and students.

Sure, I know that I have my own limiting beliefs however, my schedule had become so packed with new clients and our classes that my own meditation time had been slowly diminishing over the past few weeks.  Life had just gotten very full!

So, on Monday, I was especially delighted when, out of the blue, a young woman had seen my work offered me a two-hour ‘Intuitive Heart Healing’ Session in exchange for a testimonial.   A-ha! I thought.  Here’s my ‘meditation’ time!   I had no idea what to expect but it just sounded so cool.  Intuitive heart healing….who could pass that one up?

I entered into our session with a completely open mind and felt so surprised at what emerged.

As we talked and she guided me through her process, I could feel something very significant was happening.  We talked about my past, my marriage, my son, and then, the conversation opened up to my ‘ancestral lines’.

Why?

Because our limiting belief patterns are sometimes passed down to us throughout generations. So, we need to talk generationally.

What beliefs have been passed down through your family ?  Not good or bad….just beliefs.

I’ve found that parenting styles are passed down through the generations as well.

What parenting style do you believe has been passed down to you?  Are you aware of this?

When you are attempting to make a shift in your parenting style (usually from a more dominant ‘control over’ approach to a more peaceful ‘relationship with’ approach), then you are really breaking cycles of parenting behavior that may have been in place over generations.

Same with limiting belief patterns.   And most of the time, you may not know what limiting beliefs lurk beneath the surface.  If you’re sensing that something is guiding most of your behavior, then it may just be a limiting belief.

Here are FOUR CLUES to help you identify your own limiting belief:

1. This is often your first thought in your greatest moment of stress.  Ex: As a parent, a  common limiting belief is, ‘I’m not doing this right.’
2. A limiting belief will produce an emotion that doesn’t feel pleasurable to your body.
3. Once you break through a limiting belief, you are open to adopt a NEW supportive belief.
4. Once you break through a limiting belief, your whole life shifts.

We continued to move through her ‘Intuitive Heart Healing’ process on Monday when after about an hour, through unpeeling many layers of beliefs and a bunch of tears, we stumbled upon one of my GREATEST LIMITING BELIEFS EVER!

‘I should be married.’

THAT was my limiting belief…..I really didn’t expect this one!!

Sounds quite simple, huh?   The facts are that I was married about 3 years ago.  Then, I got divorced and now, my son’s dad and I co-parent our son together.  Yet, something profound had been lingering in my unconscious mind.  This thought…..this belief that ‘I should be married.’

When we came upon this limiting belief, I was able to trace it all the way back to my childhood and what was modeled for me throughout my whole family.  I come from a large extended family where I noticed as a child that all of the women got married and stayed married.  Here’s where my belief began to take shape.

Here’s where most of our limiting beliefs begin to take shape.  In our childhoods.

It has absolutely nothing with how your family was or how they treated you.  Your limiting beliefs originate either as passed-down beliefs (ex:  All women should be married!) or they begin when you attribute meaning to a situation.   Whatever you make something mean, then it becomes so for you.

For example, when I saw all of the women in my extended family were married by a certain age, I quickly created the belief, ‘I should be married…too.’

As this belief was unearthed in a very profound, emotional way through my session on Monday, I could see just how this belief had been causing me tons of unnecessary stress and confusion.

Why the stress and confusion?

I love my life now and I truly love being able to share the work that I’m so passionate about.  Yet, when I would think about a new partner in my life, I would immediately begin to feel stress and confusion.  And, I could never understand why.

I wouldn’t allow new potential partners to get too close.  Now, I understand just how my brain had been grappling with this old belief of ‘I should be married,’ and this belief had come between me and my new potential partner.

Once you uncover a limiting belief pattern, then you are truly free to create anything you’d like to create.  That’s really how it works.   And, you also start to notice people reacting to you differently.

‘When you shift, then everyone in your world shifts too.’

Finally, after years of holding this limiting belief pattern, I busted through what feels like generations of a commonly-held belief.

On Monday, I finally understood what so many of you as our students and clients had been experiencing as we bust through YOUR limiting belief patterns.

Freedom is suddenly possible.

The unknown is suddenly possible.

Loving the moment is suddenly possible.

And, you open to a whole new you.

Welcome…….

You’ve now Re-Parented yourself.